View Full Version : Going to see Patton Oswalt tonight!

Tim Simmons
11-27-2005, 12:38 PM
Should be a great show...and in honor of it, here's a 'lil Patton bit:
(from his site: www.pattonoswalt.com (www.pattonoswalt.com))

The Marvel Wha…Huh? Story You’ll Never See
Fruit Pies!

A note on the art, Jim: If you can, try to replicate that dashed-out-in-an-afternoon, generic artwork you used to see in the Hostess Fruit Pies ads. Or, if you don't feel like it, draw the way you draw, since I'm a big fan.

[*Note to pattonoswalt.com readers: “"Jim" is Jim Mahfood, a terrific comic artist and writer. Why not visit his website – www.40ozcomics.com (www.40ozcomics.com) — and press a lot of buttons?]

Also, this is a six-panel page, each the same size as one another, two wide, three high. Like in those old, one-page Hostess Fruit Pies ads.

The joke I'm going for here is this: this is an inappropriately violent and grim Punisher 2-page comic, where The Punisher foils the crime by using Hostess Fruit Pies. Think of this as the last comic strip the Hostess company would want selling their pastries.

There are no v.o.'s in these Hostess ads. For visual reference, visit the exemplary www.seanbaby.com (www.seanbaby.com), a humor site with a massive Hostess Fruit Pie archive page. Wow! Wait ‘'til you read the Daredevil section.

Shall we begin?

Page One


A MASKED MANIAC, The HOOKER HACKER, screaming in rage.

The Hooker Hacker: I've sliced and diced twenty hookers and I'll blast my way through you to kill twenty more! All women are pipe-rats who should die!

The Hooker Hacker wears a cheesy costume – sweat pants and a T-shirt with “"HH"”on it. He also holds a smoking shotgun. A bound PROSTITUTE hangs by her rope-tied hands from a bare bulb in the ceiling. He's barricaded in a cheap, Skid Row, hourly-rate hotel room.


THE PUNISHER, shot, stabbed, burned and bleeding, stands in the hall outside. He's looking through his dwindling arsenal …

The Punisher: I've finally managed to corner The Hooker Hacker, and all I've got left is a garrote! And it's all sticky with pimp-blood!


The Punisher frowns at his garrote, which he holds in a bloody palm.

The Punisher: He's fortified his cheap sex and torture den with lead-lined walls and a duralloy-hinged door that took every shotgun shell I had. Why didn't I turn his brains into wet, grey mist down on the street when I had the chance?


On the night street, The Hooker Hacker is tossing aside a mutilated corpse. In one hand he holds her blood-drenched heart. The Punisher is running up, with a shotgun.

The Hooker Hacker: Her eyelids will make tasty soup! I love Satan!

The Punisher: I'm going to blow your belly out your back!


The Hooker Hacker throws her heart at The Punisher. It jams in his shotgun barrel.

The Hooker Hacker: Have a heart, Punisher! Get it? ‘'Cause I'm throwing her freshly torn-out heart at you!

The Punisher: Her bloody entrails have jammed the barrel of my street-sweeper!


The Hooker Hacker bolts back into the hotel.

The Punisher: I'm going to go out of my way to wound you so I can kill you slowly over the course of a couple of days! And I'm going to urinate on you after you're dead!

Page Two

3 panels. Two across, then a third, big one (the splash, advertising page)


The Punisher takes out two Pink Pants™ Fruit Pies from his shoulder bag.

The Punisher: Losing blood from where that transvestite crack addict stabbed me this afternoon. Only one chance…


The Punisher tosses the two fruit pies under the door.

The Punisher: Even women-hating thrill killers can't resist the fluffy crust, sugary glaze and tangy filling of a Pink Pants ™ Fruit Pie.


The Hooker Hacker is digging into the fruit pies. In the background, The Punisher bursts through the door, garrote ready. The Trussed-Up Hooker smiles happily.

The Hooker Hacker: Skinning that tramp will have to wait. At least until I mutilate these delicious Pink Pants™ Fruit Pies…with my mouth!

The Punisher: I'm going to cauterize your rectum, sealing it shut, so when you turn those delicious Pink Pants ™ Fruit Pies into waste products the bilirubin in your feces will leach into your bloodstream and you'll die screaming! And I'll watch while having sex with this grateful prostitute!

Trussed-Up Hooker: Blueberry are my favorite!

TITLE: What If…Villains Could Really Be Swayed By Delicious Fruit Pies?

(Jim: You'll design a festive, G-rated logo for Pink Pants ™ Fruit Pies, as well as sunny, consumer-friendly packaging, wontcha?)

12-04-2005, 03:19 PM
I saw this in the process of looking for something else, but I'm curious how it went.

12-04-2005, 07:02 PM
Patton's one of the funniest people in comedy today. I absolutely love the guy.

I love his take on Bob Ross.

12-04-2005, 07:04 PM
I am jealous of you. I bet he never comes to Iowa.