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View Full Version : Office Bathroom Horror Story - Shirtless John



Bradford
07-01-2008, 12:15 PM
Saw this today over here (http://www.executivebored.com/smokebreak/2008/07/office-bathroom-horror-story). It's too funny not to share. Anyone who's ever had to share a men's room with a lot of guys at work will know just how awkward this sounds.


"One of the perks of being a powerful individual is the privilege of having your own office bathroom. I can avoid having to do my business with the common man. However, I too experienced the horrors of having to share a men's bathroom with only 3 stalls for the 60 men on the floor and having men constantly violate the "one-stall buffer rule." Let me share a story:

Back in the day, we had a male administrative assistant (yes, a man secretary--I wasn't in charge of hiring at this point) on our floor that I'll simply just call "John." John was about 40 years old and still rocked the same mullet that he did back be when he graduated from Effingham High School (home of the "Flaming Hearts") back in 1984 (see yearbook photo above). Not only did John sport the same haircut as he did when he graduated high school, he still proudly wore his high school letter jacket around the office during the winter. John was a real "winner" in high school, as evidenced by the patches up and down both sleeves of his letter jacket for the various titles won by the Effingham High Marching Band (I didn't even know you could letter in marching band). John's duties around the floor included fetching coffee for employees, filling the water cooler, and answering the phone--pretty standard for a secretary. The one duty John took the most pride in however was his role as the floor's fire marshal and being able to send out e-mails like this to people on the floor:

Team,
Excellent job today on the fire drill. Our goal is to have all employees off our floor in 6:00 minutes. We achieved a new record time today of evacuating all employees of our floor in 6.5 minutes. I want to commend you all for your hard work.
John, Floor Fire Marshall

Are you freaking kidding me? 6 minutes to get off our floor? If the goal was 6 minutes to escape our floor (not the building) during a fire, we were all going to die (the building is 44 floors and the first 15 floors are unused office space).

Anyways, one day I'm heading into the bathroom to take care of business. Everything seemed to be fine (I was the only one occupying one of the three stalls, on the end of course). In walks somebody who plops down in the stall right next to me, thus violating the one-stall buffer rule--I was pretty upset and almost said something--but that would've violated the no-talking rule. What happened next appalled me even more. The rule violator draped his shirt over the stall door, and proceeded to make some loud noises that I won't describe. I was wondering to myself if George Constanza had come to my floor? I took notice of the shirt color (white) and got the hell out of there. However, it was impossible to identify the man who took off his shirt since there were about 25 guys wearing white shirts that day.

I shared my discovery with some co-workers who were astonished that somebody would remove his shirt while dropping one--maybe alright in the comfort of one's home (or private office bathroom), but certainly not in the common floor bathroom. Determined to get to the bottom of this, there were 3 more sightings by us of the shirtless crapper who made loud noises, but still no identification. Eventually, while washing my hands one day, I noticed a shirt and slacks (navy shirt, khaki pants) being draped over the stall door, and the noises began again. The shirtless crapper was taking things to a whole new level. I left the bathroom, but now had a good lead--shirt and pants colors.

Later in the day, I took a stroll around the floor to identify the man wearing this color combination, when I identified the shirtless, and now pantless, crapper: John the Male Secretary/Floor Fire Marshall--Shirtless John. A dead give away that it was definitely him that was removing his shirt and pants whenever occupying a stall happened a few weeks later: a co-worker saw his pants, slacks, and an Effingham High Flaming Hearts letter jacket draped over the stall door.

Shirtless John eventually left the company, but I am not sure where he went (probably to go be a professional fire marshall somewhere--I hope that building never catches fire--they're screwed). There were still people who violated bathroom etiquette on the floor, but none as bad as Shirtless John: Office Fire Marshall.

Anybody else have any egregious violations of bathroom etiquette to share?"

The pic over on the site sells it pretty well, too.

http://www.executivebored.com/smokebreak/2008/07/office-bathroom-horror-story

thatguyfromsyracuse
07-01-2008, 12:26 PM
While the taking off the shirt part is weird, I don't really get that freaked out if somebody uses the stall next to me. If they start tapping their foot and reaching under or peaking their head over the top or under the bottom of the wall, that would give me the willies. That guy kind of sounds like a douchebag.

Bradford
07-01-2008, 12:30 PM
I dunno man. When there's two open stalls and a guy takes the one next to me. I confess it ticks me off a bit.

Generic Poster
07-01-2008, 12:36 PM
In a 3-stall bathroom, usually one of the end ones is a handicapped stall. Some people feel these are like handicapped parking spaces, and should never be used by the able-bodied.

Kingsumo
07-01-2008, 12:36 PM
Ok, that was a rather amusing story. And who the hell strips to use a public stall?

The Human Target
07-01-2008, 12:36 PM
If given the option, I poo naked.

ClintP
07-01-2008, 12:41 PM
In a 3-stall bathroom, usually one of the end ones is a handicapped stall. Some people feel these are like handicapped parking spaces, and should never be used by the able-bodied.

Nothing like using a stall where your knees don't touch the door and your elbows don't touch the sides!

Jef UK
07-01-2008, 12:42 PM
One-stall buffer rule? What a pussy. It's shitting. Wah.

ClintP
07-01-2008, 12:44 PM
One-stall buffer rule? What a pussy. It's shitting. Wah.

You won't make fun when I come to your office and start reaching under your stall trying to steal your wallet or throw moistened toilet paper at you.

Mr. E!
07-01-2008, 12:46 PM
One-stall buffer rule? What a pussy. It's shitting. Wah.

Yup. This guy needs to man up.

thatguyfromsyracuse
07-01-2008, 12:47 PM
One-stall buffer rule? What a pussy. It's shitting. Wah.

Thank you.

Although, I once walked into the bathroom in the mall, and it sounded like somebody was being murdered. Lots of grunting. It sounded like DMX was in the stall. "Nnnnnnn! NNNNNNNNN!! What? NNNNNNNN!!"

thatguyfromsyracuse
07-01-2008, 12:48 PM
You won't make fun when I come to your office and start reaching under your stall trying to steal your wallet or throw moistened toilet paper at you.

Is "steal your wallet" code for "give you a handjob"?

ClintP
07-01-2008, 12:48 PM
Is "steal your wallet" code for "give you a handjob"?

I'm not that flexible. Plus I am poor and need the cash.

thatguyfromsyracuse
07-01-2008, 12:50 PM
I'm not that flexible. Plus I am poor and need the cash.

:lol:

Ben
07-01-2008, 12:51 PM
That was pretty anti-climactic.

ClintP
07-01-2008, 12:53 PM
I once walked into a bathroom that reeked of shit. Turns out there was shit all over the stall walls and floor. It was bad... This was in a Cingular headquarters building.

Bradford
07-01-2008, 12:54 PM
How does stuff like that happen? I can't even fathom.

ClintP
07-01-2008, 12:55 PM
Also at the same Cingular building, a female coworker of mine always heard this buzzing noise that she suspected was a vibrator. We made a game out of trying to find this woman based on her shoes. We never did. :(

eroz
07-01-2008, 12:56 PM
Also at the same Cingular building, a female coworker of mine always heard this buzzing noise that she suspected was a vibrator. We made a game out of trying to find this woman based on her shoes. We never did. :(

Maybe it was a breast pump?

ClintP
07-01-2008, 12:56 PM
Maybe it was a breast pump?
That way less funny...

Bradford
07-01-2008, 12:58 PM
Thank you.

Although, I once walked into the bathroom in the mall, and it sounded like somebody was being murdered. Lots of grunting. It sounded like DMX was in the stall. "Nnnnnnn! NNNNNNNNN!! What? NNNNNNNN!!"

Comment of the day?

Skatonic10
07-01-2008, 01:01 PM
Ok, that was a rather amusing story. And who the hell strips to use a public stall?

I try to not even use public stalls, much less make as much skin to porcelin contact as possible.

ClintP
07-01-2008, 01:05 PM
I try to not even use public stalls, much less make as much skin to porcelin contact as possible.

For some reason I can only shit in the toilet up here at work. I don't like using ones at stores or other public places though.

What do you do when you REALLY have to go and the only stall you can find has piss all over it?

JoeE
07-01-2008, 01:10 PM
The story is BS...you can tell from the dramatic embellishments. The alleged "yearbook photo" can be found in several different places on the Internet, dating back to as early as 2004.

http://www.csdl.tamu.edu/~marshall/mc-semantic-web.html

Ben
07-01-2008, 03:37 PM
The story is BS...you can tell from the dramatic embellishments. The alleged "yearbook photo" can be found in several different places on the Internet, dating back to as early as 2004.

http://www.csdl.tamu.edu/~marshall/mc-semantic-web.html (http://www.csdl.tamu.edu/%7Emarshall/mc-semantic-web.html)Why would he make up such a boring story?

Kingsumo
07-01-2008, 03:41 PM
Why would he make up such a boring story?

Practice for a writing assignment?

Genius J
07-01-2008, 04:19 PM
The "one stall buffer rule" is idiotic. If the stall on the end has shit all over the seat, guess what, I'm going to take the stall in the middle even if it's next to you. Screw your precious buffer.

thatguyfromsyracuse
07-02-2008, 02:20 PM
Why would he make up such a boring story?

He probably thought it was incredibly amusing.