Hollingsworth: You are the man and your roommate stories make me want to buy (even more of) your work for some reason.
No, just broke his back. It was only the third floor.Originally Posted by Cashed_Rockwell
EDIT: Also, the police were trying to convince me that I dared him to do it.
I had a hot girl roommate in college. She was cool. She did fuck up our microwave when she was trying to get her underwear dry in a hurry (because she needed black underwear for a sex show she was in), and it melted.Originally Posted by Ryudo
Temptation was at a minimum though because I had a girl already and we were more buddy-buddy than anything else.
Plus, she was the most slovenly roommate I ever had. It was fine when we were both living there and I could keep on her ass about cleaning up, but when I left for the summer it all went to hell. She apparently never took out the trash the entire three months I was gone. At some point, she converted a laundry hamper into a trash can. But she didn't line it or anything. Just started throwing trash in it, which kind of oozed out the decorative vents that the hamper had. By the time I got back the whole place smelled like fetid garbage and flies were breeding everywhere. It took a good two days to throw everything out and scrub everything down.
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That kinda stuff makes you go, didn't this person learn ANYTHING from their mother? lol.
Last edited by Ryudo; 09-25-2012 at 02:08 PM.
I've never lived with someone other than my family more than a week (unless on school trips) and that went well.
I don't want roomies now though, college and uni will suck
Oh yeah; more:
During the summer when I was at the Kubert School one year, I went and lived with my girlfriend's Mom back home in Ojai.
Oh god, no.
When we arrived, they had had the power out for a few weeks because they had not paid their bill. That should have been our first clue that we were doomed.
When they had the power out, the Mom had not bothered to clean out the fridge. So, we did it. When we opened it, the entire inside of the fridge was lined with that mold that looks like fur, so it looked like hair covering everything. We were gagging nonstop while cleaning that up. Fucking awful.
The Mom was just not good at taking care of herself, others or animals or anything. She had rabbits and you're supposed to clip their teeth. She didn't and at least one of them died because of this.
We once discovered that her dog had found the cat's litter box. Anybody that's seen this happen knows what goes down; the dog ate the entire contents of the littler box. Little crunchy breaded donuts for the dog. Then he puked it up. So, dog puke, cat shit and litter all in one. Very nice.
She also had rats, naturally. Not pets, an infestation. I had one cornered at one point. I could hear the little motherfucker in this kitchen drawer. I had some kind of weapon to kill it, though don't recall what. Quickly opened that drawer and the rat jumped out onto my arm, ran up it a bit then leaped off and ran away. Freaked me out.
This woman would leave the Christian TV channel on in her house all the time to get good energy in the house. We came home once and the TV was on, so we shut it off. She returned home and asked us to not turn the TV off because it gets God's energy into the house. Er, okay. So, naturally, when I was alone at home one night on acid, I watched Hellraiser to counter the Lord's energy a bit.
She was also incredibly stupid. I had a friend who worked at Dominos, and they have those phones where you can call two different numbers and link them together. So, we called the Mom at her job and called her home number. She picked up the phone and heard the phone ringing. Then she heard her answering machine at her house with her voice on it pick up. Her own answering machine recorded her as she freaked out wondering what was going on. I loved that one!
Once, we were outside when it was dark out doing something in the yard and looked into the house. We saw her sitting there at a table, really feasting on her snot. Pick and eat, pick and eat. Oh lord.
I had a roommate freshman year, who was having sex with 5 different girls at the same time. A fat girl that would buy him new shoes and rims for his car ; 2 girls on campus that would either do his homework or just be seen with him whenever he went outside of sleeping with him and two girls that he sort of took seriously but one more than the other.
He got caught up and one girl wanted to see him while he was with his main girl. He told me to answer the phone while he was out in case a girl he had on the side was calling as she was going to come over to visit and was 2 hours away. He and his main girl went out and he was going to drop her off in time for the next girl to come see him. Time passes and he calls and i tell him no one called, as soon as i hang up with him the girl calls and tells him there has been a changed of plans and that she will show up 30 mins sooner and she needs him to pick her up. I call him back and tell him.
He heads back with his main girl and they arrive to pick up somethings she left in the room. As he is about drop off the girl he was hanging out with he tells me "thanks, good looking out" and thats when the phone rings.I answer and he kinda hint that its the other girl calling so he tries to leave the room and tells me to just tell whoever it is to call him back so he can cover his ass.He leaves to drop off his girl and the other girls tells me she has a ride and is on her way to campus. I call him back and let him know she is on her way over so he hurries back to get situated. He gets back, and he and the new girl meet up exactly on time.
After a brief introduction things get awry as i leave to the library to let him do whatever with the new girl thats over. I spend about an hour in the library and realize i had left a book in my room that i had checked out about 2 months ago. So i walk back to get the book and figured id knock on the door and just ask for one of them to hand me the book so i dont have to come in. As im walking back i see the old girl on campus and she is asking me if ive seen my roommate. I try to cover for him and tell her no, but she says hes not answering his phone and starts following me to my room. I tell her im not staying and that im only going to get a book and she still insists on going just to check and see if he is there. I make an excuse once we are at the door to use the restroom and ask someone if i can use their phone to call him. He doesnt answer so i walk towards the room to see if i even hear anything. I hear no noises and i knock on the door.
I try to open the door and its unlocked. I see this chick spread out on the bed with him looking up at me screaming NO NO NO NO, close the dooooooor!!! i am in shock still and cant believe what im seeing, as i turn around to close the door, 3 of my friends and the girl he was with previously are all standing behind me while my roommate is stark naked along with the girl he is eating out. 3 of my friends are obnoxiously yelling "me next, me next!!" It was funny for about 5 seconds and i wasnt gonna stay around for the hurricane, needless to say i couldnt even concentrate on anything else after what i just saw, what i could guess would be happening while i was gone and how bad id get bitched at when i returned. He ended up getting kicked out this semester for bad grades.
Okay my roommate story. I graduated college but I'm out of work. There is a rent increase coming and I can't afford it. A life long friend who lives just down the block is having problems with his girlfriend. She's still in highschool, but living with him and is getting welfare - as long as she attends school. She decides once she's out of her mommy's house, she doesn't have to attend school anymore and my friend is afraid her welfare cheque is going to dry up as a result. He tells me he's going to ditch her anyway and asks me to move in, it's a decent two bedroom apartment. So I do.
My friend ditches her then makes up with her again. Girlfriend is young and immature. She learns which buttons to push on my friend to get him really angry and typically once a week does this for her own amusement. She told me this outright at one point, I mention it to my friend and he just ignores it. Meanwhile I've got to put up with screaming matches with heavy drama on a regular basis.
She is still getting welfare, despite not being at school and hasn't moved out of our place. She also doesn't chip in for rent. In fact, whenever my roommate gets tired of her button pushing he chucks her out, tells her to go back to her mothers place. She's not paying rent, so therefor she doesn't have any right to be there. She refuses to leave. Getting her to leave the apartment has to be done physically with a lot of kicking and screaming involved. This occurs at least once a month too. She goes to her mom's place, then two days later is back and everything is all patched up.
I discover whenever I'm not around she eats all my groceries. I ask her about it, she lies to me and says it wasn't her. She basically takes her welfare money and blows it all on booze, smokes and drugs to keep her and her boyfriend happy. I'm not dumb, I know it's benefitting my roomate too, which is why he's not pressing to hard on her paying rent. After two months I tell him if she's going to LIVE there, then she needs to A) chip in on rent and B) buy her own fucking food. On the 3rd month I ended up putting an ultimatum on him saying either she chips in, leaves or I'll move out. She ain't my girlfriend, I'm not paying to feed and and keep a roof over her head.
A couple days later she decides it's button pushing time and this time she wants the biggest drama display of all time. A friend of mine comes over and we walk to the nearby pool hall, my roommate has a friend of his come over too and decide to do the same thing. The girlfriend is also going to head upstairs to her female friends place for a bit while we're all at the bar. My friend has already bought a 24 of beer with the intention of coming home and drinking some of it with his girlfriend and have a fun, relaxing night.
When I get home I discover our one window WIDE open. Our place has been broken into, but nothing that I can see was stolen. My friend comes home a few minutes later and I tell him about the window, he goes to the fridge and finds his entire 24 beer missing. He goes up to check on the girlfriend in the upstairs apartment and finds her drinking it with 4 other guys. What he actually saw I don't know, he wouldn't tell me, but it bugged him a great deal. He just have been very suspicious and jealous, I dunno. Anyways he gets her to come back to our apartment and tells her to pack her shit and leave. She refuses, and a screaming argument erupts. Eventually he grabs all her clothes and chucks it out the window. She starts throwing punches at him, he reacts by physically pushing her out of the apartment.
While he's outside the land ladies say they can hear the noise from their arguements and start giving him shit and tell him to keep it quiet. My friend, quite drunk, wound up and really pissed off responds by putting his hand through a fire extinguisher glass screen thing. The land ladies call the cops on him. He takes off, hides in the bushes. Cops come question me, the landladies, they can't find him so they leave.
The next day we get our eviction notice.