buck up buttercup, we all love you
It really doesnt feel like it was all that long ago, really. Maybe only a year or so, but not three. The only thing other than the calendar that tells me how long its been is the roadmap of how far Id fallen and clawed my way back up the hill, ever since then.
My relationship with Nyckole Hanoonah started around the very beginning of 2002, when I moved to Atlanta for my short stint in film school. We met, and we completely went retarded for one another. Young, stupid, completely in love and determined to get married at the ripe age of 19. Our relationship and engagement lasted all of six months, but I still stand by the fact that it was the best six months of my life so far, but as things usually go with impetuous youth, things fell apart. In the end, Nycki ended up leaving me for someone else. I was devastated. When she told me shed been seeing someone else behind my back, I just went rigid. I didnt yell, I didnt scream, I didnt beg her to reconsider. I just went hard inside, and told her to get out, and that was the end of it. I never saw her again after that point. I dropped out of school and moved back home, and let life lead me wherever it would. As I began to recover from the blow Id been dealt, I moved on. I found someone else and got a job for myself. About a year passed before I learned that Nyckole had married the guy she left me for, and that was the part that ripped the wound right back open. My relationship with the other girl began to deteriorate, but we stuck through together. Six months after finding out about her marriage, I got an email from a mutual friend telling me that Nycki had died. It could have been a combination of different things and pressures that were weighing on me, but what I went through in the following two years after Nyckis death can only accurately be described as losing my mind and dropping off the face of the earth.
I shut out almost every old friend I had except for my then girlfriend and gave up on myself and everything else. In the year since I recovered, Ive done a lot of reading on the subject of how people deal with grief over death, to try and put a better understanding behind my own issues in dealing with Nyckis death. The truth was, I just completely lost my mind. When some people have trouble dealing, or just refuse to deal altogether with losing someone, some of them begin to devote themselves to any number of self-destructive behaviors. You lose someone that close to you and you dont deal with it, odds are youll end up self-medicating yourself with drugs or alcohol, or doing any other number of wreck less behaviors. I remember my main poison became a horrendous shoplifting addiction, and it took me getting caught and almost going to jail to get myself to take a step back and ask myself why I was doing so much to try and destroy my life. After beginning some sessions with a therapist, we began digging into the roots of my problems with Nyckis death, and she pointed me toward a few really good books that have given me a greater understanding of grief.
Every time this day rolls around, I just kind of end up shutting the rest of the world out for a while, and just letting everything wash back over me. The thing that seems to have changed this year is, Im no longer all that sad about it. Dont get me wrong, Ive still got my fair share of issues from this that will for the most part never be resolved, but now everything just seems more Manageable.
Im tired of being pissed off at her. Im tired of the mixed up, fucked up feelings and the betrayal. Everything that went down in the end, between Nyckole and I, the wound is finally healing. For all the unanswered questions and what if questions, I just I dont care about it anymore.
I loved Nycki. I still do. I always will.
Nyckole Louise Hanoonah-Theriault
September 2th, 1983 - June 11th, 2003
buck up buttercup, we all love you
Something completely bizarre and fucked up that I've never really gotten a straight answer about. Long story short, cutting out all the speculation, bullshit, and possible lies I've been fed in all this time from her ass-backward family, the Reader's Digest version is as follows...Originally Posted by Captain Sensation
She's had a history of having really bad headaches, and one night when she and her husband were Christmas shopping, she got a really, really bad one and ended up passing out. Taken to the hospital, she lay in a coma for almost three days, before coming out and talking to all of her friends and family, then she went back under a day or so later, her brain swelled up, her brain stem stabbed into it, and it killed her.