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Vonn Hennigar
07-19-2006, 10:48 AM
Fashion

Much like the preceding decades, the 1990s was a time of extreme fashion faux pas. From parachute pants to acid-washed jeans, nearly every fad we adopted brought us deeper into the sartorial Dark Ages. Here are five more reasons that made it so difficult for us to get laid.

Zubaz pants
Following the discovery of aphrodisiacs by the ancient Greeks, mankind spent thousands of years trying to create something -- anything -- that could counteract their powerful effects. The result was Zubaz pants, a style so hideous it could make a blind man cry. Invented in 1991, the pants were originally created for bodybuilders looking for clothing that could expand to accommodate their bulging muscles. At their height, Zubaz actually sold over $100 million in merchandise per year, thanks to 1) lucrative contracts with J. C. Penney and the National Football League and
2) mulleted rednecks who wouldn’t recognize fashion if it yanked them by their rattails.

Overalls
For reasons that still elude us, men once thought it would be a good idea to dress up like poor share croppers. The result was the return of overalls. During the 1990s, teens typically wore their overalls either with a belt, letting the front and back flaps hang down, or with only one strap hooked, leaving the opposite side open. Regardless of the technique, this brand of farmer fashion still made the wearer look as though they should be birthing hogs and chasing after their sisters.

Hypercolor
During the 1990s, men went absolutely hyper for hypercolor -- a brand of clothing that instantly changed color with heat, thanks to a thermochromic pigment. There was just one little problem: In addition to showing the world when your body was changing temperature, hypercolor shirts also had a remarkable knack for turning your pit stains neon pink. Oddly enough, during a decade when we were encouraged to “never let ‘em see you sweat,” this sci-fi fashion did just the opposite.

Eight ball leather jacket
During the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, movies like The Color of Money suddenly made playing pool hip again. Recognizing a good thing when they saw it, the fashion industry responded with a series of garish leather jackets featuring eight ball designs on the back and elbows. Needless to say, this laughably dated fashion was the billiard equivalent to sinking the cue ball… over and over again.

Multi-colored silk shirts
Henry Smith once observed: “Any cloth may cover our sores, but the finest silk will not cover our sins.” It’s a hard lesson to learn, but it’s one we experienced time and time again in the ‘90s, thanks to a proliferation of multi-colored silk shirts so garish they looked as though they were covered in clown vomit. If anything, these flimsy garments brought attention to our transgressions rather than cover them up.

Gadgetry
James Bond wasn’t the only one with cool gadgets during the 1990s. Thanks to an infusion of cheap goods from Taiwan, nearly everyone was able to join the hi-tech revolution. Below are a few gadgets we’re still trying to forget.

Individual movie rewinders
With the possible exception of “Fart Knocker,” no phrase was used more often during the 1990s than “Please be kind -- rewind.” Our national obsession with returning VHS cassettes to their starting point sadly resulted in one-way VHS video tape rewinders. These needlessly cumbersome devices were supposed to extend the life of your VCR, but just ended up cluttering even more shelf space next to our Beanie Babies and Koosh Balls.

V-Chip
The digital equivalent of a prissy chaperone, the V-Chip was a hi-tech computer device used to block the display of television programming based upon its rating. Parents who used the device needed only to blacklist any program designated for mature audiences and it was suddenly goodbye late-night French porn and hello Lawrence Welk. Needless to say, the V-Chip ruined more sleepovers than a urine-soaked sleeping bag.

Clunky portable phones
Anyone who has recently seen Wall Street will recall that cell phones weren’t always the svelte devices they are today. In fact, back in the day, portable phones were roughly the same shape and weight of a brick. The revolution truly began in 1989 when Motorola launched MicroTAC, a cellular phone that featured a flip-lid mouthpiece and was the smallest and lightest phone on the market. In other words, you could hold it up for nearly five minutes before your arm started to go numb.

Car air fresheners
During the 1990s, Americans became obsessively concerned with two things:
1) Who shot J.R. and WHY THE FUCK THIS IS HERE I'LL NEVER KNOW.
2) Keeping their cars odor-free.
The desire to have a clean-smelling automobile resulted in a number of air fresheners, including sprayable mists and scented cardboard trees. Although nothing can truly disguise the smell of a hearty Manwich fart, they always did their best to serve and protect.

Alternative entertainment formats
Rummage through any geek’s attic and you’re likely to find a stockpile of DAT tapes, MiniDiscs and Laserdiscs, three entertainment formats that all came of age during the 1990s. Revolutionary for their time, these days they’re just as likely to be used as beer coasters as they are for technological purposes.

Entertainment
The 1990s were far from a golden age of entertainment. When we weren’t glued to the tube watching Saved by the Bell, we were celebrating the antics of Spuds MacKenzie, the world’s only alcoholic bull terrier. Here are five other fads we’re equally ashamed of.

Dance trends
When it comes to dancing, there’s only one little rule you need to keep in mind: Never, ever, ever emulate another white man. Despite the obvious wisdom of the preceding statement, America couldn’t help but jump on the Billy Ray Cyrus bandwagon in 1992 when he introduced his moonshine-inspired dance to the “Achy Breaky Heart.” Blender magazine has since selected the tune as the “second worst song ever,” and it was later parodied to perfection by "Weird Al" Yankovic.

Eurodance
As if wearing Zubaz pants wasn’t bad enough, we also suffered musically during the 1990s with Eurotrash groups like 2 Unlimited, Real McCoy, Snap!, Culture Beat, and Dr. Alban. If you can remember any of their synth-heavy albums, you clearly weren’t doing enough drugs.

The cola war
Despite ongoing bloodshed in the Middle East, the only conflict most Americans cared about during the ‘90s was the so-called Cola War between Coke and Pepsi. The animosity between the two conglomerates resulted in a series of commercials starring musicians like Michael Jackson and Paula Abdul. Alas, both artists survived the war and continue to embarrass themselves to this day.

Stoner and slacker humor
Drug-fueled humor came to the forefront in the ‘90s thanks to shows like Beavis and Butthead and films like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Where else could you hear erudite lines like "Thinking sucks" and "I am the Great Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole!” Sadly, time has taught us that although Beavis and Butthead creator Mike Judge was acting, Keanu Reeves probably wasn’t.

American Gladiators
For those who liked Family Feud, but detested the lack of violence, there was American Gladiators, a game show in which contestants matched themselves up against physical freakazoids with names like Laser, Viper and Ice. In fact, the only thing more difficult than the show’s challenges was differentiating between the male and female competitors.

Lingo
Fitting in with the right crowd during the 1990s required not only walking the walk but also talking the talk. Take a trip down memory lane with the totally bodacious words below.

“Show me the money!”
Immortalized by Cuba Gooding Jr. in 1996’s Jerry Maguire, this colorful phrase was used to demand results of any kind, monetary or otherwise: “I love the black man! Show me the money!”

“Psych!”
A term meaning "gotcha," “psych” was used to reveal someone’s gullibility after someone told him a blatant falsehood:
“I hear they’re giving out free fanny packs at the mall."
"Really?"
"Psych!”

“Don't go there!”
This popular phrase was used to prevent someone from expanding upon sensitive subject matter:
“Hey, Biff, remember the time you tried to start a Right Said Fred fan club?”
“Oh, don’t go there!”

“Extreme”
A term used to denote any intense experience:
“I just got back from, like, the Ace of Base concert and it was, like, totally extreme!”

“Not!”
This usually unassuming word was used at the end of a sentence to negate the previous statement:
“I really like your fuchsia Zubaz pants. Not!”

ihategravity
07-19-2006, 10:53 AM
What about those snap bracelets that curled around your wrists? Those were pretty craptacular.

Nick Hale
07-19-2006, 11:03 AM
Wow I dodged most of those however I guess I should admit it now, I had at least two or three multi color silk shirts. :surrend:

YouStayClassy
07-19-2006, 11:06 AM
Eight ball leather jacket
During the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, movies like The Color of Money suddenly made playing pool hip again. Recognizing a good thing when they saw it, the fashion industry responded with a series of garish leather jackets featuring eight ball designs on the back and elbows. Needless to say, this laughably dated fashion was the billiard equivalent to sinking the cue ball… over and over again.


COME ON now, those were MONEY.:-x

Man, I used to keep it so real...

Nick Hale
07-19-2006, 11:09 AM
I have this feeling that this thread is going to start to take on almost an AA feel soon.

Joe Henderson
07-19-2006, 11:10 AM
American Gladiators never was, nor never shall be, shameful. Love live Gemini!

Vonn Hennigar
07-19-2006, 11:10 AM
I'm sad to admit that aside from the 8 ball jacket i wore all those fashion disasters back then.

Huge Jeans Check
Silk Shirts Check
Overalls sigh Check
Tie-Die T-Shirts Yup

I even wore those Circle John Lennonesque Granny Sunglasses when those were cool for 10 minutes back in the day. Same goes for the Nirvana rip-off look.

That's the problem with kids today they all look totally normal for the most part and non-embarressing to their future selves.

Fourthman
07-19-2006, 11:11 AM
Flat top afros. Maybe someday I'll post my drivers license pic from '91.

Jastermereel
07-19-2006, 11:12 AM
No love/hate for pogs in that list?

YouStayClassy
07-19-2006, 11:13 AM
Flat top afros. Maybe someday I'll post my drivers license pic from '91.

I refuse to feel bad about mine. Kid 'n Play couldn't have been any cooler when I was younger.

Raphael J
07-19-2006, 11:15 AM
Limp Bizkit?

Fourthman
07-19-2006, 11:15 AM
I refuse to feel bad about mine. Kid 'n Play couldn't have been any cooler when I was younger.
To be fair, you're in South Dakota. They're not due to fall out of style there until 2012. That's when the Arsenio re-runs stop airing locally.

YouStayClassy
07-19-2006, 11:17 AM
To be fair, you're in South Dakota. They're not due to fall out of style there until 2012. That's when the Arsenio re-runs stop airing locally.

Oh, I wasn't in South Dakota at the time. And for the flattop to still be in style, there'd actually have to be black people here.

DAVE
07-19-2006, 11:17 AM
How about Pogs and Tomagachis (no idea how that spelled..they were like digipets)?

DAVE
07-19-2006, 11:18 AM
Oh and how that one really weird trend from the 90's: collecting comics?

YouStayClassy
07-19-2006, 11:20 AM
Oh and how that one really weird trend from the 90's: collecting comics?

Hey! Those 30 copies of Youngblood #1 are going to put my daughter through college!

DAVE
07-19-2006, 11:21 AM
Hey! Those 30 copies of Youngblood #1 are going to put my daughter through college!
Ha! Everyone knows Death of Superman and all 15 X-Men #1 covers is were the money's at!

RickLM
07-19-2006, 11:23 AM
Before Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes, we had Tom Arnold-Roseanne Barr. A horrible time for America.

Seriously, the 90s were actually a good time for music (especially the Seattle scene) and sitcoms were magnificent (Thursday nights on NBC were golden). some very good SNL years. And we had MST3K around to comment on all of it.

Vonn Hennigar
07-19-2006, 11:23 AM
Ha! Everyone knows Death of Superman and all 15 X-Men #1 covers is were the money's at!

Bullshit!

My X-Cutioner's Song Crossover complete with Polybagged Trading Cards is my ticket to the penthouse.

YouStayClassy
07-19-2006, 11:28 AM
Ha! Everyone knows Death of Superman and all 15 X-Men #1 covers is were the money's at!

DAMMIT!

Why didn't I listen to my investment portfolio advisor when he was telling me Superman 75?!

Shev
07-19-2006, 11:31 AM
Aaaah I remember the hypercolour t-shirts fondly. I thought they were the coolest things ever...but then again, I was like ten years old at the time. Do they still makes these and is there anyway to get them today?

Fourthman
07-19-2006, 11:42 AM
Aaaah I remember the hypercolour t-shirts fondly. I thought they were the coolest things ever...but then again, I was like ten years old at the time. Do they still makes these and is there anyway to get them today?
http://www.novelty-t-shirts.net/t-shirts/Global-Hypercolor-T-Shirts/Global-Hypercolor-T-Shirt/115.htm

RebootedCorpse
07-19-2006, 11:43 AM
underwear sticking out of baggy-ass pants.

DAVE
07-19-2006, 11:45 AM
DAMMIT!

Why didn't I listen to my investment portfolio advisor when he was telling me Superman 75?!
Duh, you gotta diversify. You can't invest solely in Image.

YouStayClassy
07-19-2006, 12:15 PM
Duh, you gotta diversify. You can't invest solely in Image.

I was ASSURED Brigade would have a 3,000 percent payoff in the first 5 months ALONE! Who wouldn't have gone for such a sure thing...??

FredC
07-19-2006, 01:03 PM
Only trends I ever bought into were POG's and Ninja Turtles (which I don't regret).

monkeyboy
07-19-2006, 04:41 PM
CROSS COLORS JEANS AND AFRICAN MEDALLIONS

YouStayClassy
07-19-2006, 04:45 PM
CROSS COLORS JEANS AND AFRICAN MEDALLIONS

Cross Colors were the SHIZNITE. :cool:

Captain Sensation
07-19-2006, 04:55 PM
interesting how the macarena was left off the dance part.

Queen of the Ban Age
07-19-2006, 05:10 PM
WTF? Half of that stuff was 80s. Who shot JR? That was 1980, for fuck's sake.

who cares?
07-19-2006, 05:14 PM
i love it how in 10 years time, there'll be a thread like this ridiculing and saying "what were we thinking back then" about today's trends, and then ten years after that, and so on and so on....

monkeyboy
07-19-2006, 05:18 PM
Cross Colors were the SHIZNITE. :cool:
Ya damn skippy they were. That was back when Latifah was Queen! And she was a gangsta!!!

Vonn Hennigar
07-19-2006, 05:18 PM
WTF? Half of that stuff was 80s. Who shot JR? That was 1980, for fuck's sake.

That's why i added the What The Fuck Is This Doing On The List Part right after that.

Queen of the Ban Age
07-19-2006, 05:20 PM
That's why i added the What The Fuck Is This Doing On The List Part right after that.

Didn't realize that was your two cents. :)

Also, Hypercolor? Really? I remember that from grade school and I graduated in 1992. :?

monkeyboy
07-19-2006, 05:40 PM
Anybody else remember that useless "robot" for the NES system? i think it was called Gyrobot, or something like that and you could only use it on one game?

Vonn Hennigar
07-19-2006, 05:42 PM
Anybody else remember that useless "robot" for the NES system? i think it was called Gyrobot, or something like that and you could only use it on one game?

Yes...but that was the 80's.

Masculine Todd
07-19-2006, 05:42 PM
How about being an 8 year old BOY and having a stash of Sailor Moon barbies. Early "homo alert".

V.R. Troopers. Shameless ripoff of Power Rangers yet I dug it.

kari
07-19-2006, 05:43 PM
you know what. You know you're getting old when you live through trends twice!
Bell bottom jeans-"wide leg jeans"

ripped up jeans

Leggings

leg warmers (recently saw them in a store)

and all those goddamn 80's toys and shirts!

Vonn Hennigar
07-19-2006, 05:46 PM
you know what. You know you're getting old when you live through trends twice!
Bell bottom jeans-"wide leg jeans"

ripped up jeans

Leggings

leg warmers (recently saw them in a store)

and all those goddamn 80's toys and shirts!

Isn't it past your bedtime?;)

Masculine Todd
07-19-2006, 05:46 PM
ripped up jeans



Actually, more than twice. Ripped jeans have been cool in the 70's, made a comeback in the 80's, became huge in 90's grunge era, and are now emo fabulous once more.

stevapalooza
07-19-2006, 09:50 PM
I'll admit I bought into the colorful shirts fad. I had a bunch of them, including one with a hideous jungle print, and another one that was pumpkin orange with black pin stripes. As laughable as they are now at the time I used to get complements on them. And chicks loved them! Sad.

Humphrey_Lee
07-19-2006, 09:53 PM
I don't remember any of this stuff. I assume that means the alcohol is working.

stevapalooza
07-19-2006, 09:54 PM
I don't remember any of this stuff. I assume that means the alcohol is working.


Liar. I have a picture of you wearing MC hammer pants and a big-ass Africa medallion.

Jumbopimp
07-19-2006, 10:03 PM
I love how the list incorporates things from the 80s as well. It's like reading a middle school history report over the 60s that talks about WWII.

Humphrey_Lee
07-19-2006, 10:04 PM
Liar. I have a picture of you wearing MC hammer pants and a big-ass Africa medallion.

I didn't say I didn't do these things, I'm just saying I don't remember any of it. I have a hypnotist friend of mine named Jack Daniel's that helps me with these things...

chris page
07-19-2006, 11:15 PM
i'm just glad to see all the emo kids walking around, so that i can think how they'll look back in 5-10 years (those that are still alive) and be like, "what the fuck?"

Frozen Sooner
07-19-2006, 11:36 PM
I'm sad to admit that aside from the 8 ball jacket i wore all those fashion disasters back then.

Huge Jeans Check
Silk Shirts Check
Overalls sigh Check
Tie-Die T-Shirts Yup

I even wore those Circle John Lennonesque Granny Sunglasses when those were cool for 10 minutes back in the day. Same goes for the Nirvana rip-off look.

That's the problem with kids today they all look totally normal for the most part and non-embarressing to their future selves.

You and me both. Everything you said. :(

kari
07-20-2006, 03:07 AM
Isn't it past your bedtime?;)
yes...yes it was...after I posted I ran off and drank my metamucil and rubbed myself down with aspracreme then stuffed tissues in the arm of my sweater (so I wouldn't loose them of course ;) )then went off to bed. :lol:

mario
07-20-2006, 03:19 AM
this list isn't complete without Dwayne Wayne glasses!! (which i owned)
http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0009HBPEO.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg