View Full Version : Self-help book for people who wish there actually was a zombie attack

Captain Bloodclot
04-02-2009, 09:27 PM
Thought about this and scribbled it out. Tell me what you think:

Make your OWN Zombie Attack – A self-help guide for terminal addicts of popular culture and anti-authoritarian douchebags


Those of you who purchased this book because you identified with the title will readily admit that a zombie attack would be the best thing ever, although you would most likely qualify that admission by stating that you would prefer the zombie attack to manifest itself in a manner consistent with Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, as opposed to the 200_ remake of the same film by Zack Snyder. Well, I don’t want them fast either. But the fact that we must acknowledge is that, despite our dearest wishes, zombies will never attack the world.

I suppose that we want a massive Romero-style zombie attack to occur because, in the event of such an attack, our importance in the world would be strictly defined by our ability to shoot, bludgeon, decapitate, or otherwise destroy the heads of shambling, filthy smelling re-animated corpses that lack the ability to argue that they did not deserve such treatment.

For some reason, we do not like the idea that our importance within the status quo is defined by our ability to maintain a job, marry, and have children.

The more discerning among you will realize that the passive voice was used in the previous sentence (as it was in this one). This is undoubtedly because your author has realized that using the active voice would require him to admit that an amorphous, undefined agent, such as “society” or “culture,” was performing the action of defining what is important in life. To those of us who have matured, it is embarrassing to identify agents of oppression so amorphously, and that is the only reason why we don’t do it, except when we are suggesting that capitalism is ridiculous because its sole raison d’etre is the fact that “the guy who grows fucking apples won’t trust me to write a fucking book that he would like to read, the cunt.”

This book can’t teach you how to make that cunt grow apples, but my hope is that it will teach you how to make your own (metaphorical) zombie attack.

And what do I mean by that?

At its most fundamental level, the zombie attack fantasy involves a desire to be tested. It involves a desire to determine whether, if a human being is left entirely to his or her own resources, he or she can survive.

The people for whom this book was written would say that they do not answer to that description. They would say that there is also an ancillary, and “dark,” aspect to the zombie fantasy that involves a desire to be left alone and a conviction that oneself is one’s own best company.

This book is dedicated to the proposition that “being left alone as a test of survival” and “being left alone to do one’s own thing” are one and the same proposition.

Here we go.