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View Full Version : Staying Single vs. Getting Married: Why?



HOOKS
05-03-2008, 06:44 PM
I was inspired by lonesomefool's money/happiness thread to go ahead and pose this question to y'all. And I noticed a few people say their desire for happiness/money would be different if they were single versus being married. And I have had many arguments with my friends over this topic, so I might as well argue with mostly complete strangers as well!

So here we go:

For those of you who are married, why did you choose to get married?

For those of you who are single (by choice), why do you choose to stay single?

As for me: I'm 27 and a relatively successful guy (personal income of six figures, business income of more than that) who really sees no point nor need to getting married. At least, not for a long time.

There are several reasons for that, key among them being that there is no benefit to me at this time to get married. I am in a healthy dating situation, I have plenty of companionship, and with my business the way it is and the growth that it's been seeing the last few years, I couldn't see stalling any of my endeavors. I have no desire to have kids (I do have a dog though), I travel a lot, and with the average human lifespan in the mid-70s, I still have a lot of life ahead of me. I absolutely love my life as it is and couldn't imagine circumstances changing it.

If I were married, I couldn't travel like I'd want to, I couldn't make certain business decisions without needing to consider her, and if kids were a factor, I'd have a lot less time to spend on business. It'd be a complete departure from my life as it is now.

And let's be frank - 50% of marriages end in divorce, with the finances getting split along various lines (not to mention The Drama), and that's not an investment I'd be willing to make. :lol:

And yes, I know the word "love" falls in there somewhere, but you can be in love with someone and have everything that comes with a loving, long-lasting relationship without needing a legal document to prove you're together.

But that's just me.

What about you?

adam_warlock_2099
05-03-2008, 06:48 PM
I always get my ass kicked on this subject because I am waaaaay old fashioned when it comes to love and marriage. If I love someone, marriage is my goal. I never dated any girl that I had no intentions of marrying. Which means I didn't date a lot.

I married my wife because I loved her. There was no other reason needed, for me. I am certainly not trying to sound superior to anyone else's choices in life. That is strickly me.

Children on the other hand are a different story. While I have my sons now, and would never give them up, I would have totally been happy being childless our whole marriage. While I think love and marriage go hand in hand, children and marriage don't always go hand in hand.

GelfXIII
05-03-2008, 06:52 PM
I'm only single technically. In most other states I'd be common-law, but there is no common law in VA. That being said the reason I'm not married is becasue I grew up in a divorced family and in a situation where most of my friends parents were divorced. Grown up I've watched many of my close friends get divorced, including all 3 of the marriages that I personally was best man at (I may be a curse, I dunno). Anyway, my personal opinion is that Marriages can ruin a perfectly good relationship, and if it aint broke, dont fix it.

amy
05-03-2008, 07:10 PM
I was married for five years. It was hell.

I've dated some really great guys that I would have loved to have stayed with longer but they decided that they wanted to be married. I did not. I still do not. I'm all for commitment with the right person but after being divorced 16 years I don't foresee myself ever getting married again. I can't say I will never change my mind but I doubt I will.

Dreaded Anomaly
05-03-2008, 07:10 PM
One correction: the divorce rate is not, and has never been, 50%. http://www.divorcereform.org/nyt05.html

As to the question, my response: the possibility of sex. I'll let you figure out to which option I'm referring! :lol:

adam_warlock_2099
05-03-2008, 07:18 PM
I was married for five years. It was hell.

I've dated some really great guys that I would have loved to have stayed with longer but they decided that they wanted to be married. I did not. I still do not. I'm all for commitment with the right person but after being divorced 16 years I don't foresee myself ever getting married again. I can't say I will never change my mind but I doubt I will.

So sorry to hear Ms Amy. I don't know the reason that it happened . . . well I'm just sorry. I always hurt a little bit when I hear divorce. I love my wife and hope it never comes to that with us. I mean it won't for me, I am really forgiving. But anyways . . . sorry.

RickLM
05-03-2008, 07:21 PM
I was married at 23, and I've been married for over 20 years. People get married in order to make a permanent commitment to each other. Today, our kids feel very secure, having two easy-going parents who are in love with each other. My own folks divorced but that was because of their choices and their own character issues, not because the institution of marriage itself is flawed. If you do it the right way, marriage can be the greatest experience of anyone's life.

divinus
05-03-2008, 07:33 PM
Single: pragmatically because I prefer/crave peace and quiet, and because I don't see what the fuck anyone would want in me, anyway.

Furthermore, relationships are built on trust, and mine's been dead since the late 90's.

amy
05-03-2008, 07:38 PM
So sorry to hear Ms Amy. I don't know the reason that it happened . . . well I'm just sorry. I always hurt a little bit when I hear divorce. I love my wife and hope it never comes to that with us. I mean it won't for me, I am really forgiving. But anyways . . . sorry.

Thanks. I am a stronger person for it so something good came of it. :)

Gunter
05-03-2008, 07:39 PM
I was married for a little over 20 years.

I've been single now for 3.

I enjoyed being married...most of the time. And there are times that I miss it. I get terrible lonely, especially on the weekend, when I'm not working. But I don't want to be with just anyone to end the loneliness.

I find myself either being too picky about the women I date, too lazy to put a lot of work into a relationship now, and then I think that even though I do get lonely, being single is just where I'm supposed to be right now.

Don't know if I'll ever get married again. At this moment I don't know if I'll ever even have a serious relationship with anyone ever again.

c. page
05-03-2008, 07:41 PM
i am incredibly picky when it comes to relationships, moreso if marriage is a possibility.

that said, for the most part, i'm happy to not be married. i'm not ruling marriage out, but it would have to be the right person, and the odds of finding that person are pretty rare.

amy
05-03-2008, 07:44 PM
i am incredibly picky when it comes to relationships, moreso if marriage is a possibility.

that said, for the most part, i'm happy to not be married. i'm not ruling marriage out, but it would have to be the right person, and the odds of finding that person are pretty rare.


you need to move down here and we could be not married hanging out buddies.

c. page
05-03-2008, 07:46 PM
you need to move down here and we could be not married hanging out buddies.

conversely, you could move up here, and we could do the same. i don't think i'll ever end up leaving the west coast, unless it's to live in new york or possibly somewhere in florida.

Rantz
05-03-2008, 07:48 PM
Coming from a very dysfunctional family where my dad was an abusive nutjob and the house was frequently filled with screaming (on my dad's part) until my folks got divorced when I was in high school, i swore I would NEVER get married, and I sure as fUCK would never have kids!

I've been married almost 12 years now, and have four daughters, ages 10, 8 and the 6 year old twins.

I married my wife because I knew that I never wanted to spend a day in my life without her. Simple as that. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her, and even though (like all marriages) there are times we drive each other bonkers, I can honestly say I don't want to be married to anyone else, and that I still think she is the love of my life.

I think it either happens, or it doesn't, depending on the two people involved... but if *I* got married (no one in my high school or college crowd can believe it or the kids) then ANYONE can.

lonesomefool
05-03-2008, 07:48 PM
Wow, I'm inspiring threads now ;)

I choose to remain single, because I think you need to have your shit together and your head on straight to me in a marriage. If you dont have those two, you shouldnt bother. The simple fact is that I'm really fucked up in the head. In the last year, I have been laid off from two high paying, good jobs. Since then I have become really bitter and angry. Bitter towards life, this country, God, everything.

I expect a lot out of myself, some people have really low expectations for themselves. I choose to stay single, because, no matter what I may be able to bring to a relationship, at the end of the day it would never be enough. I dont want kids. I'm not good around them and I just dont like the idea of ever having them. I especially dont want kids, because I dont want to damn MY children to what I became in life. I'm 21 years old and I have already washed out in life. Most dudes my age are thinking about getting drunk and getting laid on the weekends. I stay awake thinking about what my life COULD have been. Then I feel guilty cause I walk down my apartment hallway and see people with eviction notices on their doors.

I dont want to damn my kids to my fate. The fact is that either you are rich or your poor in today's America. The fact is that either your a winner or a loser in life, there is no in between these days. I know that I'm not gonna be rich, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work I'm just not gonna be rich. I want my son or daughter to have chances in life, to improve themselves. The fact is that someone who doesnt make a certain income, doesnt get those chances.

I also choose to stay single because, a woman can do much better than me. I know, that's the typical "nice" guy comment, but it's the truth. There are guys with more money, better looks and brighter outlooks on life. I have got a lot of pride, which also doesnt help matters. I'm also a bit of a recluse, I am very good with people when it comes to work and friendship, but in a relationship I'm just not good at it. I like peace and quiet, I hate drama, and I like having the freedom of being able to do/not do whatever I want.

So yeah, I pretty much stay single, and will stay single for a long, long time to come. I know there are chances I will regret it, but I'm not sure what would make me feel worse, seeing bills piling up and knowing the best my children could do is follow in my shoes or knowing my wife could never own this diamond or this nice thing.

A lot of people say that single people are selfish, and a great many are, but I also think it's equally selfish to be so desperate to love and be loved, that you would potentially damn their future and a childs future for your own selfish reasons.

adam_warlock_2099
05-03-2008, 07:48 PM
Thanks. I am a stronger person for it so something good came of it. :)

Then good to hear Ms Amy. As long as you are happy.

Dave S.
05-03-2008, 07:55 PM
I'm 26 and not married just because I haven't really had much relationship success. That said, I do want to get married and have kids. I want kids, and fairly soon. I'm not really in any financial situation to have them at the moment, so I won't because I'm responsible. But some people want to be doctors, some people want to be successful and make lots of money. I want to be a father. That is my main goal in life, and school/work is just a means to get into a position where I can get married and have and support a family.

HOOKS
05-03-2008, 08:00 PM
A lot of people say that single people are selfish, and a great many are

That's one thing I've always, always heard.

"You're fucking selfish, Hooks. You *need* to settle down and you *need* to have kids. You need a wife to take care of you. You need kids to fulfill you."

And my answer is always "No, I don't. Maybe *you* need someone else to make you feel complete, but I like my life."

And I do. I like my business, I like going on vacations when I want to, I like my home, I like my dog, I like my freedom. I am very well aware that this is my one, only chance to live life as I see fit before I eventually die and cease to exist.

If I like my life the way it is, why would I change it?

Nobody is entitled to get married to me, and I'm not entitled to get married to anyone.

Slewo.O
05-03-2008, 08:01 PM
I'm 26 and not married just because I haven't really had much relationship success. That said, I do want to get married and have kids. I want kids, and fairly soon. I'm not really in any financial situation to have them at the moment, so I won't because I'm responsible. But some people want to be doctors, some people want to be successful and make lots of money. I want to be a father. That is my main goal in life, and school/work is just a means to get into a position where I can get married and have and support a family.

Where does the TA fit in? :Oops:

c. page
05-03-2008, 08:03 PM
That's one thing I've always, always heard.

"You're fucking selfish, Hooks. You *need* to settle down and you *need* to have kids. You need a wife to take care of you. You need kids to fulfill you."

And my answer is always "No, I don't. Maybe *you* need someone else to make you feel complete, but I like my life."

And I do. I like my business, I like going on vacations when I want to, I like my home, I like my dog, I like my freedom. I am very well aware that this is my one, only chance to live life as I see fit before I eventually die and cease to exist.

If I like my life the way it is, why would I change it?

Nobody is entitled to get married to me, and I'm not entitled to get married to anyone.

agreed. i've never understood that, and thankfully, nobody's said it to me yet.

if it makes you happy, and isn't hurting anyone else, i really don't see how it could be selfish.

Andrew
05-03-2008, 08:03 PM
I was married for a little over 20 years.

I've been single now for 3.

I enjoyed being married...most of the time. And there are times that I miss it. I get terrible lonely, especially on the weekend, when I'm not working. But I don't want to be with just anyone to end the loneliness.

I find myself either being too picky about the women I date, too lazy to put a lot of work into a relationship now, and then I think that even though I do get lonely, being single is just where I'm supposed to be right now.

Don't know if I'll ever get married again. At this moment I don't know if I'll ever even have a serious relationship with anyone ever again.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

That brings up an interesting question that I think about sometimes; when you get divorced, where do you go from there? Obviously, the answer will be different for everybody, and will often depend on how old you are when you get divorced, but it certainly doesn't seem like it's an easy answer no matter what. After having your heart broken so immensely, can you ever fall in love with anyone again, or would you even want to, considering your sense of trust in other people might be permanently jaded after s divorce? On the other hand, after living and being with someone else for many years, can you ever truly feel fulfilled again by yourself if you choose to stay single for the rest of your life?

It really sucks when this sort of scenario comes up, but it's something that irks me.

J Money
05-03-2008, 08:04 PM
I'm 25, seeing what's out there I guess. While I'm not against marriage, I would go for the prenup. That's a damn shame when you lose half.

Dave S.
05-03-2008, 08:05 PM
Where does the TA fit in? :Oops:

Dude, TA fits in nowhere. She is crazy. And in an open relationship with another guy. And I think somewhat mentally retarded, or at least mildly autistic. And I feel dirty for making out with her because she started telling me stories of how she'd make out with guys she met on the train. Luckily, we never had sex.

Unless things work out in the long run with her friend. then she is the person that introduced us. And they might work out. They are certainly going well so far.

Dave S.
05-03-2008, 08:07 PM
That's one thing I've always, always heard.

"You're fucking selfish, Hooks. You *need* to settle down and you *need* to have kids. You need a wife to take care of you. You need kids to fulfill you."

And my answer is always "No, I don't. Maybe *you* need someone else to make you feel complete, but I like my life."

And I do. I like my business, I like going on vacations when I want to, I like my home, I like my dog, I like my freedom. I am very well aware that this is my one, only chance to live life as I see fit before I eventually die and cease to exist.

If I like my life the way it is, why would I change it?

Nobody is entitled to get married to me, and I'm not entitled to get married to anyone.

It's only selfish if you are leading on your current partner. Like, if you know they want to get married and have kids someday, and you just want to enjoy their company and have no intention of ever doing any of that, but go on with them anyways.

Otherwise, who the fuck cares.

Slewo.O
05-03-2008, 08:08 PM
Dude, TA fits in nowhere. She is crazy. And in an open relationship with another guy. And I think somewhat mentally retarded, or at least mildly autistic. And I feel dirty for making out with her because she started telling me stories of how she'd make out with guys she met on the train. Luckily, we never had sex.

Unless things work out in the long run with her friend. then she is the person that introduced us. And they might work out. They are certainly going well so far.

You never mentioned this before? Developments plz :)

But she's a TA and makes out with guys she meets on a train while kissing you? What the hell is up with this freaking world? But then again this is the same world that gave birth to Warren Ellis and GW so I'm not complaining.

Also if I were ever to get married (which I'm too young to think about but what the hell), I probably would go for the prenup I have no intention of getting screwed.

HOOKS
05-03-2008, 08:08 PM
agreed. i've never understood that, and thankfully, nobody's said it to me yet.

if it makes you happy, and isn't hurting anyone else, i really don't see how it could be selfish.

Here's the other thing I hear:

"Aren't you afraid of dying alone?"

Well, everyone dies alone, unless you're killed alongside a group of people. And I don't want to live my life solely for a scenario (my death) that I have absolutely no control over.

c. page
05-03-2008, 08:09 PM
Here's the other thing I hear:

"Aren't you afraid of dying alone?"

Well, everyone dies alone, unless you're killed alongside a group of people. And I don't want to live my life solely for a scenario (my death) that I have absolutely no control over.

even then, you die alone (if you want to get all metaphysical).

Andrew
05-03-2008, 08:11 PM
A lot of people say that single people are selfish

A lot of people say that? Huh. Interesting.

When I hear someone say that for the first time, I'll be sure to let them know of what a douchy comment they just made.

Dave S.
05-03-2008, 08:12 PM
Here's the other thing I hear:

"Aren't you afraid of dying alone?"

I'm much more afraid of growing old alone. Dying, who the fuck cares. You die, it's over. Afterlife or no, you move on. But spending my life as alone as I've been these past few years, that terrifies me.

adam_warlock_2099
05-03-2008, 08:13 PM
Here's the other thing I hear:

"Aren't you afraid of dying alone?"

Well, everyone dies alone, unless you're killed alongside a group of people. And I don't want to live my life solely for a scenario (my death) that I have absolutely no control over.

But you can be surrounded by thousands of people, many you love, and still die alone. You can live that way too.

lonesomefool
05-03-2008, 08:15 PM
That's one thing I've always, always heard.

"You're fucking selfish, Hooks. You *need* to settle down and you *need* to have kids. You need a wife to take care of you. You need kids to fulfill you."

And my answer is always "No, I don't. Maybe *you* need someone else to make you feel complete, but I like my life."

And I do. I like my business, I like going on vacations when I want to, I like my home, I like my dog, I like my freedom. I am very well aware that this is my one, only chance to live life as I see fit before I eventually die and cease to exist.

If I like my life the way it is, why would I change it?

Nobody is entitled to get married to me, and I'm not entitled to get married to anyone.

People that say that, I usually dont talk to anymore. I have already stopped talking to one friend because she was so hardcore Christian (she was cool in High School, then found God) that whenever I made it clear I wanted no part of a relationship she would go on and on about how it's "God's plan" for everyone to have kids and a wife/husband. Crazy.

HOOKS
05-03-2008, 08:16 PM
It's only selfish if you are leading on your current partner. Like, if you know they want to get married and have kids someday, and you just want to enjoy their company and have no intention of ever doing any of that, but go on with them anyways..

That's a real dick thing to do. "Oh baby, I love you, let's get married and have babies!" while secretly thinking "I'm not marrying this broad. Fuck kids!" is real fucked up. It's a lot similar in my opinion to people who don't want kids but end up knocking people up anyway, but that's a whole different topic.

Luckily, my current "partner" (it's complicated) knows where I stand, and she's on the same page. She has a lot of goals she needs to accomplish (finish law school and work for a large firm for a few years) and is in no rush to get married or have kids.

Plus, she's completely happy with just having dogs. :D

Andrew
05-03-2008, 08:17 PM
People that say that, I usually dont talk to anymore. I have already stopped talking to one friend because she was so hardcore Christian (she was cool in High School, then found God) that whenever I made it clear I wanted no part of a relationship she would go on and on about how it's "God's plan" for everyone to have kids and a wife/husband. Crazy.

What did she say about infertile couples? Was them not being able to have kids a part of "God's plan" too?

Slewo.O
05-03-2008, 08:18 PM
What did she say about infertile couples? Was them not being able to have kids a part of "God's plan" too?

We all fall under "God's Plan". He planned everything dammit!

HOOKS
05-03-2008, 08:19 PM
People that say that, I usually dont talk to anymore. I have already stopped talking to one friend because she was so hardcore Christian (she was cool in High School, then found God) that whenever I made it clear I wanted no part of a relationship she would go on and on about how it's "God's plan" for everyone to have kids and a wife/husband. Crazy.

...was that really in the Bible? What did it say, thou shalt get locked up and knocked up?

adam_warlock_2099
05-03-2008, 08:19 PM
What did she say about infertile couples? Was them not being able to have kids a part of "God's plan" too?

In those cases they will hand you some fucking bullshit reason that God didn't intend for you to have children.

But then they want to back the fuck up when I want to ask just what the hell were God's intentions for my son being born 16 weeks premature? It's a fuckin scam.

Dreaded Anomaly
05-03-2008, 08:19 PM
I'm much too young to seriously consider getting married/having kids/etc., but it's something I want in the future. My parents divorced when I was 12, but it wasn't messy or dramatic; they decided it wasn't working, and they stayed friends afterwards. We had more family dinners after the divorce than before it.

However, I'm extremely picky with relationships. As some of you may have picked up (;)), I'm an atheist, and I won't get into a relationship with someone who's religious. My reason for this is that I wouldn't be able to commit myself, since I would know that it wasn't going to work out; I don't plan to raise any children I have with religion in their lives, and I'm not the type who can just do "casual" dating. Obviously this one characteristic isn't anything like a guarantee that it will work out, but I don't completely buy into the idea that it's better to have loved and lost.

That being said, ten years from now, I could completely change my mind. We human beings are fickle like that.

HOOKS
05-03-2008, 08:21 PM
I'm much more afraid of growing old alone. Dying, who the fuck cares. You die, it's over. Afterlife or no, you move on. But spending my life as alone as I've been these past few years, that terrifies me.

Easy fix: Get out and socialize!

If you're not good at it, join Toastmasters.

lonesomefool
05-03-2008, 08:22 PM
What did she say about infertile couples? Was them not being able to have kids a part of "God's plan" too?

Never heard what she said. Let's put it this way, this girl was SO hardcore religious towards the end of our friendship, that she wanted to drop out of college, which she was halfway through finishing her degree, to get married, have kids and be a stay-at-home mom.

It's people like her that have all these kids and the guy is killing himself to try to make enough money and those kids will never be given a shot at life. It's a real shame.

HOOKS
05-03-2008, 08:25 PM
Never heard what she said. Let's put it this way, this girl was SO hardcore religious towards the end of our friendship, that she wanted to drop out of college, which she was halfway through finishing her degree, to get married, have kids and be a stay-at-home mom.

One of my old assistants was like that. She said she was only working until she found a man who could take care of her and have babies with. That's all she wanted in life.

c. page
05-03-2008, 08:27 PM
Never heard what she said. Let's put it this way, this girl was SO hardcore religious towards the end of our friendship, that she wanted to drop out of college, which she was halfway through finishing her degree, to get married, have kids and be a stay-at-home mom.

It's people like her that have all these kids and the guy is killing himself to try to make enough money and those kids will never be given a shot at life. It's a real shame.

i'd disagree there. i've known a few religious families that have had a bunch of kids and had everything work out.

happiness is where you find it.

Slewo.O
05-03-2008, 08:28 PM
One of my old assistants was like that. She said she was only working until she found a man who could take care of her and have babies with. That's all she wanted in life.

And be a grandma and have grandkids. Aw that's sweet. Too bad she'll be more cow then human.

Andrew
05-03-2008, 08:29 PM
Never heard what she said. Let's put it this way, this girl was SO hardcore religious towards the end of our friendship, that she wanted to drop out of college, which she was halfway through finishing her degree, to get married, have kids and be a stay-at-home mom.

It's people like her that have all these kids and the guy is killing himself to try to make enough money and those kids will never be given a shot at life. It's a real shame.

It really is.

Evidently, people like her are divorced from reality. They might stay married to another person forever (or not), but they certainly won't ever be married to the way the world works today.

Slewo.O
05-03-2008, 08:31 PM
It really is.

Evidently, people like her are divorced from reality. They might stay married to another person forever (or not), but they certainly won't ever be married to the way the world works today.

People like that have either had their umbilical cord attached to the bible or watched episodes of Leave it to Beaver everyday of their lives.

lonesomefool
05-03-2008, 08:33 PM
i'd disagree there. i've known a few religious families that have had a bunch of kids and had everything work out.

happiness is where you find it.

people can be religious, I have no problem with that, but unless the man is a executive or CEO, chances are your house is gonna need both parents working to get by. By forcing JUST the man to work and provide for the family, you are taking a real chance, especially in today's "well, fuck you" world where companies get rid of people at the drop of a hat.

c. page
05-03-2008, 08:36 PM
people can be religious, I have no problem with that, but unless the man is a executive or CEO, chances are your house is gonna need both parents working to get by. By forcing JUST the man to work and provide for the family, you are taking a real chance, especially in today's "well, fuck you" world where companies get rid of people at the drop of a hat.

again, it depends. i agree that you need to make sure you can afford the kids, but i do know several couples where the man works and the wife is a stay at home mom with several kids, and they do pretty good for themselves.

the key is to make sure that you're taken care of financially. for a lot of people, it means having both parents work. but i also imagine that the people like the aforementioned woman are marrying the type of men who expect the women to stay home, and they are planning for that type of situation financially.

Dreaded Anomaly
05-03-2008, 08:44 PM
again, it depends. i agree that you need to make sure you can afford the kids, but i do know several couples where the man works and the wife is a stay at home mom with several kids, and they do pretty good for themselves.

the key is to make sure that you're taken care of financially. for a lot of people, it means having both parents work. but i also imagine that the people like the aforementioned woman are marrying the type of men who expect the women to stay home, and they are planning for that type of situation financially.

I ain't sayin' she a gold digger... :lol:

It really does depend on a variety of factors, though. The job, the price of living, etc.

lonesomefool
05-03-2008, 08:50 PM
I ain't sayin' she a gold digger... :lol:

It really does depend on a variety of factors, though. The job, the price of living, etc.

Eh, I dont think this girl was a gold digger actually, she was never really interested in money and stuff. I can totally she her marrying one of those young Republicans that is a CEO at the age of 24 though :lol:

Mylazycat
05-03-2008, 09:18 PM
I was married for a little over 20 years.

I've been single now for 3.

I enjoyed being married...most of the time. And there are times that I miss it. I get terrible lonely, especially on the weekend, when I'm not working. But I don't want to be with just anyone to end the loneliness.

I find myself either being too picky about the women I date, too lazy to put a lot of work into a relationship now, and then I think that even though I do get lonely, being single is just where I'm supposed to be right now.

Don't know if I'll ever get married again. At this moment I don't know if I'll ever even have a serious relationship with anyone ever again.

Wow, this is almost bang on for me, as if it was written to describe my life, especially the part about weekends. I both look forward to my days off yet am mostly bored and lonely when I have them. Yet I also refuse to have someone just for the sake of it and, because of this, I can be picky and, I suppose, am probably more picky than someone with my looks should be, but I'm picky on personality and shared interests and being on the same page, which is a rare thing to come across, even rarer still that she be single. More often she's amazing and has most of the qualities I go for...and in a serious relationship herself.

My relationship was 13 years, been single for 4 this August. I also am not sure if I'll ever have a serious relationship again and for me it's because she broke up with me for someone else, which was unimagineable pain and hell. So, it's hard to imagine putting myself in a situation where I might end up having to go through that all over again.

Jonathan Callan
05-03-2008, 09:56 PM
One correction: the divorce rate is not, and has never been, 50%. http://www.divorcereform.org/nyt05.html

As to the question, my response: the possibility of sex. I'll let you figure out to which option I'm referring! :lol:

Well, considering no intelligent person would ever get married for sex... I think I have an idea.

Andrew
05-03-2008, 10:01 PM
I also am not sure if I'll ever have a serious relationship again and for me it's because she broke up with me for someone else, which was unimagineable pain and hell. So, it's hard to imagine putting myself in a situation where I might end up having to go through that all over again.

That's the kind of crap that really bothers me when I read/hear about it. Talk about having one's heart ripped out and trustworthiness of other people shattered.

Gecko
05-03-2008, 10:08 PM
There's a great line from Jack Nicholson's character Darryl in "The Witches of Eastwick" when Cher's character Alexandra asks if he's married.


The answer is no, I don't believe in it. Good for the man, lousy for the woman. She dies, she suffocates. I've see it! And then the husband runs around complaining that he's fucking a dead person, and he's the one who killed her!


This I believe to be very true for women. I certainly buy into it firmly.

lonesomefool
05-03-2008, 10:08 PM
That's the kind of crap that really bothers me when I read/hear about it. Talk about having one's heart ripped out and trustworthiness of other people shattered.

Yeah, I hate hearing stories like that :surrend:

I really think one of the major reasons I obsess about money and relationships is because even though I am only 21, I have already had two girlfriends leave me for guys who made more than I. My college girlfriend left me for a guy that played on the football team and had a family with big money. At this point I find it hard to imagine I will ever meet a girl that I could trust wouldnt leave me for someone with more money (not that I could blame her) and if I did, there would be other issues, like her wanting kids and I never wanting any.

HOOKS
05-04-2008, 11:59 AM
You shouldn't have a girlfriend/serious relationship that young, man. That's your problem.

Focus on making a life f0r yourself, and when you meet a girl, don't try getting serious with her. Just focus on YOU.

lonesomefool
05-04-2008, 12:10 PM
You shouldn't have a girlfriend/serious relationship that young, man. That's your problem.

Focus on making a life f0r yourself, and when you meet a girl, don't try getting serious with her. Just focus on YOU.

True, right now I just dont even bother. I doubt I ever will again, I have become very angry and bitter towards life and no woman wants that. Everyday I lose more and more hope that I will ever be able to make enough money to really give my family what they deserve. Friends introduce me to girls, but I turn down dates, I'm just not gonna be in a relationship until I am happy with life, which I dont see happening anytime soon.

Ben
05-04-2008, 12:14 PM
I was married at 23, and I've been married for over 20 years. People get married in order to make a permanent commitment to each other. Today, our kids feel very secure, having two easy-going parents who are in love with each other. My own folks divorced but that was because of their choices and their own character issues, not because the institution of marriage itself is flawed. If you do it the right way, marriage can be the greatest experience of anyone's life.I don't understand how "getting married" is any more secure than just promising each other you'll stay together forever. Why do you need the legal contract for that security? It's not like you couldn't get divorced quite easily if you wanted to.

Ashwin Pande
05-04-2008, 12:17 PM
Hooks is rich.

Dusty
05-04-2008, 12:24 PM
It's just a piece of paper that makes everything 100 times more complicated when the eventual breakup happens.

HOOKS
05-04-2008, 12:28 PM
Hooks is rich.

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a89/ChynaLove354/ballin.gif

Ashwin Pande
05-04-2008, 12:36 PM
:lol:

c. page
05-04-2008, 12:39 PM
I don't understand how "getting married" is any more secure than just promising each other you'll stay together forever. Why do you need the legal contract for that security? It's not like you couldn't get divorced quite easily if you wanted to.

there are some benefits to it. things like being allowed on the spouse's benefits package, life insurance, etc.

and i never thought i'd be the one listing the positives of marriage....

Ben
05-04-2008, 12:42 PM
there are some benefits to it. things like being allowed on the spouse's benefits package, life insurance, etc.

and i never thought i'd be the one listing the positives of marriage....And those I think are valuable benefits of marriage. Some of those I think you could get through other means, but you'd have to pay lots of money to lawyers.

I never hear people mention them, though. They always spout bullshit like "I loved her, so I should marry her" or "I wanted our relationship to be secure."

c. page
05-04-2008, 12:43 PM
And those I think are valuable benefits of marriage. Some of those I think you could get through other means, but you'd have to pay lots of money to lawyers.

I never hear people mention them, though. They always spout bullshit like "I loved her, so I should marry her" or "I wanted our relationship to be secure."

well, it does sound a little better to say that than to say, "she had a SWEET benefits package, and i needed some dental work done, so i married her."

lonesomefool
05-04-2008, 12:47 PM
And those I think are valuable benefits of marriage. Some of those I think you could get through other means, but you'd have to pay lots of money to lawyers.

I never hear people mention them, though. They always spout bullshit like "I loved her, so I should marry her" or "I wanted our relationship to be secure."

Well that's mostly because people that say that have serious emotional issues. I honestly think a lot of people get married because they are so worried about someone "stealing" their lover, and feel marriage acts like a "trap" to prevent that from happening.

Kurt Russell Crowe
05-04-2008, 12:52 PM
I'm fairly certain I'll never get married.

For one, I know for a fact I'll never have a wedding other than a Vegas one or a go to the courthouse to make it official one. It's just against my philosophies of pointless tradition and being a sheep that follows the herd. Why would you possibly want to do the exact same thing everyone else has done just because you're told you're supposed to? All that white doyle shit can kiss my ass. I'm not going to run around reading lines about how I'm so stressed out because of the cake and blah blah blah cold feet blah blah blah stupid stupid traditions blah blah.

Secondly, I'm incapable of playing games and I've never seen a serious couple not play stupid, pathetic, pointless games with each other. My brain and biology are literally wired to not let me participate in them and immediately hate anyone who tries it with me. I just walk away. My best friend and his finance make me puke a little in my mouth each time I go hang out with them because it's all they do. I just don't consider that a relationship, its just bullshit.

Thirdly, I'm a very private, quiet person who doesn't want to have children. I've never understood why people need to be validated by others every second of the day. In the vast majority of situations, I prefer being by myself.

Dave S.
05-04-2008, 01:39 PM
I don't understand how "getting married" is any more secure than just promising each other you'll stay together forever. Why do you need the legal contract for that security? It's not like you couldn't get divorced quite easily if you wanted to.

It's not security, it's commitment. It's saying to someone, I'm so sure that I want to spend my life with you, that I will do announce it in a binding legal arrangement in front of all of our friends and family. And if someone isn't willing to do that with me, why would I want to have children with them? And if they don't want to have children, then I'm not interested in any sort of long term relationship.

My mom has been married and divorced 3 times. My father was the second. They divorced when I was 12. He's also been married 3 times now. Though the 3rd seems to be sticking. I've seen failed marriages. But I've seen successful ones too. And if you get married because you're lonely, or because it's what you're supposed to do, or if it's part of your 'plan' for life to be married by 25 (I hear this from a lot of women), then it will probably end poorly. But sometimes you just want to make a commitment, and marriage is how that's done in our society.

nrrdgrrl
05-04-2008, 01:59 PM
Never heard what she said. Let's put it this way, this girl was SO hardcore religious towards the end of our friendship, that she wanted to drop out of college, which she was halfway through finishing her degree, to get married, have kids and be a stay-at-home mom.

It's people like her that have all these kids and the guy is killing himself to try to make enough money and those kids will never be given a shot at life. It's a real shame.

I used to work with the future version of this woman. In twenty five years or so, her kids will move out of the house and have their own families. And then her husband will leave her for some bimbo. And then she'll go batshit insane and have to go back to work with no education and no job skills. And drive all of her coworkers batshit insane.

nrrdgrrl
05-04-2008, 02:07 PM
I don't understand how "getting married" is any more secure than just promising each other you'll stay together forever. Why do you need the legal contract for that security? It's not like you couldn't get divorced quite easily if you wanted to.

The "legal contract" can also help in medical emergencies. If something happens to my husband, and the doctors need a decision on the fly, I get to make it. Without that marriage contract, they have to ask his parents or siblings, and I get no say in it.

Caley Tibbittz
05-04-2008, 02:26 PM
It's not security, it's commitment. It's saying to someone, I'm so sure that I want to spend my life with you, that I will do announce it in a binding legal arrangement in front of all of our friends and family. And if someone isn't willing to do that with me, why would I want to have children with them? And if they don't want to have children, then I'm not interested in any sort of long term relationship.

First, I've never understood why a relationship between two adults must produce children to be worthwhile. Why can't it just be about the two people?

Second, I'd be insulted if someone needed me to announce my commitment during a legal ceremony to be assured that I loved them and wasn't going leave them. Because they should trust what I say, and because the marriage ceremony doesn't make people any more committed in reality than they would be anyway.

Caley Tibbittz
05-04-2008, 02:27 PM
The "legal contract" can also help in medical emergencies. If something happens to my husband, and the doctors need a decision on the fly, I get to make it. Without that marriage contract, they have to ask his parents or siblings, and I get no say in it.

Is there no other way to for him to give you this legal authority?

Dave S.
05-04-2008, 02:32 PM
First, I've never understood why a relationship between two adults must produce children to be worthwhile. Why can't it just be about the two people?

Second, I'd be insulted if someone needed me to announce my commitment during a legal ceremony to be assured that I loved them and wasn't going leave them. Because they should trust what I say, and because the marriage ceremony doesn't make people any more committed in reality than they would be anyway.

First, it doesn't. I never said it does. I was merely stating what was true for me. I want children. You don't, and want to date women who don't. That's great.

Second, you are once again adding things to what I said. Who said anyone needed it to be assured? I said I wanted to proclaim it to show MY commitment. And I'd be insulted if someone said "Hey, it's great that you love me, and I love you, but umm, let's not do anything permanent like marriage."

jess
05-04-2008, 03:26 PM
i refer to scotty as my husband when in fact, we are not married. my main reasons for deciding to stay unwed is because i don't need legal validation for my feelings for the person i love, i don't think the legal system should have any say if we ever choose to part ways, and i don't need to be bound by an archaic ritual from a religious deity i may or may not believe in to validate my decision to be with him.

and it's just easier to say husband :)

Ben
05-04-2008, 03:59 PM
Is there no other way to for him to give you this legal authority?There definitely is a way. You just have to pay a lawyer to do all the paperwork.

RebootedCorpse
05-04-2008, 04:01 PM
Its nice to have someone to "get your back" as you go through life.

Jet
05-04-2008, 05:30 PM
I tell people I am single by popular demand :lol:

I was with someone for like 8 years but as we got into our 30s things changed. We were enganged and all that but she 'grew up' and became concerend with material things like the kind of car we drove or what kind of house we were going to have and my job title and I stayed being, and still, am an idealistic shmoe. I still have all these heady notions about happiness over money and not comprimising your ideals and such that most people say that you grow out of. She wanted to keep up with the Joneses and could give a fuck about that so we broke it off.

Now I am in my late 30s and I get that 'don't you want to get married?' shit all the time and I get the notion that for a lot of people, getting married is like Musical Chairs, whoever you are with when the music stops (when you "feel" it is time to get married), that's the person you get married too. Maybe it's those idealistic notions of mine that I still cling to, but I want to end up with the woman that is right for me and I am right for them. Someone that you don't mind spending the downtime with in life because life is full of downtime.

And it she wants to get married then we'll get married. I am indifferent to it but if she wants it or my family want to go through the pomp and circumstace, being an only child and the last male to carry on the name and all, then so be it.

Ben
05-04-2008, 05:37 PM
It's not security, it's commitment. It's saying to someone, I'm so sure that I want to spend my life with you, that I will do announce it in a binding legal arrangement in front of all of our friends and family. And if someone isn't willing to do that with me, why would I want to have children with them? And if they don't want to have children, then I'm not interested in any sort of long term relationship.It's not binding.

Ben
05-04-2008, 05:38 PM
Its nice to have someone to "get your back" as you go through life.You can have that without the legal marriage contract. I don't see what's reassuring or romantic about a legal contract. You want someone to stay with you because they don't want to deal with all the legal fees and financial consequences of a divorce?

jess
05-04-2008, 05:44 PM
You can have that without the legal marriage contract. I don't see what's reassuring or romantic about a legal contract. You want someone to stay with you because they don't want to deal with all the legal fees and financial consequences of a divorce?

qft.

Mellon
05-04-2008, 06:28 PM
i have such a love hate relationship with this message board.

the studio 60 haters made me hate all of you this morning, and then i read this thread and i'm back to loving you guys.

keep it up.

this thread is letting me know i'm not alone on some shit.

WinstonWolf
05-04-2008, 06:31 PM
Wow. I can't even get a date, let alone a marriage.

lonesomefool
05-04-2008, 06:39 PM
I tell people I am single by popular demand :lol:

I was with someone for like 8 years but as we got into our 30s things changed. We were enganged and all that but she 'grew up' and became concerend with material things like the kind of car we drove or what kind of house we were going to have and my job title and I stayed being, and still, am an idealistic shmoe. I still have all these heady notions about happiness over money and not comprimising your ideals and such that most people say that you grow out of. She wanted to keep up with the Joneses and could give a fuck about that so we broke it off.

Now I am in my late 30s and I get that 'don't you want to get married?' shit all the time and I get the notion that for a lot of people, getting married is like Musical Chairs, whoever you are with when the music stops (when you "feel" it is time to get married), that's the person you get married too. Maybe it's those idealistic notions of mine that I still cling to, but I want to end up with the woman that is right for me and I am right for them. Someone that you don't mind spending the downtime with in life because life is full of downtime.

And it she wants to get married then we'll get married. I am indifferent to it but if she wants it or my family want to go through the pomp and circumstace, being an only child and the last male to carry on the name and all, then so be it.

I have always said, that before your wife or girlfriend, you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. I get the longing to make lots of money, I want lots of money, am I willing to fuck people over for it? No. I dont think I could be with someone like that either.

Slewo.O
05-04-2008, 08:21 PM
Wow. I can't even get a date, let alone a marriage.

Too bad the boss ain't getting a divorce eh? Just kidding WW just kidding :roll:

Humphrey_Lee
05-04-2008, 08:29 PM
The thought of marriage makes me want to put a bullet in my face.
My current situation of being chronically single makes me want to put a bullet in the face of everyone who even slightly irritates me.

Really, I'm just waiting for a special on bullets it seems...

Slewo.O
05-04-2008, 08:31 PM
The thought of marriage makes me want to put a bullet in my face.
My current situation of being chronically single makes me want to put a bullet in the face of everyone who even slightly irritates me.

Really, I'm just waiting for a special on bullets it seems...

Just don't shoot anyone important okay?

Humphrey_Lee
05-04-2008, 08:37 PM
Just don't shoot anyone important okay?

When the time comes I don't think my brain will be able to differentiate. :)

batmanbooyah
05-04-2008, 08:42 PM
i think people get married out of two very basic reactions: fear and tradition. some people get married because that's what you do. thats the way their parents did it and their grandparents before them. then others fear that they might be lonely later on in life. they use marriage as a way to bind people together so that they can't technically leave. they might be in a shitty marriage, but atleast they got something.

this doesn't apply to everyone, these are just two major factors i think. some people love eachother and marriage is already there, but not legally. its something some people want, so they take it.

i mean, if you really love someone, shouldn't you be able to stay in that same relationship without the need of a ceremony or some legal document?

with all of that said, i have nothing against marriage and if i meet the right gal, i wouldn't be against it. though all the chicks in huntington beach have been kinda weird. and that's coming from someone who lived in LA. weirdos.

SgtPepper
05-04-2008, 08:47 PM
I'm already perpetually lonely, so I think I can cope with it the rest of my days.
Besides, I'm too weird and fucked up to attract a girl, let alone talk about marriage.
I think I'm either on earth to argue with people, or to quote Kurt Vonnegut, "fart around."
:)

Humphrey_Lee
05-04-2008, 08:50 PM
I'm already perpetually lonely, so I think I can cope with it the rest of my days.
Besides, I'm too weird and fucked up to attract a girl, let alone talk about marriage.
I think I'm either on earth to argue with people, or to quote Kurt Vonnegut, "fart around."
:)

... son?

SgtPepper
05-04-2008, 08:59 PM
... son?

Forgive me, I've spent the weekend cooped up in my house, alone with my thoughts, so my brain is a little battered.

Donal DeLay
05-04-2008, 09:01 PM
I am not a religious person. I was raised atheist, went in search of spirituality when I was in my rebellious teens, and came back to atheism. That said, marrying my husband was the single most spiritual moment of my life and one that I would not have traded for the world.

We got married for the obvious reasons. We are in love and have been for eight years, we are compatible, we trust each other, we have the ability to compromise on the few issues that we don't agree on, we have the flexibility to grow with each other, and the commitment to each other to make it work. The legal perks are convienent (I trust his family to not freeze me out of any will he might make, or any decision on his part, but the fact that it is ultimately my decision is comforting) but were not a factor when we were contemplating marriage. Neither were children. We both want children someday, but neither believe that marriage must come first. However, all of this could have meant that we just stayed together forever, not necessarily married.

But, marriage was not about some legally binding contract for me, it was about a leap of faith. We both knew the statistics and we both knew that not one couple is immune to that, but on October 10, 2003 we held hands and jumped off the bridge together, we put our trust, our faith, in each other. The ceremony, while not necessary, gave weight to the commitment and made it something more than commitment, made it something more worth fighting for.

The year after we got married was the hardest one for both of us and we nearly didn't make it. If we hadn't gone through with that silly, unnecessary ceremony, I have no doubt that we wouldn not have made it. What saved us was the leap of faith I took with him that moment when I became a wife rather than a girlfriend. Now, we are happier than ever and I am thankful for that unnecessary peice of paper.

-Kimberly

Ben
05-04-2008, 09:03 PM
I am not a religious person. I was raised atheist, went in search of spirituality when I was in my rebellious teens, and came back to atheism. That said, marrying my husband was the single most spiritual moment of my life and one that I would not have traded for the world.

We got married for the obvious reasons. We are in love and have been for eight years, we are compatible, we trust each other, we have the ability to compromise on the few issues that we don't agree on, we have the flexibility to grow with each other, and the commitment to each other to make it work. The legal perks are convienent (I trust his family to not freeze me out of any will he might make, or any decision on his part, but the fact that it is ultimately my decision is comforting) but were not a factor when we were contemplating marriage. Neither were children. We both want children someday, but neither believe that marriage must come first. However, all of this could have meant that we just stayed together forever, not necessarily married.

But, marriage was not about some legally binding contract for me, it was about a leap of faith. We both knew the statistics and we both knew that not one couple is immune to that, but on October 10, 2003 we held hands and jumped off the bridge together, we put our trust, our faith, in each other. The ceremony, while not necessary, gave weight to the commitment and made it something more than commitment, made it something more worth fighting for.

The year after we got married was the hardest one for both of us and we nearly didn't make it. If we hadn't gone through with that silly, unnecessary ceremony, I have no doubt that we wouldn not have made it. What saved us was the leap of faith I took with him that moment when I became a wife rather than a girlfriend. Now, we are happier than ever and I am thankful for that unnecessary peice of paper.

-KimberlyYou can have a ceremony without the business contract. Everything you said you did you could've done without the marriage license.

Donal DeLay
05-04-2008, 09:19 PM
You can have a ceremony without the business contract. Everything you said you did you could've done without the marriage license.


The ceremony that you are thinking of was not what made it a ceremony to me, it was the peice of paper. As an atheist, I don't give much personal weight to 'religious' services. A lot of people do and I'm not saying that they are wrong, I'm just saying that 'religious' services have no binding emotion to me. However, legal ones do. If we had simply had a 'mock' ceremony, all the ritual with none of the legality, it wouldn't have meant anything to me. We would still be 'boyfriend/girlfriend', temporary, disposable.

To me, the ceremony (with the ship captain and the wedding dress) was about the family, not about us, we did all that for them. The moment that I became Mrs. Donnie DeLay was when I signed my name to the marriage license and it was at that moment that everything changed, that I realized that we were now something more.

-Kimberly

WinstonWolf
05-05-2008, 06:20 AM
I'm already perpetually lonely, so I think I can cope with it the rest of my days.
Besides, I'm too weird and fucked up to attract a girl, let alone talk about marriage.
I think I'm either on earth to argue with people, or to quote Kurt Vonnegut, "fart around."
:)


Right on. People tell me that I'm nice and funny and smart, but that's pretty much all I have going for me.

WinstonWolf
05-05-2008, 06:23 AM
I am not a religious person. I was raised atheist, went in search of spirituality when I was in my rebellious teens, and came back to atheism. That said, marrying my husband was the single most spiritual moment of my life and one that I would not have traded for the world.

We got married for the obvious reasons. We are in love and have been for eight years, we are compatible, we trust each other, we have the ability to compromise on the few issues that we don't agree on, we have the flexibility to grow with each other, and the commitment to each other to make it work. The legal perks are convienent (I trust his family to not freeze me out of any will he might make, or any decision on his part, but the fact that it is ultimately my decision is comforting) but were not a factor when we were contemplating marriage. Neither were children. We both want children someday, but neither believe that marriage must come first. However, all of this could have meant that we just stayed together forever, not necessarily married.

But, marriage was not about some legally binding contract for me, it was about a leap of faith. We both knew the statistics and we both knew that not one couple is immune to that, but on October 10, 2003 we held hands and jumped off the bridge together, we put our trust, our faith, in each other. The ceremony, while not necessary, gave weight to the commitment and made it something more than commitment, made it something more worth fighting for.

The year after we got married was the hardest one for both of us and we nearly didn't make it. If we hadn't gone through with that silly, unnecessary ceremony, I have no doubt that we wouldn not have made it. What saved us was the leap of faith I took with him that moment when I became a wife rather than a girlfriend. Now, we are happier than ever and I am thankful for that unnecessary peice of paper.

-Kimberly

That's a very touching story. Seriously.

Brian Defferding
05-05-2008, 07:28 AM
Good thread, good subject!


I was inspired by lonesomefool's money/happiness thread to go ahead and pose this question to y'all. And I noticed a few people say their desire for happiness/money would be different if they were single versus being married. And I have had many arguments with my friends over this topic, so I might as well argue with mostly complete strangers as well!

So here we go:

For those of you who are married, why did you choose to get married?

For those of you who are single (by choice), why do you choose to stay single?

As for me: I'm 27 and a relatively successful guy (personal income of six figures, business income of more than that) who really sees no point nor need to getting married. At least, not for a long time.

There are several reasons for that, key among them being that there is no benefit to me at this time to get married. I am in a healthy dating situation, I have plenty of companionship, and with my business the way it is and the growth that it's been seeing the last few years, I couldn't see stalling any of my endeavors. I have no desire to have kids (I do have a dog though), I travel a lot, and with the average human lifespan in the mid-70s, I still have a lot of life ahead of me. I absolutely love my life as it is and couldn't imagine circumstances changing it.

If I were married, I couldn't travel like I'd want to, I couldn't make certain business decisions without needing to consider her, and if kids were a factor, I'd have a lot less time to spend on business. It'd be a complete departure from my life as it is now.

And let's be frank - 50% of marriages end in divorce, with the finances getting split along various lines (not to mention The Drama), and that's not an investment I'd be willing to make. :lol:

And yes, I know the word "love" falls in there somewhere, but you can be in love with someone and have everything that comes with a loving, long-lasting relationship without needing a legal document to prove you're together.

But that's just me.

What about you?

Funny story:

What you just posted above was me in 2007. I loved my bachelorhood. I was 30, single, financially stable in the lower middle class. I didn't want a woman to hold me back, asking me to do things, etc. I loved that I could fuck whoever I wanted at any given time if the occasion rose, and imbibed on such no-strings-attached debauchery.

During this time, I met a girl through a friend who knocked my socks off. She had a man at that time, but when I saw her for the first time I was so attracted to her I almost couldn't speak. I became retarded. Nevertheless, I kept my distance because she was taken and continued on with my bacherlorhood ways.

One day, I was on the phone with a close friend, and we got to this subject of being single vs. dating and I was talking about how I loved being single and free, and my friend started laughing. I said "What?"

She said "You have no idea how ready you are for a relationship right now."

"Yeah right."

She kept laughing and said "You are! You are you are you are. You're going to find some girl and will fall head over heels, my friend. It will happen any moment now. It's so funny how much in denial you are." I thought she was delusional. Weeks later suddenly like lightning from the sky I get a myspace email from that girl who knocked my socks off months ago, and I find out she's single, we exchange emails, meet for coffee, yaddayaddayadda and now have been dating for 4 months, head over heels for each other. So the question is - why would I give up single freedom for this person? What does she have that would make me commit? I think there are some people you meet out there that just happens to have almost every quality and trait one looks for. And, a relationship mean support when one needs it. I know that it doesn't matter if one is poor or rich, there will be times when one will needs a kind of support that not any given friend can do. Support that goes a little bit above and beyond that. We are mortal. We have weaknesses and flaws, and it's a rough world out there. Sometimes, we just can't do it alone and having friends may not be enough. So, I found someone that not only fits (both physically and mentally) the criteria I look for in a girl, she was also willing to sacrifice whatever need be to keep me alive and enjoying life; and I will do the same for her.

That may sound like I'm psychologically dependent, but no way. I was happy and fine being single. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend at that time, I wanted fuck buddies. I wasn't afraid of being alone. But now that I'm deeply in love, I can see why some couples make their marriage vows. Those couples are happy with just that one person for the rest of their lives and will sacrifice anything for each other.

P.S. Marriage, btw, should never be a legal institution. But that's a political argument for another debate for another time.

Mylazycat
05-05-2008, 09:55 PM
she was also willing to sacrifice whatever need be to keep me alive and enjoying life; and I will do the same for her.



This sums it all up right here.

(akaRyanHoffman)
05-05-2008, 10:04 PM
I'm happily single. Being in a relationship isn't really a priority for me.

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 06:39 AM
May I also add, that there is NO better time to be and stay single than the summer. I know a lot of people, especially people my age LOVE to have those summer flings, but I cant imagine anything better than waking up on a Saturday morning and being able to do whatever the fuck you want. You want to take a drive? do it. You can do anything and everything you want and dont have to worry about anyone chewing your ass or getting pulled into doing things you dont wanna do.

dEnny!
05-06-2008, 07:09 AM
If I were married, I couldn't travel like I'd want to, I couldn't make certain business decisions without needing to consider her, and if kids were a factor, I'd have a lot less time to spend on business. It'd be a complete departure from my life as it is now.

And let's be frank - 50% of marriages end in divorce, with the finances getting split along various lines (not to mention The Drama), and that's not an investment I'd be willing to make. :lol:

And yes, I know the word "love" falls in there somewhere, but you can be in love with someone and have everything that comes with a loving, long-lasting relationship without needing a legal document to prove you're together.

What sticks out to me in your thread though is that you state you can have everything that comes with marriage without the legal document. You say since marriage ends in divorce 50% of the time and finances are getting split and that not being a wise investment decision are you not essentially saying you want the perks without the commitment? It sounds like you want the ability to jump ship when needed, whether due to convenience, things getting tough, nagging, no longer fun, etc. I know I'd feel special if I was your woman. ;)

I choose marriage because I am committed to my wife, I wanted to build a life together with her, have a family, enjoy each other's companionship, let her know she's the only one for me and I will stick it out with her through thick and thin; I see her as my partner in MANY ways. I like marriage.

Ben
05-06-2008, 07:24 AM
What sticks out to me in your thread though is that you state you can have everything that comes with marriage without the legal document. You say since marriage ends in divorce 50% of the time and finances are getting split and that not being a wise investment decision are you not essentially saying you want the perks without the commitment? It sounds like you want the ability to jump ship when needed, whether due to convenience, things getting tough, nagging, no longer fun, etc. I know I'd feel special if I was your woman. ;)

I choose marriage because I am committed to my wife, I wanted to build a life together with her, have a family, enjoy each other's companionship, let her know she's the only one for me and I will stick it out with her through thick and thin; I see her as my partner in MANY ways. I like marriage.Isn't it a more genuine commitment when either partner could "jump ship" at any moment without any financial consequences? If splitting up comes with potential financial hardship, how would you know they're staying with you for purely financial reasons? And if you are totally committed to one another, you don't need extra restrictions to keep the two of you together.

Example analogy: You want to run a marathon, but your worried that you'll give up halfway through. So you hire someone to kill you if you don't finish. The fear of death keeps you running and you finish the marathon. But isn't it a more genuine accomplishment if you finish the marathon on your own, because you wanted to finish and pushed yourself?

HOOKS
05-06-2008, 07:34 AM
What sticks out to me in your thread though is that you state you can have everything that comes with marriage without the legal document. You say since marriage ends in divorce 50% of the time and finances are getting split and that not being a wise investment decision are you not essentially saying you want the perks without the commitment? It sounds like you want the ability to jump ship when needed, whether due to convenience, things getting tough, nagging, no longer fun, etc.

Let me explain my situation a bit more clearly:

I've been dating the same girl for the last five years. She is currently in law school at a fairly prominent school here in California, I am owner of a business consulting/investment who travels a lot (both for business and to just get away every few months). We both are very independent financially and own our own properties. She wants to work for a large firm when she finishes law school and it will take time for her to get her career and her name established in the community. I want the company to be worth at least eight figures in the next two years. We enjoy our time together, and there have been rough patches here and there, but we are very committed to each other.

However, we also have very important commitments to our careers and life goals.

Neither of us sees a reason to combine our finances, nor change our living situation, nor alter our career paths to accommodate the other person when we both are doing what we want to do. We are both very, very happy with each other, but we are also realists. Anything can happen in the next five-ten years that would make our choices more difficult to handle if we were married, and life is difficult as it is.

The reality is that nothing is guaranteed in life, and things change at the drop of the hat. I was always raised (by my parents who have been married for forty years, by the way) to never feel the need to be dependent on someone else. You can love someone, be committed to them, have a life with them, but don't throw away the things you want in life just for someone else's happiness - especially when that happiness may not matter in a few years.

When I care less about building my business and focus more on stability and raising a family, and when she feels the same way about her career, marriage may come into the picture. Huge emphasis on may. But marriage to me isn't a necessity. Commitment can be made without needing to risk what I've built up over my life, and where I want to be in the next few years.

If I was to get married, we're talking ten years at the least. And I'm only 27. Five years ago I was fresh out of college and managing a commercial real estate brokerage office. Now I own my own business and am looking at expanding. Had I got married three years ago, I wouldn't be where I am today. If I get married now, I halt my plans and won't see the growth I expect to see from my business. As for her - five years ago she was still in undergrad. Now she's making contacts with various high-level attorneys and politicians in the area. Had she gotten married to me, I would have halted her plans and she wouldn't be where she is.

I want her to succeed. She wants me to succeed. We are committed to each other, we are happy with each other, and neither of us feels the threat that we will lose each other. We're both very secure with our lives right now. Why change it?

jenifu
05-06-2008, 07:47 AM
hell, i don't know - i've been single, and i've been in long-term monogamous relationships, and now i'm married. and there are pros and cons to each of those states.

everyone's different, and every relationship is different - you can want different things at different times, in different circumstances, with different people. there are just far, far too many variables in relationships for there to be one hard-and-fast commitment rule that's applicable for them all.

me, i wanted to be with someone who could also be my best friend. when i finally found him, we mutually realized that we wanted to have a big honking party to tell everyone we loved that we wanted to hang out and read comics and watch movies and make out and spend unhealthy amounts of codependent time together forever! so we did. and it's not been nearly as easy or uncomplicated as we had thought (that would be, 'hey! bonus! tax breaks and fun jewelry that matches every outfit!!!'), but it's been fascinating and unexpectedly profound and educational working it all out.

be honest with your partner, and most critically, with yourself, about what you want. then you just roll the dice and hope for the best.

as sheriff chappy dent said in "happy, texas"...'that's what life's for, isn't it? finding out?'

:grin:

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 08:24 AM
What sticks out to me in your thread though is that you state you can have everything that comes with marriage without the legal document. You say since marriage ends in divorce 50% of the time and finances are getting split and that not being a wise investment decision are you not essentially saying you want the perks without the commitment? It sounds like you want the ability to jump ship when needed, whether due to convenience, things getting tough, nagging, no longer fun, etc. I know I'd feel special if I was your woman. ;)

I choose marriage because I am committed to my wife, I wanted to build a life together with her, have a family, enjoy each other's companionship, let her know she's the only one for me and I will stick it out with her through thick and thin; I see her as my partner in MANY ways. I like marriage.

Men and Women worry WAY too much about "feeling special" and commitment. Marriage in no ways means you are committed to the other person. It's just a piece of paper. It means nothing, but so many women and some men have this constant worry that the other person will find someone better and thusly they push for marriage. The only difference between two people dating and a married couple is an expensive ring and a piece of paper. That's it.

Ben
05-06-2008, 08:26 AM
Men and Women worry WAY too much about "feeling special" and commitment. Marriage in no ways means you are committed to the other person. It's just a piece of paper. It means nothing, but so many women and some men have this constant worry that the other person will find someone better and thusly they push for marriage. The only difference between two people dating and a married couple is an expensive ring and a piece of paper. That's it.There's also the threat of alimony for whoever makes a higher salary.

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 08:35 AM
There's also the threat of alimony for whoever makes a higher salary.

True, though I would say Child Support kills you more before alimony. It's all perception, a lot of women are constantly worried to be that "old lady with cats" or to be that late 20's, 30-something woman who isnt married and doesnt have kids. Some guys are the same way, but in lesser numbers I think.

Pia Guerra
05-06-2008, 08:52 AM
I don't understand this idea that getting married means you don't get to have the success you want.

Ian and I are celebrating our 2nd anniversary this weekend and we were together for 6 years before that. If anything we're financially stronger now than ever before. We've incorporated our studio, we share expenses, we have the same hours as we did before, and we plan to continue doing so until we're elderly and sickeningly sweet ambling through our estate in matching bathrobes.

If you're more concerned about what you'll lose in a marriage then maybe she's not the one you want to grow old with, in which case, carry on with your formula until that changes.

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 09:57 AM
I don't understand this idea that getting married means you don't get to have the success you want.

Ian and I are celebrating our 2nd anniversary this weekend and we were together for 6 years before that. If anything we're financially stronger now than ever before. We've incorporated our studio, we share expenses, we have the same hours as we did before, and we plan to continue doing so until we're elderly and sickeningly sweet ambling through our estate in matching bathrobes.

If you're more concerned about what you'll lose in a marriage then maybe she's not the one you want to grow old with, in which case, carry on with your formula until that changes.

I guess it depends on the person and career. I mean, your career allows you to live virtually anywhere and continue to do your job.

For me, granted I am still somewhat young, but I cant imagine seriously dating someone, much less marrying them for a variety of reasons. The latest reason is that until I am settled into a job I feel comfortable at and secure at. I see a lot of buddies of mine and old classmates seriously dating girls or guys and looking to settle down and get married yet, but I simply cannot imagine that. I mean, granted sometimes you CAN just up and move your girlfriend/wife/family with you if you get a good job opportunity, but if your single you dont have to worry about that at all. I truly think there are two GREAT things about being single. One is the chance to further your career or move to a better job somewhere else. Two is you learn how to live with yourself and focus on yourself and your OWN mental and physical health.

I see a lot of girls (and guys) jump from relationship to relationship because they are "lonely" or some other nonsensical reason for getting into a relationship and they dont realize that until you can learn to live yourself, you have no business being in a relationship.

jenifu
05-06-2008, 10:09 AM
Men and Women worry WAY too much about "feeling special" and commitment. Marriage in no ways means you are committed to the other person. It's just a piece of paper. It means nothing, but so many women and some men have this constant worry that the other person will find someone better and thusly they push for marriage. The only difference between two people dating and a married couple is an expensive ring and a piece of paper. That's it.

are you kidding with this ridiculously unfounded and sweeping statement???

marriage may not mean YOU are committed, so obviously, either you aren't ready right now, and maybe never will be. but if two people mutually decide to make that commitment, and formalize it with whatever type of ceremony they select, of COURSE it means something, because they are CHOOSING for it to mean something.

and what in the name of thor's hammer are you thinking, pigeonholing the majority of women - and, my apologies, a handful of men? - as seeking out the institution of marriage merely as a balm to soothe their rampant fears of abandonment??? or reducing the difference between marriage and dating to something as superficial as a craving for conventional respectability and a desire for a diamond?

i understand that it may not be the thing for you - but, as someone who decided to give it a try, i would thank you NOT to dismiss all of us as lemmings, and patronize us with an analysis that condemns us as unintelligent, ignobly-motivated cowards.

Ashwin Pande
05-06-2008, 10:12 AM
HOOKS! Gimme some money!

HOOKS
05-06-2008, 10:16 AM
Make it rain.

http://usversusthem.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/akhg.jpg

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 10:20 AM
are you kidding with this ridiculously unfounded and sweeping statement???

marriage may not mean YOU are committed, so obviously, either you aren't ready right now, and maybe never will be. but if two people mutually decide to make that commitment, and formalize it with whatever type of ceremony they select, of COURSE it means something, because they are CHOOSING for it to mean something.

and what in the name of thor's hammer are you thinking, pigeonholing the majority of women - and, my apologies, a handful of men? - as seeking out the institution of marriage merely as a balm to soothe their rampant fears of abandonment??? or reducing the difference between marriage and dating to something as superficial as a craving for conventional respectability and a desire for a diamond?

i understand that it may not be the thing for you - but, as someone who decided to give it a try, i would thank you NOT to dismiss all of us as lemmings, and patronize us with an analysis that condemns us as unintelligent, ignobly-motivated cowards.

There is NOTHING to gain from marriage. Emotionally I mean. Nothing. It's something a whole lot of people do, because it's tradition or society tells people that by a certain age you should be settled down, married, raising children etc. There is nothing to gain emotionally from being married, if you are in any sort of decent relationship, you should already have the emotional fulfillment without the ring or the piece of paper.

As for the women not wanting to be lonely, true, not every woman wants that, but a whole lot do. A whole, whole lot do. There is a reason guys who generally dont want children or marriage are alone, part of it is THEIR choice, part of it is their personality and part of it is because it is very hard to find a woman who doesnt want at least one of those things eventually.

I dont think everyone who is married has used it as an emotional crutch, I apologize for that statement, but there is truth to the fact a lot of people want to get married because it's the social norm and they are afraid of being alone the rest of their lives.

HOOKS
05-06-2008, 10:21 AM
If you're more concerned about what you'll lose in a marriage then maybe she's not the one you want to grow old with, in which case, carry on with your formula until that changes.

Life to us in not just about growing old, it's about living life now.

Again, I don't need to be married to be happy with her, she doesn't need to be married to be happy with me, and I don't see marriage as a necessity nor guarantee of happiness.

I don't see where the disconnect is occurring.

Ben
05-06-2008, 10:40 AM
Life to us in not just about growing old, it's about living life now.

Again, I don't need to be married to be happy with her, she doesn't need to be married to be happy with me, and I don't see marriage as a necessity nor guarantee of happiness.

I don't see where the disconnect is occurring.What I don't really understand is why people get married rather than just living together. I think you can make a case for all those legal benefits (e.g., inheritance stuff, can make legal/medical decisions on their behalf, etc.), but no one ever mentions those. They only say stuff like "because I loved her" which isn't really an answer to "why do you need to get married?"

I think people do suffer from the delusion that getting marriage makes the relationship more secure when it really doesn't (beyond the financial roadblocks it puts in the way of a breakup).

jenifu
05-06-2008, 10:42 AM
There is NOTHING to gain from marriage. Emotionally I mean. Nothing. It's something a whole lot of people do, because it's tradition or society tells people that by a certain age you should be settled down, married, raising children etc. There is nothing to gain emotionally from being married, if you are in any sort of decent relationship, you should already have the emotional fulfillment without the ring or the piece of paper. dude - i don't know that you are understanding what i am saying here, so i am going to try once more. to YOU, there is nothing to be gained from marriage. as pia said, if you as an individual look at 'marriage' and find that you can break it down to simply be a laundry list of logistical and monetary checklist items, then you are doing the right thing for YOU - stay single. but that is your perception of the idea of marriage. respective to you as an individual, and ONLY to you, and to your personal circumstances. and there is nothing wrong with that! BUT. do NOT make the mistake of miscategorizing or condescending to those people that see it as more than that. it is FANTASTICALLY patronizing of you to assume that it is not possible that it can mean more to others because they choose to invest it with more meaning; or for you not to admit to the feasibility of the idea that people are not choosing to marry because they need some sort of 'certificate of authenticity' in order to feel that their relationship has meaning - they simply want to do it because they enjoy what depth it brings - spiritually or emotionally - to their bond, or because they feel that 'marriage' can actually, if undertaken in the right spirit, make an already wonderful relationship even better.


As for the women not wanting to be lonely, true, not every woman wants that, but a whole lot do. A whole, whole lot do. There is a reason guys who generally dont want children or marriage are alone, part of it is THEIR choice, part of it is their personality and part of it is because it is very hard to find a woman who doesnt want at least one of those things eventually.

I dont think everyone who is married has used it as an emotional crutch, I apologize for that statement, but there is truth to the fact a lot of people want to get married because it's the social norm and they are afraid of being alone the rest of their lives. of course there are people who marry precipitately, or for all of the wrong reasons. LOTS of them. but these subsets exist for every human circumstance - from parenting to pet-ownership. people make mistakes. it's simply what we are - it's what we do. but there are just as many people that make decisions that work out beautifully, and are exactly right for them. if you're truly happy the way things are for you right now, man, that's wonderful. but other people are legitimately happy and content in entirely different ways - and that's great too. there's no massive generalization that you can make about 'marriage' that is applicable to everyone; we - and our circumstances - are all too different.

Adrian B AWESOME
05-06-2008, 10:43 AM
Only if it's my cousin!

Dreaded Anomaly
05-06-2008, 10:45 AM
The hyperbole in here is becoming overwhelming.

Let's sum up:
Getting married only because society thinks it's important is generally a bad idea.
Getting married when you think it's important is a different matter.

It's an arbitrary ritual, so there is no right or wrong decision about it, as long as you make that decision for yourself.

Ben
05-06-2008, 10:45 AM
Only if it's my cousin!Did Locke get married? What about Descartes?

Generic Poster
05-06-2008, 10:53 AM
What I don't really understand is why people get married rather than just living together. I think you can make a case for all those legal benefits (e.g., inheritance stuff, can make legal/medical decisions on their behalf, etc.), but no one ever mentions those. They only say stuff like "because I loved her" which isn't really an answer to "why do you need to get married?"

I think people do suffer from the delusion that getting marriage makes the relationship more secure when it really doesn't (beyond the financial roadblocks it puts in the way of a breakup).

Well, the legal package was one of the main reasons my wife and I got married as opposed to just living together. But I think marriage does demonstrate a commitment to the other person simply by the fact that it's difficult to get out of. Once this commitment has been established, it makes it much easier to do other stuff that requires a long term commitment (buying a house, having kids, etc.)

There's all the societal issues - other people will simply take you more seriously as a couple (including family).

None of these are reasons anyone "needs" to get married, but they were good enough reasons for me.

LowKey
05-06-2008, 11:52 AM
Marriage can actually change people's goals and behavior in ways that are profoundly life enhancing.


That's what I keep telling myself.

Ashwin Pande
05-06-2008, 11:55 AM
My parents getting married was the worst thing that ever happened to me!

I'd have been so much happier not being born!

Pia Guerra
05-06-2008, 11:59 AM
Life to us in not just about growing old, it's about living life now.

Again, I don't need to be married to be happy with her, she doesn't need to be married to be happy with me, and I don't see marriage as a necessity nor guarantee of happiness.

I don't see where the disconnect is occurring.

The disconnect here is coming from your statement that marriage is a negative because it goes against your personal interests, and I'm saying if your personal interests take precedence over your relationship then that's your thing and not a statement of the value of marriage in general. It sounds to me, my personal opinion, that you're more concerned about what you'd lose in a marriage and maybe that's a good reason for you not to be married since you have doubts to its success.

I wasn't big on marriage a few years ago. I was perfectly content to spend many years being not married to Ian. And then one evening I was fuming mad on this very board, debating with a bunch of anti-gay marriage jackasses when Ian, reading on the couch nearby just up and asked "Hey, you wanna get married?"

It surprised me to say the least because I never entertained the idea (my own parents' marriage was a complete disaster) and I knew Ian wasn't very impressed with the marriages of friends. But I guess seeing my passion about the benefits of marriage, of the support from society and the law made him wonder if it would be good for us. I asked him to let me think on it for a bit and in a few weeks we started talking about it some more and the more we did the more sense it made. There weren't any doubts about where we would be five, ten, twenty years down the road, together of course, and the answer was only obvious.

I'll agree, it's not for everyone, but for us it's been great. We're like a team now. When faced with obstacles it's with the solid knowledge that we're facing them together and not just as individuals giving each other a helping hand. It's us versus whatever the world throws at us and you can't believe what a sense of strength and confidence that brings.

http://content.imagesocket.com/images/n822300000_697178_5466060.jpg (http://imagesocket.com/view/n822300000_697178_5466060.jpg)

And the reception totally kicked ass!

Dave S.
05-06-2008, 12:31 PM
What I don't really understand is why people get married rather than just living together. I think you can make a case for all those legal benefits (e.g., inheritance stuff, can make legal/medical decisions on their behalf, etc.), but no one ever mentions those. They only say stuff like "because I loved her" which isn't really an answer to "why do you need to get married?"

I think people do suffer from the delusion that getting marriage makes the relationship more secure when it really doesn't (beyond the financial roadblocks it puts in the way of a breakup).

What I don't really understand is why people like Ben here seem to have a personal fucking issue with people like me wanting to get married. Why the fuck do you feel the need to put down the institution of marriage, and the desires of the people who want to get married, just because you don't? I don't care whether you get married or not. So why do I have to be delusional if me and my partner feel that marriage is the right choice for us? Why is it such a big fucking deal to you that you have to deride people who don't feel the same way and insinuate that their choice is wrong?

It's just as stupid as the people who say shit like 'Staying single is selfish.'

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 12:41 PM
What I don't really understand is why people like Ben here seem to have a personal fucking issue with people like me wanting to get married. Why the fuck do you feel the need to put down the institution of marriage, and the desires of the people who want to get married, just because you don't? I don't care whether you get married or not. So why do I have to be delusional if me and my partner feel that marriage is the right choice for us? Why is it such a big fucking deal to you that you have to deride people who don't feel the same way and insinuate that their choice is wrong?

It's just as stupid as the people who say shit like 'Staying single is selfish.'

I dont have an issue with people getting married, my parents did and that worked out for them, I do have an issue with people who feel that everyone MUST get married. That they MUST have kids, etc. Those people are just fucking stupid.

I do think we, as a society, need to rethink the very concept of marriage. It annoys me that so many women that I meet seem to place so much importance on it. So far the only woman that I have ever met that didnt want to get married and/or have kids was a ex-stripper and she was nuts :lol:

Pia Guerra
05-06-2008, 12:58 PM
I dont have an issue with people getting married, my parents did and that worked out for them, I do have an issue with people who feel that everyone MUST get married. That they MUST have kids, etc. Those people are just fucking stupid.

I do think we, as a society, need to rethink the very concept of marriage. It annoys me that so many women that I meet seem to place so much importance on it. So far the only woman that I have ever met that didnt want to get married and/or have kids was a ex-stripper and she was nuts :lol:

It seems your beef is with a few psychotic individuals with outrageous expectations than the institution of marriage itself. Not all women feel that way (I don't) and not everyone who is married gives a shit if you get married or have kids (all power to you dude). Just don't lump us into your justification as to why you can't find a chick who shares your world view.

Ashwin Pande
05-06-2008, 01:01 PM
The disconnect here is coming from your statement that marriage is a negative because it goes against your personal interests, and I'm saying if your personal interests take precedence over your relationship then that's your thing and not a statement of the value of marriage in general. It sounds to me, my personal opinion, that you're more concerned about what you'd lose in a marriage and maybe that's a good reason for you not to be married since you have doubts to its success.

I wasn't big on marriage a few years ago. I was perfectly content to spend many years being not married to Ian. And then one evening I was fuming mad on this very board, debating with a bunch of anti-gay marriage jackasses when Ian, reading on the couch nearby just up and asked "Hey, you wanna get married?"

It surprised me to say the least because I never entertained the idea (my own parents' marriage was a complete disaster) and I knew Ian wasn't very impressed with the marriages of friends. But I guess seeing my passion about the benefits of marriage, of the support from society and the law made him wonder if it would be good for us. I asked him to let me think on it for a bit and in a few weeks we started talking about it some more and the more we did the more sense it made. There weren't any doubts about where we would be five, ten, twenty years down the road, together of course, and the answer was only obvious.

I'll agree, it's not for everyone, but for us it's been great. We're like a team now. When faced with obstacles it's with the solid knowledge that we're facing them together and not just as individuals giving each other a helping hand. It's us versus whatever the world throws at us and you can't believe what a sense of strength and confidence that brings.

http://content.imagesocket.com/images/n822300000_697178_5466060.jpg (http://imagesocket.com/view/n822300000_697178_5466060.jpg)

And the reception totally kicked ass!

That's a beautiful picture.

The rainbow and the umbrella kind of makes me think of a Mary Poppins themed wedding. :)

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 01:07 PM
It seems your beef is with a few psychotic individuals with outrageous expectations than the institution of marriage itself. Not all women feel that way (I don't) and not everyone who is married gives a shit if you get married or have kids (all power to you dude). Just don't lump us into your justification as to why you can't find a chick who shares your world view.

Oh, I dont blame married people for that, I mean it's not the people themselves that are creating that perception, I more blame the media and Government who try to push the idea that every straight female and male needs to be married, have kids, etc.

Oh, and my Mom who cries everytime I say she will never have any Grandchildren running around :lol:

Pia Guerra
05-06-2008, 01:19 PM
That's a beautiful picture.

The rainbow and the umbrella kind of makes me think of a Mary Poppins themed wedding. :)

It was at Heritage Hall (behind us in the pic), an Edwardian era building that used to be a post office during WW II but we learned from a friend's dad, a retired RCMP officer that there was a secret room in the back where they interrogated nazi spies. It was too good to pass up for a theme so we got everyone to dress up for a film noir night. It was so fucking awesome.

Photos here. (http://www.hellkitty.com/reception.htm)

RegularJoe
05-06-2008, 01:28 PM
It's not security, it's commitment. It's saying to someone, I'm so sure that I want to spend my life with you, that I will do announce it in a binding legal arrangement in front of all of our friends and family. And if someone isn't willing to do that with me, why would I want to have children with them? And if they don't want to have children, then I'm not interested in any sort of long term relationship.

My mom has been married and divorced 3 times. My father was the second. They divorced when I was 12. He's also been married 3 times now. Though the 3rd seems to be sticking. I've seen failed marriages. But I've seen successful ones too. And if you get married because you're lonely, or because it's what you're supposed to do, or if it's part of your 'plan' for life to be married by 25 (I hear this from a lot of women), then it will probably end poorly. But sometimes you just want to make a commitment, and marriage is how that's done in our society.

when divorce wasn't just as easy, if not easier, to get as a divorce that meant something. but i don't care what a person wants to cry out to the world before a state sanctioned witness. just tell me. tell me, make me believe it, and that's all i need.

Ashwin Pande
05-06-2008, 01:33 PM
It was at Heritage Hall (behind us in the pic), an Edwardian era building that used to be a post office during WW II but we learned from a friend's dad, a retired RCMP officer that there was a secret room in the back where they interrogated nazi spies. It was too good to pass up for a theme so we got everyone to dress up for a film noir night. It was so fucking awesome.

Photos here. (http://www.hellkitty.com/reception.htm)

Ha! That is amazing!

I love that so many of your family and friends actually took so much care and dedication to dress the part so well! My cousin tried to do a tarzan and jane theme wedding here... but people just didn't get it. Him and his wife were the only ones in costume. No one else even bothered. :-?

That looks like so much fun. I love the guy dressed as Indiana Jones and the guy dressed as the RAF pilot (Biggles specifically?) both awesome costumes! The entire thing looks straight out of a 1930s British novel you know? Like an Agatha Christie book or something. Just very cool.

Thanks for sharing that.

Keith P.
05-06-2008, 01:40 PM
HOOKS, for someone in your personal and financial situation, at your age, I think marriage is a HUGE mistake.

You are young, you have money, and your looks, why tie yourself down. Enjoy life, and if you are dating someone who puts pressure on you to marry, dump her.

And when the looks go, you will still have the money.

Enjoy your success and the benefits you have reaped from hard work, and good decisions. No one else is entitled to it other than how you see fit.




For every friend I have who has a happy relationship, I have 5 who wished they had stayed single longer and are miserable.

Pia Guerra
05-06-2008, 01:49 PM
Ha! That is amazing!

I love that so many of your family and friends actually took so much care and dedication to dress the part so well! My cousin tried to do a tarzan and jane theme wedding here... but people just didn't get it. Him and his wife were the only ones in costume. No one else even bothered. :-?

That looks like so much fun. I love the guy dressed as Indiana Jones and the guy dressed as the RAF pilot (Biggles specifically?) both awesome costumes! The entire thing looks straight out of a 1930s British novel you know? Like an Agatha Christie book or something. Just very cool.

Thanks for sharing that.

You're welcome. As for the turn out of costumes, that surprised the heck out of us too. We thought a few would take us up on it but the majority really dug it. Also, I think what helped most was the invitation (http://www.hellkitty.com/invite.htm). I went a little overboard with it, designed it after a police investigation file, complete with metal binding strips, toe tags and an old photo of building paper-clipped inside. It really got across that we were intent on having a fun night.

Ashwin Pande
05-06-2008, 02:07 PM
You're welcome. As for the turn out of costumes, that surprised the heck out of us too. We thought a few would take us up on it but the majority really dug it. Also, I think what helped most was the invitation (http://www.hellkitty.com/invite.htm). I went a little overboard with it, designed it after a police investigation file, complete with metal binding strips, toe tags and an old photo of building paper-clipped inside. It really got across that we were intent on having a fun night.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record... that is very cool. The toe-tag RSVP's are genius. Even the am pm with the PM circled was a nice touch. Made it look totally like a real form. Very nicely done!

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 02:07 PM
HOOKS, for someone in your personal and financial situation, at your age, I think marriage is a HUGE mistake.

You are young, you have money, and your looks, why tie yourself down. Enjoy life, and if you are dating someone who puts pressure on you to marry, dump her.

And when the looks go, you will still have the money.

Enjoy your success and the benefits you have reaped from hard work, and good decisions. No one else is entitled to it other than how you see fit.




For every friend I have who has a happy relationship, I have 5 who wished they had stayed single longer and are miserable.

I do love how so many guys claim to be miserable and lonely, then they get into a relationship and they are miserable and lonely again.

We human beings are just completely screwed in the head :lol:

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 02:13 PM
HOOKS, for someone in your personal and financial situation, at your age, I think marriage is a HUGE mistake.

You are young, you have money, and your looks, why tie yourself down. Enjoy life, and if you are dating someone who puts pressure on you to marry, dump her.

And when the looks go, you will still have the money.

Enjoy your success and the benefits you have reaped from hard work, and good decisions. No one else is entitled to it other than how you see fit.




For every friend I have who has a happy relationship, I have 5 who wished they had stayed single longer and are miserable.

I do love how so many guys claim to be miserable and lonely, then they get into a relationship and they are miserable and lonely again.

We human beings are just completely screwed in the head :lol:

Ashwin Pande
05-06-2008, 02:17 PM
I do love how so many guys claim to be miserable and lonely, then they get into a relationship and they are miserable and lonely again.

We human beings are just completely screwed in the head :lol:

It really depends on the woman as well as the attitude the guys have.

I have a friend who was dating this really controlling girl. She wouldn't let him hangout with me because that would take time away from him hanging out with her. And because she'd let him touch her breasts from time to time he went along with it. I made the same offer but... he wisely refused. He dumped her now after much drama... including her saying at one point that he'd have to choose between his friends or her :roll:. Straight out of a bad tv show cliche she was.

Another guy I knew was dating two girls at once. Neither girl knew about the other. Both were kinda sweet girls. But the guy was an asshole. And he was still unhappy and would bitch about both the women he was with. I felt sorry for the girls. I kinda wanted to tell one of the girls who I knew... but couldn't. It's the Man code.

So you know... sometimes people are just idiots. Can be men, can be women.

Mylazycat
05-06-2008, 02:22 PM
http://content.imagesocket.com/images/n822300000_697178_5466060.jpg (http://imagesocket.com/view/n822300000_697178_5466060.jpg)

This photo melts my hardened heart. How happy you both look. :D

Joe Kalicki
05-06-2008, 02:22 PM
I've always wanted to get married and I still do.

But I don't want to marry just anyone, and that's the tricky part.

TheTravis!
05-06-2008, 02:35 PM
Oh, I dont blame married people for that, I mean it's not the people themselves that are creating that perception, I more blame the media and Government who try to push the idea that every straight female and male needs to be married, have kids, etc.

Oh, and my Mom who cries everytime I say she will never have any Grandchildren running around :lol:

As opposed to all of us here, who break out the party hats.

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 02:51 PM
As opposed to all of us here, who break out the party hats.

Eh, I know I could be a good dad, I just dont think the financial cost of children is worth it. Honestly.

If I had a choice and God or some other high power was holding a million dollars or what could be my future child. I would take the case of cash. I wouldnt even think about it.

Keith P.
05-06-2008, 02:51 PM
I have a rather indifferent attitude toward marriage. If you want it, go for it.


But I think all of the expensive fluff like big ceremonies, costly diamond and gold wedding rings, thousands of dollars on dresses etc is incredibly stupid and the people who buy into it are twits.

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 02:53 PM
It really depends on the woman as well as the attitude the guys have.

I have a friend who was dating this really controlling girl. She wouldn't let him hangout with me because that would take time away from him hanging out with her. And because she'd let him touch her breasts from time to time he went along with it. I made the same offer but... he wisely refused. He dumped her now after much drama... including her saying at one point that he'd have to choose between his friends or her :roll:. Straight out of a bad tv show cliche she was.

Another guy I knew was dating two girls at once. Neither girl knew about the other. Both were kinda sweet girls. But the guy was an asshole. And he was still unhappy and would bitch about both the women he was with. I felt sorry for the girls. I kinda wanted to tell one of the girls who I knew... but couldn't. It's the Man code.

So you know... sometimes people are just idiots. Can be men, can be women.

Part of it is the people in the relationship, but age plays a big part in it as well. Most people in their teens and early 20's really treat each other like shit when they are dating. There's a reason very few people actually end up marrying their high school sweetheart out of high school or college.

lonesomefool
05-06-2008, 02:56 PM
I have a rather indifferent attitude toward marriage. If you want it, go for it.


But I think all of the expensive fluff like big ceremonies, costly diamond and gold wedding rings, thousands of dollars on dresses etc is incredibly stupid and the people who buy into it are twits.

A local wedding shop closed recently and the dresses and everything were feared to be lost since the owner went MIA for a week or two. I remember the local news asking these brides what scared them most, losing their dress or losing the MONEY they spent on the dress, cake, etc.

2 out of the 4 answered the dress itself, that the money didnt matter.

2 of those guys has better get a good lawyer and a pre-nup....stat!!

:lol:

Joe Kalicki
05-06-2008, 03:00 PM
A local wedding shop closed recently and the dresses and everything were feared to be lost since the owner went MIA for a week or two. I remember the local news asking these brides what scared them most, losing their dress or losing the MONEY they spent on the dress, cake, etc.

2 out of the 4 answered the dress itself, that the money didnt matter.

2 of those guys has better get a good lawyer and a pre-nup....stat!!

:lol:

That's a stupid question. The money and dress are the same. They already spent the money on the dress, the money doesn't even factor in any more. They'd obviously all rather have the dress since they paid for it.

the loner
05-06-2008, 03:15 PM
You're welcome. As for the turn out of costumes, that surprised the heck out of us too. We thought a few would take us up on it but the majority really dug it. Also, I think what helped most was the invitation (http://www.hellkitty.com/invite.htm). I went a little overboard with it, designed it after a police investigation file, complete with metal binding strips, toe tags and an old photo of building paper-clipped inside. It really got across that we were intent on having a fun night.

That is beyond fun.:rock:

Pia Guerra
05-06-2008, 05:26 PM
That's a stupid question. The money and dress are the same. They already spent the money on the dress, the money doesn't even factor in any more. They'd obviously all rather have the dress since they paid for it.

The part you're missing about the dress itself is how much time is invested in finding the right one. The process can be very elaborate requiring several weeks of searching, fitting, tailoring and re-fitting, even the cheap ones. Those women who thought they'd were losing a dress probably wouldn't have minded getting their money back if they had the time to find a new one but If the wedding was that week they'd be completely hosed.

Doug O
05-06-2008, 06:35 PM
This is a great thread title. Classic Bendis Board.