Is Adultery no big deal?

[Thudpucker]

It seems like I read more books and see more movies lately that deal with adultry like it's just a part of life.

Like the movie Closer. The reason I hated that movie is because I felt the characters were terrible people. But I guess if you don't consider adultery that bad, they are much more sympathetic.

And a book I'm reading right now, The Marriage Of Sticks by Jonathan Carroll. Carroll is one of my favorite authors, and the book is very well written and interesting. But the main character is a woman who commits adultery (she is single and has an afair with a married man).

And in the book, it's treated as just something that 'happens'. a part of life. You are not supposed to dislike the main character for sleeping with a married man, you are supposed to sympathize with her and feel sorry for her.

I don't get it. To me this is a horrible thing to do, sleeping with someone who is married. Am I just old fashioned?

[xyzzy]

I wouldn't do it, but I don't really consider someone who has an affair to be a horrible person, just someone with bad judgment.

[Matt Jay]

It seems like I read more books and see more movies lately that deal with adultry like it's just a part of life.

Like the movie Closer. The reason I hated that movie is because I felt the characters were terrible people. But I guess if you don't consider adultery that bad, they are much more sympathetic.

And a book I'm reading right now, The Marriage Of Sticks by Jonathan Carroll. Carroll is one of my favorite authors, and the book is very well written and interesting. But the main character is a woman who commits adultery (she is single and has an afair with a married man).

And in the book, it's treated as just something that 'happens'. a part of life. You are not supposed to dislike the main character for sleeping with a married man, you are supposed to sympathize with her and feel sorry for her.

I don't get it. To me this is a horrible thing to do, sleeping with someone who is married. Am I just old fashioned?

I'm the same way. I think few things short of murder are more repulsive. But at the same time I'm fond of the character Jack in Sideways. Go figure.

[Shwicaz]

depends. Some people marry for different reasons. Some people have an 'open relationship' where they agree to see other people (Matt and I were like that for a long time in the beginning, and one could say we still do, but we haven't done that in a long time)

Then again, we arent' married, so I'm not sure if that adds anyting to the conversation.

[sonnylarue]

why is this under politics?

[GoddessOKay]

eeewww

[xyzzy]

I'm the same way. I think few things short of murder are more repulsive. But at the same time I'm fond of the character Jack in Sideways. Go figure.

Seriously? In your moral heirarchy, adultery is just a stones throw from murder?

[Thudpucker]

why is this under politics?

None of the other tags fit. Politics is the closest thing we have for discussions of social issues.

[Matt Jay]

Seriously? In your moral heirarchy, adultery is just a stones throw from murder?
Well there's alot of stuff in between, like child molesting, child abuse, voting Republican and the like, but I do think it's pretty damn bad to betray someone so close to you on such a fundamental level.

[xyzzy]

Well there's alot of stuff in between, like child molesting, child abuse, voting Republican and the like, but I do think it's pretty damn bad to betray someone so close to you on such a fundamental level.

I would think that most people who commit adultery are no longer that close to their spouses.

[Jason_BANNED]

Seriously? In your moral heirarchy, adultery is just a stones throw from murder?

Well, I wouldn't put it up there with murder, but it's definitely in the family with bold face lying. So, I'd be less likely to trust someone who had committed adultry; be they politicians or otherwise.

I think the notion of seperating what a person does in their private life from their public service is bullshit. If your wife can't trust you, then why should your constituents.

This isn't directed towards Clinton, but obviously he's the most well known case of a public servant doing so. And for as much as I think he did great things for his country, I still don't trust him because of his adultry (and his shameless attempts to "argue" his way out of it on the stand).

By contrast, I don't trust W based on the fact that he's a fucking moron. Has nothing to do with his personal life; just with his general ineptitude.

Jason

[Matt Jay]

I would think that most people who commit adultery are no longer that close to their spouses.

Then why don't they get a divorce first? Or tell their spouse, "Hey, I haven't fucked anyone else yet, but now I want to fuck other people". Then separate or whatever. That's much better.

[Thudpucker]

Seriously? In your moral heirarchy, adultery is just a stones throw from murder?

It is for me too.

It's remnants of a Conservative Religious upbringing, for me at least. My childhood Church actually ex-communicated members for Adultery, taught that it was one of the most serious of sins.

I'm pretty liberal now, and consider myself open-minded. But I never changed my mind on that one. Adultery being one of the most horrible things a person can do to another person, that's still something I believe.

I feel like maybe I'm out of sync with most other people sometimes though, because pop culture like TV at least acts like Adultery is no big deal anymore.

[Natty P]

Given that the majority of married people have always, and are contininguing to, do it, I don't think it's that big of a deal.

[xyzzy]

Then why don't they get a divorce first? Or tell their spouse, "Hey, I haven't fucked anyone else yet, but now I want to fuck other people". Then separate or whatever. That's much better.

If you're separated, it's still adultery. That's my point. Adultery isn't inherently bad. Betrayal is.

[Matt Jay]

If you're separated, it's still adultery. That's my point. Adultery isn't inherently bad. Betrayal is.

Different connotations I guess.

[xyzzy]

It is for me too.

It's remnants of a Conservative Religious upbringing, for me at least. My childhood Church actually ex-communicated members for Adultery, taught that it was one of the most serious of sins.

I'm pretty liberal now, and consider myself open-minded. But I never changed my mind on that one. Adultery being one of the most horrible things a person can do to another person, that's still something I believe.

I feel like maybe I'm out of sync with most other people sometimes though, because pop culture like TV at least acts like Adultery is no big deal anymore.

I don't consider adultery to be any worse than any other betrayal. I mean is it worse to have sex with another person or to squander your life savings on gambling without telling your partner? Betrayal is betrayal.

[Thudpucker]

For me it's not about judging people or anything, everyones got to live their own way on things like this.

I guess I just though that a majority of people though of Adultery as serious, as a bad thing. Not something that 'just happens', or is a normal part of life.

[Jason_BANNED]

I don't consider adultery to be any worse than any other betrayal. I mean is it worse to have sex with another person or to squander your life savings on gambling without telling your partner? Betrayal is betrayal.

I totally agree with that.

I know of a local pastor (well, former pastor) who was caught having a sex-free affair that ruined his family / ministry. There was no sex, nor then intention to have it, but he spent an enormous amount of money on his mistress and almost put his family in bankruptcy.

Jason

[xyzzy]

For me it's not about judging people or anything, everyones got to live their own way on things like this.

I guess I just though that a majority of people though of Adultery as serious, as a bad thing. Not something that 'just happens', or is a normal part of life.

I'd say that your assessment was correct. You can't base your assessment of people from movie morality. And I don't think the characters in Closer were supposed to be sympathetic.

[Matt Jay]

I don't consider adultery to be any worse than any other betrayal. I mean is it worse to have sex with another person or to squander your life savings on gambling without telling your partner? Betrayal is betrayal.

For me, adultery is worse than someone lying about what they did with the life savings, or talking shit on me to their friends. There's an emotional aspect involved with adultery that isn't there with lesser forms of betrayal. And I don't consider it adultery if a couple is seperated b/c, to me, a separation implies that both people are aware, and to a degree have even accepted, that the other person will be fucking other people.

In the same vein, I think adultery can happen when the couple involved isn't even married. It just depends on how honest the couple is being with themselves and each other.

[xyzzy]

For me, adultery is worse than someone lying about what they did with the life savings, or talking shit on me to their friends. There's an emotional aspect involved with adultery that isn't there with lesser forms of betrayal. And I don't consider it adultery if a couple is seperated b/c, to me, a separation implies that both people are aware, and to a degree have even accepted, that the other person will be fucking other people.

In the same vein, I think adultery can happen when the couple involved isn't even married. It just depends on how honest the couple is being with themselves and each other.

Well, then you should use a different word, because adultery is when a person has sex with another person who is not their spouse. Maybe you should just say cheating. You can't just change the meaning of a word to suit your purposes.

[Matt Jay]

Well, then you should use a different word, because adultery is when a person has sex with another person who is not their spouse. Maybe you should just say cheating. You can't just change the meaning of a word to suit your purposes.

Ok. Cheating. Now that the technicalities are out of the way, do you still think that cheating is no worse than any other type of betrayal?

[xyzzy]

Ok. Cheating. Now that the technicalities are out of the way, do you still think that cheating is no worse than any other type of betrayal?

Yeah, I'm sticking to my guns, here. If anything, I consider the life savings thing to be worse. Sex is just sex. At worse, you get a divorce and move on. Debt/bankruptcy will follow you around long after the relationship is over.

[Matt Jay]

Yeah, I'm sticking to my guns, here. If anything, I consider the life savings thing to be worse.

Wow. I guess we place differing values on sex and money.

So if you were Woody Harrelson in Indecent Proposal, would you go for it?

[xyzzy]

Wow. I guess we place differing values on sex and money.

So if you were Woody Harrelson in Indecent Proposal, would you go for it?

Nice. I love the straw man. It speaks volumes about the strength of your argument.

[The Human Target]

I don't believe in God or anything similar, so it doesn't bother me like as a breaking of a religious commitment. But I don't find it to be bad in and of itself. People have affairs for a plethora of reasons, and most of them aren't rooted in evil.

ps- I finally watched Closer Thupucker. I really liked it. I thought it was a bit over the top at points, but it was still really good. I empathized with all the characters at points. But my question is why the fuck did everyone hate Natalie Portman at the end? What did she do that was so awful?

[Matt Jay]

Sex is just sex. At worse, you get a divorce and move on. Debt/bankruptcy will follow you around long after the relationship is over.
(Just saw the rest)
For me, there would be lingering psychological damage making it difficult to ever really move on. Much more so with the "cheating" betrayal than the "blowing my money" betrayal.

[Thudpucker]

Yeah, I'm sticking to my guns, here. If anything, I consider the life savings thing to be worse. Sex is just sex. At worse, you get a divorce and move on. Debt/bankruptcy will follow you around long after the relationship is over.

I doubt I could ever stay married to a woman who commited Adultery.

If she hid money or gambled it away, gave it away, whatever - I wouldn't even care. I hate money, it means nothing. If she slept with someone else, the marriage would be over and any love I had for her would be gone, just dead.

[Matt Jay]

Nice. I love the straw man. It speaks volumes about the strength of your argument.

? No need to get confontational. I'm enjoying the conversation. Am I wrong that we place different values on sex and money?

[xyzzy]

(Just saw the rest)
For me, there would be lingering psychological damage making it difficult to ever really move on. Much more so with the "cheating" betrayal than the "blowing my money" betrayal.

It's not just "blowing my money." It's damaging our future together and then lying about it.

[The Human Target]

Nice. I love the straw man. It speaks volumes about the strength of your argument.

If it makes you feel better, I agree that wasting all a families money is just as bad if not worse than just fucking someone. It has nothing to do with my love of money, but the fact that is a BETRAYAL of the whole family and their future.

[xyzzy]

? No need to get confontational. I'm enjoying the conversation. Am I wrong that we place different values on sex and money?

By implying that I would accept that indecent proposal thing, you imply that I value money over faithfulness. Not only is that not true, but I haven't said anything in this discussion to indicate it, either.

[Thudpucker]

ps- I finally watched Closer Thupucker. I really liked it. I thought it was a bit over the top at points, but it was still really good. I empathized with all the characters at points. But my question is why the fuck did everyone hate Natalie Portman at the end? What did she do that was so awful?

Spoiler-rific, don't read if you havn't seen Closer yet:









She lied to the guy the whole time. She never even told him her real name. How would that feel, to be madly in love with a woman and be in a relationship with her for almost 4 years, and find out you never even knew her name? I get that she is 'damaged, untrusting, blah blah' but it put the whole reason she left him at the end into perspective. If she is allowed to live a lie, she can stay. No lie, she leaves.

I didn't hate her for that, but it certianly didn't help me like her or identify with her.

The other characters I hated because of the adultery, the never-ending play of lies betwen the characters, the betrails, the weakness... everything. I just didn't like them, or the slice of their lives the movie showed.

[Boris the Blade]

Excusivity is implied in a long-term relationship, and anyone who says otherwise is trying to weasel out of their actions. It should be said that there are no plans of being exclusive, if that's the intention. If you don't, you're just going to hurt the other person. Hey, maybe worse than you can imagine. If you sleep around, they're hurt, and they forgive you and you stay together anyways, it's only going to get worse. No one ever learns their lessons with cheating the first time around. It would be an exceptional rarity, from personal experience. Adultery is a bad, bad thing to do to someone you care about.

[xyzzy]

I doubt I could ever stay married to a woman who commited Adultery.

If she hid money or gambled it away, gave it away, whatever - I wouldn't even care. I hate money, it means nothing. If she slept with someone else, the marriage would be over and any love I had for her would be gone, just dead.

Money, like sex, means nothing in a relationship until you have none of it. Then it's the only thing that matters.

[Matt Jay]

By implying that I would accept that indecent proposal thing, you imply that I value money over faithfulness. Not only is that not true, but I haven't said anything in this discussion to indicate it, either.

I didn't mean to imply anything. I wanted to get a feel for your value system. Not to impeach your character, but to understand someone who values things differently than me. I asked because I was curious how you would respond. I agree that you haven't indicated how you'd respond.

[xyzzy]

I didn't mean to imply anything. I wanted to get a feel for your value system. Not to impeach your character, but to understand someone who values things differently than me. I asked because I was curious how you would respond. I agree that you haven't indicated how you'd respond.

Of course I wouldn't agree. That you ask at all is more than a little insulting.

[Thudpucker]

Money, like sex, means nothing in a relationship until you have none of it. Then it's the only thing that matters.

No, not really.

[xyzzy]

No, not really.

I don't think you've really thought this through.

[The Human Target]

Spoiler-rific, don't read if you havn't seen Closer yet:









She lied to the guy the whole time. She never even told him her real name. How would that feel, to be madly in love with a woman and be in a relationship with her for almost 4 years, and find out you never even knew her name? I get that she is 'damaged, untrusting, blah blah' but it put the whole reason she left him at the end into perspective. If she is allowed to live a lie, she can stay. No lie, she leaves.

I didn't hate her for that, but it certianly didn't help me like her or identify with her.

The other characters I hated because of the adultery, the never-ending play of lies betwen the characters, the betrails, the weakness... everything. I just didn't like them, or the slice of their lives the movie showed.

I guess I just don't get it. Why does her name really matter? Its meaningless. And its not like Jude Law was madly in love with her, atleast not at first.

[gaspar]

Yeah, I'm sticking to my guns, here. If anything, I consider the life savings thing to be worse. Sex is just sex. At worse, you get a divorce and move on. Debt/bankruptcy will follow you around long after the relationship is over.

No, actually, at worst you get a VD and die on top of the divorce, emotional trauma, etc. Between two people in a committed relationship, I don't think there is anything more hurtful or evil you can do (short of killing that person) than adultery. I agree with Thud on this one...blow all my money on gambling, etc. and I'd be pissed for a while, but in the grand scheme, I could really get over that pretty easily. Cheat on me and we're done. I'm in a marriage for a reason. If you no longer value the commitment, let me know. I'd much rather have a divorce than an adulterous wife. If you're in an open relationship and that's your thing, more power to you, but it's not for me. And in this day and age, it's not just an emotional thing, its a safety thing. I'm not out there swinging my dick at everything that moves because I don't want diseases...on top of many other reasons...and I expect the same in return.

Brandon

[Matt Jay]

It's not just "blowing my money." It's damaging our future together and then lying about it.

That's how I see cheating but, for me, with lesser emotional damage.

[xyzzy]

No, actually, at worst you get a VD and die on top of the divorce, emotional trauma, etc. Between two people in a committed relationship, I don't think there is anything more hurtful or evil you can do (short of killing that person) than adultery. I agree with Thud on this one...blow all my money on gambling, etc. and I'd be pissed for a while, but in the grand scheme, I could really get over that pretty easily. Cheat on me and we're done. I'm in a marriage for a reason. If you no longer value the commitment, let me know. I'd much rather have a divorce than an adulterous wife. If you're in an open relationship and that's your thing, more power to you, but it's not for me. And in this day and age, it's not just an emotional thing, its a safety thing. I'm not out there swinging my dick at everything that moves because I don't want diseases...on top of many other reasons...and I expect the same in return.

Brandon

Okay, given, I didn't consider the STD issue, which is pretty serious. But why is a sexual betrayal so much worse than a financial one? There wouldn't be emotional damage from that?

[Thudpucker]

I don't think you've really thought this through.

That sex becomes more important after your sex life dries up? That money is a serious strain on a relationship when you don't have it?

What is there to think about? If you love someone, a lack of sex or money is not important. They are difficulties to be worked out, that's all.

Lack of money and sex are not important in the slightest. Betrail of love for money or sex - that is important. One I could probably forgive, one I know I could not.

[xyzzy]

That's how I see cheating but, for me, with lesser emotional damage.

I don't understand that.

[stevapalooza]

I think there are different levels of adultery. The most severe kind is when you go out and start an ongoing emotional relationship with someone else and never tell either person that you have someone else. That's a betrayal of two people and as pretty horrible thing to do. But if someone steps out of a relationship to get some quick meaningless sex, call me a moral cretin but I don't think that's all that horrendous. I can love a woman with all my heart and still be up for some quick nookie with a stranger.

Women seem to believe that once you commit to them you're supposed to stop wanting all other women. But men NEVER stop wanting other women, no matter how in love they are. In the end it boils down to the man's self control. And i don't think it's a huge crime to lose that self control once or twice. It's not a good thing, but it's not the crime of the century either.

[xyzzy]

That sex becomes more important after your sex life dries up? That money is a serious strain on a relationship when you don't have it?

What is there to think about? If you love someone, a lack of sex or money is not important. They are difficulties to be worked out, that's all.

Lack of money and sex are not important in the slightest. Betrail of love for money or sex - that is important. One I could probably forgive, one I know I could not.

You've never known a couple that loved each other, but couldn't make it work? Love doesn't transcend problems, it just give you motivation to work through them. No sex or no money can tear apart a couple faster than anything.

[Thudpucker]

You've never known a couple that loved each other, but couldn't make it work? Love doesn't transcend problems, it just give you motivation to work through them.

I know people like that. I'm not one of them though, and I'm only speaking for myself.

edit - I'm old fashioned it that regard too I think. Except in cases of adultery, I believe in working thru problems, if you still love each other, and not ending relationships because that's the easier thing to do.

[Matt Jay]

I don't understand that.

Cheating would also be damaging our future together and lying about it. And for myself, the emotional damage of being cheated on would be greater than any emotional damage that could be felt by having a dishonest spouse with a gambling problem.

[Smokinblues]

I don't think adultery is as prevalent as we're led to believe. Or, for clarification's sake, as portrayed in media. I think it's portrayed the way it is because it's one of those 'universal' buttons. Everyone thinks about it at some level, whether they've cheated, been cheated on, or are afraid of cheating or being cheated.

The number biggest reason for divorce in this country is financial difficulties and differences, not adultery.

[Matt Jay]

I don't think adultery is as prevalent as we're led to believe. Or, for clarification's sake, as portrayed in media. I think it's portrayed the way it is because it's one of those 'universal' buttons. Everyone thinks about it at some level, whether they've cheated, been cheated on, or are afraid of cheating or being cheated.

The number biggest reason for divorce in this country is financial difficulties and differences, not adultery.

Maybe so, but I know a shitload of people that get cheated on.

[xyzzy]

Cheating would also be damaging our future together and lying about it. And for myself, the emotional damage of being cheated on would be greater than any emotional damage that could be felt by having a dishonest spouse with a gambling problem.

Well, the point isn't about a gambling problem specifically, but rather that other kinds of betrayals can be just as bad. I understand that you don't feel that way, but what is so much worse about sex than anything else?

And adultery may damage your relationship, but it probably won't damage your future. Financial betrayal on the other hand could mean that you'll have a hard time for years after the relationship is over.

[xyzzy]

I know people like that. I'm not one of them though, and I'm only speaking for myself.

edit - I'm old fashioned it that regard too I think. Except in cases of adultery, I believe in working thru problems, if you still love each other, and not ending relationships because that's the easier thing to do.

I don't know if you want a pat on the back or what. You have a much more romantic/idealistic view of love than I do. You can love another person and still be incompatable with them. Better for the two of you to find new love than to torture each other until you hate each other.

[xyzzy]

Maybe so, but I know a shitload of people that get cheated on.

So far I don't know anyone in my age group (30) who's cheated or been cheated on. Most of my friends are married.

[Matt Jay]

Well, the point isn't about a gambling problem specifically, but rather that other kinds of betrayals can be just as bad. I understand that you don't feel that way, but what is so much worse about sex than anything else?
Difficult to articulate without sounding too cheesy. I've had meaningless sex and I've had sex that meant something. When it means something, it hurts to know that they'd still look elsewhere even after giving me the impression to the contrary. If the sex didn't mean anything, I wouldn't hesitate to let Demi go with the dashing Mr. Redford. But sometimes it means more than I'm capable of articulating on a message board, so that's why I wouldn't want her to go.

[xyzzy]

Difficult to articulate without sounding too cheesy. I've had meaningless sex and I've had sex that meant something. When it means something, it hurts to know that they'd still look elsewhere even after giving me the impression to the contrary. If the sex didn't mean anything, I wouldn't hesitate to let Demi go with the dashing Mr. Redford. But sometimes it means more than I'm capable of articulating on a message board, so that's why I wouldn't want her to go.

Isn't the emotional connection at least as, if not more important than the physical?

[Matt Jay]

Isn't the emotional connection at least as, if not more important than the physical?
I don't follow.

[Matt Jay]

So far I don't know anyone in my age group (30) who's cheated or been cheated on. Most of my friends are married.

I know one guy in my age group that's being cheated on. I can think of three older couples where I know for a fact that cheating is involved. If any of them are aware, they don't care. I don't understand why not.

[tstouder]

I guess my personal views about adultery being a major betrayal stems from seeing it happen first hand. I remember back in 1990 when my dad told my mom of his affair and the years leading up to their divorce because of that. they had been married for 27 years at that point. It tore her apart emotionally and seeing all of that unfold really affected my two younger brothers and myself for many years to come.
because of all the hurt I watched my mom go thru, I look upon people who cheat on their significant others as lower than dogshit. if a person is willing to hurt someone else like that, just to get fucked...then there is nothing to trust in that person. if their own family can't trust them, there is no way I would ever trust that person.
but as I said, my feelings stem from watching firsthand, the betrayal of one spouse to another. so I am a little biased.

[xyzzy]

I don't follow.

Just because your wife sought another man for physical intimacy, it doesn't necessarily follow that she is also seeking emotional intimacy with that person.

[xyzzy]

I also just want to point out that some in this discussion are acting like adultery just happens out of the blue. Oh, we have a loving, trusting relationship and then my spouse cheated for no reason. I don't think that's the way things actually happen. There are typically lots of underlying problems that adultery is just the syptom of.

[Mr. E!]

This is a general response to everything that is being said about the subject, so I'm going to try to cover all of the thread in one post. :)
As a man who is happily married, I can conceive of nothing my wife could do to me that would be worse than adultery. I love her, without hesitation, or reservation. For the both of us, sex is a tangible bond of our commitment and our trust, and it goes beyond a mere physical act. I'd been with a lot of women before her, but with marriage, it is different. Marriage is a commitment to all who enter it, and for some (not me) a sacrament. I was taught never to enter a commitment lightly. In my upbringing, marriage is not temporary, it is a lifelong commitment. You don't propose lightly. Problems that arise need to be worked through as a unit, a partnership. When one partner betrays another's trust, it is hard to build that trust up again. When the betrayal is sexual, due to the emotional component that sex brings with it, it becomes almost impossible.
Is adultery seen as something that just happens? That is de regur? In entertainment, sure. In real life, yes. Some perspective: when I was younger, I was living with a girl who wound up cheating on me with my best friend from high school. These were two people I trusted implicitly. I’d known him for 8 years, and he was closer to me than my own brother. She and I were incredibly close as well, as evidenced by the fact that we were living together. 15 years later, and I don’t speak to either one of them. I’ve tried to reconcile with him several times, but I just could never get over wanting to beat him within an inch of his life. It was a betrayal of the highest magnitude. I wouldn’t have felt the same way over theft, over money. The lie would have been implicit in both, but the breach of emotional trust made it much worse. It was years before I dated again, and years beyond that before I could trust another person completely. Adultery isn’t something you shrug your shoulders over and just get over if you’re the one that was cheated on. So it does happen. I don’t know how prevalent it is, but if you’ve been on the cheated-on side of it, it is devastating. It is definitely a big deal.
There’s been a lot of talk in this thread about money, and problems and betrayals with it leading to divorce. I’ve had money. I’ve been without money. I’d rather have it. Money can screw up a marriage if the two people aren’t on the page as far as how to spend it, how to save it, and what is necessary with keeping the accounts. This is the stuff that needs to be faced before the wedding, to make sure that a couple is compatible as far as finances go.
If your spouse screws with the savings, if there is a secret addiction and he/she siphons off funds, yeah, it’s bad. But does it compare with adultery? It’s ultimately a bogus comparison, it’s apples and oranges. Money isn’t alive. Money isn’t sex. Betrayal is betrayal, sure, but again, there is an order of magnitude in difference between lying about money and lying about sex with another person. They are both lies, there is betrayal in both, but there is an emotional component to adultery that just isn’t there with money. If a man sticks his dick in my money, he’s not going to catch half the beating as he would if he sticks it in my wife.
All this is, of course, from my perspective, from my experiences, and are my opinions that I have developed through my experiences.

[Victor Cabanelas]

To me, adultery is a big deal.

In my opinion, one should try to be with only one person who fills all the needs that you might have. If the person with you can´t do that, I don´t really see the point in sleeping with another one.

Another thing, If you must hide it, then it´s wrong. If you don´t hied it and your couple is ok with it, then (in my humble opinion) she/he doesn´t care about you. And why would you spend your time with someone that doesn´t give a damn about you?

[Thudpucker]

I don't know if you want a pat on the back or what. You have a much more romantic/idealistic view of love than I do. You can love another person and still be incompatable with them. Better for the two of you to find new love than to torture each other until you hate each other.

I'm talking more about ideals, and how I feel people should be. Wether that matches reality, *eh*. You seem to be happy not having ideals, but living with what you think are realistic expectations instead. I would rather hope for more, and live with less than settle.

btw, I'm not sure wether you want a pat on the back for your pesemistic/realistic view of love either, so I guess we are both standing around waiting for our pats?

[xyzzy]

I'm talking more about ideals, and how I feel people should be. Wether that matches reality, *eh*. You seem to be happy not having ideals, but living with what you think are realistic expectations instead. I would rather hope for more, and live with less than settle.

btw, I'm not sure wether you want a pat on the back for your pesemistic/realistic view of love either, so I guess we are both standing around waiting for our pats?

I kind of resent the implication that I've somehow settled for less because of my views. I would say that my marriage is as good as any and better than most. Being realistic and not idealizing your partner is important to maintain a healthy relationship.

[joespam]

For me it's not about judging people or anything, everyones got to live their own way on things like this.

I guess I just though that a majority of people though of Adultery as serious, as a bad thing. Not something that 'just happens', or is a normal part of life.

Just because fictional characters are blase about it hardly means that in the trenches of relationships that there's been a major shift in attitude towards cheating on your partner. Though I have nothing to back it up, I'd tend to believe there hasn't been any change in attitudes toward adultery.

If anything, the fact that Clinton was impeached over it (I know that people will claim that was over the perjury, not the act, but I don't think so), shows that people are LESS accepting of it.

I'd imagine there are just as many affairs going on as there ever were, and the proportions of marriages surviving it and not are about the same. It's a huge betrayal and a big indicator that the person doing it can't handle a relationship, or of big relationship problems.

[dEnny!]

It seems like I read more books and see more movies lately that deal with adultry like it's just a part of life.

Like the movie Closer. The reason I hated that movie is because I felt the characters were terrible people. But I guess if you don't consider adultery that bad, they are much more sympathetic.

And a book I'm reading right now, The Marriage Of Sticks by Jonathan Carroll. Carroll is one of my favorite authors, and the book is very well written and interesting. But the main character is a woman who commits adultery (she is single and has an afair with a married man).

And in the book, it's treated as just something that 'happens'. a part of life. You are not supposed to dislike the main character for sleeping with a married man, you are supposed to sympathize with her and feel sorry for her.

I don't get it. To me this is a horrible thing to do, sleeping with someone who is married. Am I just old fashioned?


I think adultery is a VERY big deal. If I ever cheated on my wife I've strained/broken many relationships: God, my wife, my family, her family, my church, my friends, everyone here because what type of Christian/person would I be, what type of witness would I be if I cheated on my wife. I honestly think my best friend who helps hold me accountable would literally beat the snot out of me. Everyone who knows me would think less of me, rightfully so. I'm sure at some point I may be able to earn that trust back with some and others may forgive me, but why put myself in that situation.

I enjoyed the movie Closer; I don't think people think about the consequences of their actions, they get lost in "the moment." It's selfish.

Unfortunately, I guess so many do it that it has become just something you almost come to expect from people.