This woman is the Giving Tree of kitsch. Let’s make a list of all that she’s given us, shall we?**
1. A set of knitted, belted, orange hotpant overalls
2. Knee-high clog spats
3. A purple shirt with puffy sleves and realistic choking action
4. A strangely glowing tan that rivals the color of her knitted, belted hotpant overalls
5. Irradiated rosy cheekbones that could open a tin can
6. A Tyra-worthy fivehead.
7. A positively Freudian ice cream treat
8. Those eyes. Lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When she comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be living… until she bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’.
8. Nightmares for the rest of our lives
And if only she were facing us, I do believe we’d be treated to a camel’s entire fist, not simply the toe.
*wipes single tear from cheek*
She is perfection.
**please feel free to add anything I’ve forgotten!