PDA

View Full Version : The final buzzline!



Gail Simone
07-30-2010, 05:06 PM
WAR IS OVER!

--Geeks Declared Winners of Everything—

THE INTERNET

A bunch of snot-nosed, ungrateful nerds were found complaining today over their alleged poor treatment from society, aggravating a group of slightly older comics dorks.

“These kids today, it’s like they got NO IDEAR what we went through in the early 2000’s,” said IHEARTGHOSTRIDER, on the demi-popular website, METAMORPHOISADICK.COM. “They have GOOD movies like Iron Man and Dark Knight Returns…we had CATWOMAN for Christ’s sake!”

To which GOWESTCOASTAVENGERS totally added, like, “I KNOW! And with games, they get Marvel Ultimate Alliance and Mortal Combat vs. DC Universe, and we had to play AQUAMAN. With our FEET! On a Nintendo FLINTLOCK 64! You could only play for ten minutes before it EXPLODED in your FACE!”

The younger group of ingrate punks responded to these complaints with howls of virtual derision, no doubt from their extra-comfy barc-o-loungers, paid for with daddy’s hard-earned cash. “Hey, gramps, we have it rough, too! Nowadays, we have to go all the way to the local BORDERS to get our huge selection of quality graphic novels from all over the world,” complained whiny teen CaptainAnus. “ And those Amazon.com order forms that deliver comics to our front doors within hours aren’t going to fill themselves out, you know!”

“Feh, FIE on your Abalone Dot Kong!,” retorted IHEARTGHOSTRIDER, becoming a strangely cartoonish angry senior stereotype. “When I was a kid, there was only one comic store in the entire world, and it was in the middle of a live volcano, AND they only carried JUGHEAD’S YUK-YUK FUNTIME HA-HA-HAMBURGER DINER SUMMER SILLY SPECIAL!”

“But, but…it’s still rough,” responded the sniveling twit CaptainAnus, who, I swear, I’d just like to punch right in the snivel bone, “I was reading a copy of the critically acclaimed ‘Persepolis,’ which I’d borrowed at no charge from our local library’s extensive graphic novel section, on the bus and almost lost my bookmark!”

To which GOWESTCOASTAVENGERS replied, quite rightly, this reporter felt, “In MY day, Sunny Jim, if I was caught reading a COMIC BOOK in PUBLIC, the local thugs would SPORK my EYEBALLS OUT and RAPE MY CRANIUM and fill my INTESTINAL TRACT with PORK SAUSAGE and the latest edition of NOW, THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC! You bitch about the 100 million dollar Hulk movie ‘not being authentic enough,’ and WE used to wait ALL WEEK to watch SUPERFRIENDS, god dammit. I mean, SUPERFRIENDS! I mean, do you know what it’s like trying to masturbate to THAT? ”

“And then the article would continue like that,” said this reporter. “I think you get the idea,” she went on to say.

Gail Simone
07-30-2010, 05:08 PM
‘WARREN ELLIS NOT REALLY BRITISH!’ ACCUSES FAN

--‘He Said That I Shoulda Ourghta Be Covered In ‘Grampa-Gravy,’ Says Disgruntled Former Asskisser--

THE OZARK MOUNTAINS

The entire field of vaguely popular comic books about drug-addicted bald rebels who hate super-heroes and have lots of sex was rocked today by the accusation, made by lifelong fan Stewart ‘Cooter’ McGee, that critically beloved megastar writer WARREN ELLIS was in fact, not actually British at all.

“I started my s’pozin’s a few weeks ago when I was a’readin’ Warren Ellis (he’s my fav’rite writer on accounta I like the way he puts them big words around) on whatever he’s a’callin’ his website thisadays. He said, an’ this is a quote, “Get all of thee to the nearest available Hell carved out for cross-eyed molesto-drones like yourselves, as the very sight offends my attractive eyeballs. Also, I like possum. Wait, did I say possum? I meant possum STEW. No, wait, not possum at all. I like CIGARETTE stew. Or, as we Brits would call it, I’m a Brit, you see, FAG stew. Yes, I love to eat fag stew. Whew! Close one!”

Cooter continues, “So’s I commence to readin’ and it turns out they don’t even EAT no possum stew over there in the United Kingdom or whatever it’s called. So I ask him, right thar on his message board an’ all, “Hey, Mister Ellis. Did you just say you like to eat possum? Are you SURE you’re British, consarn it?”

“And I get this message back, and I swear I heard him perspirin’…”What? Don’t be absurd. I am of course that most rare thing, a half-drunken British man in a pub. Shut up. Leave me be. I hope your father’s corpse is, er, raped or something. Something to do with the butt. BUM! I hope something happens in his bum. OH! With chutney. We love chutney here, that is to say in England, so, yes, definitely, chutney in the dad corpse bum.”

“So, I was thinking that didn’t sound very British, right? So I axed where did he what parta England did he come from, right? And he says…”

“Oh, one of the really England-y parts. Maybe Englandville or Shakespeareton. Churchill was from England, right? Maybe I was from Churchill City. Oh, hang on—I’m from where the Beatles came from. Fab Gear! Dead Grotty! It’s totally British there, not part of the United States at all and I’m definitely not your cousin Orville from four miles away who used to work up to the fillin’ station, nossir, that ain’t me, Cooter. Anyway, as I was sayin’, my next superhero project, and by that I mean they’re wearin’ pervert biballs, is called ‘THE LAST X-MAN OR SPIDER-MAN STORY OR SOMETHING WITH MUTANT HOOKERS EVEN IF IT’S A CAPTAIN AMERICA BOOK’, and it’s really…”

“And that’s when I realized, ‘Hey! Warren Ellis is really my cousin Orville who lives four miles away an’ used ta work up to the fillin’ station!’, said ‘Cooter,’ who then sat back down on his Styrofoam beer cooler. ‘Man, that explains all the incest in his comics, goldurn it!”

“Bangers and Math! Breast of British! Filth and Chips! Revisionism!,” cried an increasingly desperate Ellis, before eating a huge thing of fag stew.

Gail Simone
07-30-2010, 05:11 PM
COMIC CREATORS BAFFLED, CONFUSED BY MORE ROBERT KIRKMAN VIDEOS

--He Does Those Zombie Books—

THE WORLD

Mega-popular and talented comics writer ROBERT (THE WALKING DEAD) KIRKMAN surprised the entire comic book industry recently with his provocative self-made banjo-soundtracked video clip, aimed at convincing big name writers to consider abandoning their well-paid Marvel and DC work for the somewhat riskier waters of the creator-owned end of comics. The clip is simply titled, “MISSION STATEMENT,” and has created some controversy among writers.

The clip shows a somber Kirkman, who claims to have been asked several times why he left top-selling titles like “ANT MAN OR SOMETHING,” and “MARVEL TWO GUYS,” for the dicey and terrifyingly dangerous waters of two books that have already been selling well for years. Kirkman responds, bravely braving his braveness, “I did it to save the entire comic book industry.”

Many in the comic book industry, including long-time Kirkman supporter Brian Bendis, have taken the video to task for being unrealistic in its summation of the risks of working exclusively on creator-owned titles in a difficult market. But apparently, this was only a first step for the talented maverick-y bold boldsmith.

“So I was about to take a shower, “ explains mega-popular writer Geoff Johns, “and I hear this creepy banjo music on my computer. And I’m thinking, did someone send me a YOUTUBE clip of Deliverance? But then I saw that furry guy in front of a greenscreen and I knew it was a thousand billion million trillion dozen gillion times worse. Only times a ka-fillion.”

“Look, I know you’ve showered the same way for a long time,” says Kirkman, manfully fighting back tears of genuine genuininity. “But I’m here to save the entire showering world. Yes, you’ve used Prell since you were a teen. But what happens is, the Prell fan boy becomes the fan man becomes the old man becomes the dead man. All because of Prell. You should definitely use Guava Papaya Sily Cream Rinse for Men. It’s like four dollars a jug at the Piggly Wiggly. It’s proven that people who scrub their grubby stuff with a loofah can make a decent living. You want to use Irish Spring? Hell, we all dream of washing with Irish Spring. The problem is, the Irish Spring we all loved as kids doesn’t exist anymore. You should use an S.O.S. pad and hand lotion. Sure, it’s scary at first, but I personally get a damn fine scrub and a tingly cleanliness that lasts and lasts, long after the bleeding stops for the most part.”

But Johns wasn’t the only recipient of a Kirkman video. Industry gadfly MARK WAID continues, “So I was about to make some spaghetti, right? I like a nice plate of spaghetti, and I’ve been making it for years—I sorta think I know what I’m doing. And suddenly, the theme from Deliverance comes on my laptop, and there’s Robert Kirkman, pleading with me. He had this sincere look on his face…I frankly lost my appetite.”

“So you’re going to make pasta, right? Is that it?” said Kirkman on his new clip. “I been there, brother. I know what it’s like. As a kid, you dream that you can grow up to make a bowl of pasta. But then you get there, and you make your pasta, and you know what? No one cares. And it tastes like defeat and battery acid. That’s the Bendis path. I thought I was on the Bendis path, too. But guess what? They have this thing called ramen. It’s like a dollar for a hundred. And you put catsup on it. There. Pasta. Also, we’re doing great with pasta right now. There’s Olive Garden, there’s Pizza Hut, they have pasta now. But you can make your own, I call it Noodle-yum, and if we all abandoned real pasta for Noodle-yum, then you know, Olive Garden will still be number one, and will sell more, and I just want my grandkids to be able to still eat Noodle-yum, assuming I ever mate.”

It was even worse for pancake enthusiast and writer of HOURMAN, Tom Peyer. “So, I was about to make love to my wife, when I started to realize this piece’s premise is getting a bit thin. I mean, I don’t even HAVE a wife, so that’s one weird thing right there. But to continue with the comedy ‘rule of three,’ I was interrupted in my getting of jiggy by this freakish banjo music coming from my office PC…”

“You can’t put your feet on both sides of the fence,” said the metaphor-wielding Kirkman on his most bizarre clip to date. “If you’re having sex with your wife and also writing Spider-Man, the fans are going to buy Spider-man, as sex with your wife isn’t currently available for purchase. There’s no reason why you can’t write about zombies and have sex with your wife, and if that sounds a little goofy or arrogant, so be it. Also, put your elbow like THIS and stick your KNEE right here, and make a rooting sound like a trufflehound. I’m told chicks love it. And make sure your wife is creator-owned. She may sell very little, but she can still be a nice little earner if you believe in her enough and are a partner at Image.”

“Finally, don’t forget to buy my upcoming Killraven series with Rob Liefeld,” added the courageous Robrave Kirkmanly.

Gail Simone
07-30-2010, 05:14 PM
NEW IN BRIEF

FOUR-TIME EMMY WINNING CARTOONIST APOLOGIZES TO COMICS INDUSTRY

--“It’s not my fault, I didn’t know she was nuts,” says Scott Shaw!, tearfully through his Crunchberries—


WIZARD MAGAZINE CONSIGNED TO PAINFUL ETERNAL DAMNATION BY SATAN

--Mostly for pogs, partly for Valiant--


FORMER DISCO SENSATION DAZZLER TO GUEST-JUDGE ‘AMERICAN IDOL’

--“I’m never going to get another comic, am I?” says dumbest idea ever—


NEW IMPRINT IS FORMED AIMED AT FEMALE READERSHIP

--Is cancelled—


FINAL ISSUE OF GRANT MORRISON COMIC TO COME OUT

--Why is everybody laughing?--


SPIDEY FROM ‘ELECTRIC COMPANY’ JOBLESS SINCE 1977

--Offering ‘web-jobs’ for crystal meth in park, cruelly abandoned by former pal Easy Reader--


ALLEGED ‘WRITER’ MAINLY INTERESTED IN CATMAN PENIS

--“That’s a filthy lie!” opines Gail Simone. “Oh, wait, did you say, ‘Catman penis?’ I thought you said ‘ Catman Venus.’ Well, that’s completely Catman penis! Catman Penis, Penis Penis Penis’”--


COMICS JOURNAL NOW UNABLE TO PROVE EVEN HYPOTHETICAL READERSHIP

--“Remember when people cared enough to sue us? Sigh!” say plucky crypto-zoological editors of almost certainly non-existent magazine—


AMANDA CONNER

--Is filthy—


MARVEL ANNOUNCES THIRD CROSSOVER THIS YEAR

--“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, we hate you all so much!” says Marvel—


‘LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES’ FANS VOTED MOST POSSESSIVE

--Third consecutive writer found murdered over slight change in Dream Girl’s costume—


ENTIRE RUN OF AMAZONS ATTACK AVAILABLE ON E-BAY

--Why?--


GARTH ENNIS RUNS OUT OF HORRIBLE THINGS TO DO TO RECTUMS

--No, wait, it turns out he was just taking a breather—

JasonWGBB007
07-30-2010, 05:18 PM
you are lots of fun :D

Superior Kiai
07-30-2010, 05:21 PM
‘WARREN ELLIS NOT REALLY BRITISH!’ ACCUSES FAN

I knew it!!!!!! :-x

JohnBehling
07-30-2010, 05:23 PM
You're funny, Ms. Gail

John

Paploo
07-30-2010, 07:25 PM
Pogs did coincide with the mid 90's market slump. Clearly, we've found who to blame. This is hilarious stuf Gail :)

Also, yeah, the Crossovers seem nonstop. And yet, I keep buying....

Gail Simone
08-02-2010, 01:30 PM
You're funny, Ms. Gail

John

These are TRUE NEWS STORIES!

stealthwise
08-02-2010, 01:32 PM
I liked reading JUGHEAD’S YUK-YUK FUNTIME HA-HA-HAMBURGER DINER SUMMER SILLY SPECIAL...

CutterMike
08-02-2010, 01:42 PM
[B](...)
AMANDA CONNER

--Is filthy—

(...)Photos -- We demand PHOTOS, I say!

I've Got the Monkeys
08-02-2010, 03:49 PM
NEW IN BRIEF


GARTH ENNIS RUNS OUT OF HORRIBLE THINGS TO DO TO RECTUMS

--No, wait, it turns out he was just taking a breather—

The term rectum and the term breather should never be used that closely in conjunction.

also... more yabs books!

Dream
08-02-2010, 04:34 PM
CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN- GAY LOVERS?
Is the real reason behind CIVIL WAR a bad break-up?
http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm134/anotherstateofmind77/comic%20stuff/0007bwzb.jpg

DarkKnightJared
08-02-2010, 05:26 PM
CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN- GAY LOVERS?
Is the real reason behind CIVIL WAR a bad break-up?
http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm134/anotherstateofmind77/comic%20stuff/0007bwzb.jpg

Iron Man cheated on Cap with Spider-Man...that makes perfect sense, frighteningly enough.

Teal_Lantern
08-02-2010, 05:35 PM
I loved the Kirkman one.

Dream
08-02-2010, 07:32 PM
Iron Man cheated on Cap with Spider-Man...that makes perfect sense, frighteningly enough.

Weird how so much slash can make so much sense.