Shecky J. O'Pootertoot
05-03-2008, 06:17 AM
Chapter 3
Jack Valenti's phone rang and he picked it up.
"Jack, I have aquired some bands for my record label and I want to rename them."
"What are their names?"
The head of Sony music told Valenti the names.
"Okay, write this down," Valenti said. "Coldplay will now be called Coldsore. The Rolling Stones will now be called The Rolling Stoned. U2 will be called U3. Ashley Simpson will be called Nose Job Whore. The Pussycat Dolls will be called the Pussy-Cunt Dolls. Madonna will be called Satan. Metallica will be called Shittallica. Motley Crue will be called Motley Motley. Disturbed will be called Perturbed. Radiohead will be called Videohead. Britney Spears will be called Shitney Spears. Beyoncé will be called Beyonté. Nickelback will be called Crippleback. Sting will be called Gordon Matthew Sumner. Ozzy Osborne will be called -"
"Hold on there, Jack. If you are going to rename the solo artists back to their Christan names, I don't think we should have to pay for that. I mean we can do that ourselves."
"Bullshit! You asked me to rename tham and I renamed them!"
"But-"
"Whose idea was it to use their birth names?"
"Yours."
"Case closed. I get real paid, motherfucker! ... Now to continue, Ozzy will be named ..."
Etc, etc.
Chapter One
Leonardo DeCaprio walked up to the door. The frosted glass pane had in neat black letters:
JACK VALENTI
PROFESSIONAL NAMER
DeCaprio went inside and told the receptionist he had an appointment. She said he could go right in and so he did.
“Mr. DeCaprio,” Valenti said. “Have a seat.”
Decaprio sat down.
“So you’re here for a name for your new movie…”
Valenti looked at his notes.
“What was the name you had in mind?”
“Blood Diamond, sir.”
“No, I don’t like that name. I was thinking Ass Diamond would be a better title.”
DeCaprio was immediately upset.
“Ass Diamond? I don’t see how that makes any sense at all.”
“Well, studies have shown that putting “ass” or “anal” in the title of a movie can boost sales.”
“That only applies to porn, Valenti!”
“I feel not in this case.”
“This is outrageous! We worked hard on that movie! This’ll make us a laughing stock. People are going to over look the issues.”
“Not my concern, DeCaprio. That’s the name. Take it or leave it.”
“I guess I don’t have a choice, do I?”
“You could can the movie and put it in a vault until I die. Otherwise, no.”
Decaprio got up to leave but Valenti stopped him.
“You know my services extend beyond just naming movies. Stage names, for instance. Might I suggest: DeCraprio?”
DeCaprio walked out the door.
“You can’t use DeCraprio unless you pay me!” Valenti shouted after him. “I trademarked it!”
Chapter Two
“Hello, Mr. Spielberg!”
“Hello, Jack. So, were you able to come up with a title for the movie yet?”
“Yes… Let me refresh my mind...”
Valenti looked over his notes.
“Extermination of the Jews, correct?”
“Well I like to think of it as more than that.”
“I don’t. So what name did you request?”
“Schindler’s List.”
“Hmmmm. I wasn’t really keen on that idea. I don’t think audiences will respond to it. I was thinking more along the lines of Schindler’s Ass Diamond.”
Spielberg exploded.
“What the fuck are you talking about??? Are you out of your fucking mind???”
“It’s a fair title, Mr. Spielberg. You’re lucky I didn’t call it Schindler’s Ass-Blood Diamond. Now good day and good luck with the movie.”
“You stupid, fucking ass! There is no movie. I can’t release it with a title like that!”
“Too bad. I think this one would have gotten you that Oscar.”
Spielberg slammed the door on his way out.
Jack Valenti's phone rang and he picked it up.
"Jack, I have aquired some bands for my record label and I want to rename them."
"What are their names?"
The head of Sony music told Valenti the names.
"Okay, write this down," Valenti said. "Coldplay will now be called Coldsore. The Rolling Stones will now be called The Rolling Stoned. U2 will be called U3. Ashley Simpson will be called Nose Job Whore. The Pussycat Dolls will be called the Pussy-Cunt Dolls. Madonna will be called Satan. Metallica will be called Shittallica. Motley Crue will be called Motley Motley. Disturbed will be called Perturbed. Radiohead will be called Videohead. Britney Spears will be called Shitney Spears. Beyoncé will be called Beyonté. Nickelback will be called Crippleback. Sting will be called Gordon Matthew Sumner. Ozzy Osborne will be called -"
"Hold on there, Jack. If you are going to rename the solo artists back to their Christan names, I don't think we should have to pay for that. I mean we can do that ourselves."
"Bullshit! You asked me to rename tham and I renamed them!"
"But-"
"Whose idea was it to use their birth names?"
"Yours."
"Case closed. I get real paid, motherfucker! ... Now to continue, Ozzy will be named ..."
Etc, etc.
Chapter One
Leonardo DeCaprio walked up to the door. The frosted glass pane had in neat black letters:
JACK VALENTI
PROFESSIONAL NAMER
DeCaprio went inside and told the receptionist he had an appointment. She said he could go right in and so he did.
“Mr. DeCaprio,” Valenti said. “Have a seat.”
Decaprio sat down.
“So you’re here for a name for your new movie…”
Valenti looked at his notes.
“What was the name you had in mind?”
“Blood Diamond, sir.”
“No, I don’t like that name. I was thinking Ass Diamond would be a better title.”
DeCaprio was immediately upset.
“Ass Diamond? I don’t see how that makes any sense at all.”
“Well, studies have shown that putting “ass” or “anal” in the title of a movie can boost sales.”
“That only applies to porn, Valenti!”
“I feel not in this case.”
“This is outrageous! We worked hard on that movie! This’ll make us a laughing stock. People are going to over look the issues.”
“Not my concern, DeCaprio. That’s the name. Take it or leave it.”
“I guess I don’t have a choice, do I?”
“You could can the movie and put it in a vault until I die. Otherwise, no.”
Decaprio got up to leave but Valenti stopped him.
“You know my services extend beyond just naming movies. Stage names, for instance. Might I suggest: DeCraprio?”
DeCaprio walked out the door.
“You can’t use DeCraprio unless you pay me!” Valenti shouted after him. “I trademarked it!”
Chapter Two
“Hello, Mr. Spielberg!”
“Hello, Jack. So, were you able to come up with a title for the movie yet?”
“Yes… Let me refresh my mind...”
Valenti looked over his notes.
“Extermination of the Jews, correct?”
“Well I like to think of it as more than that.”
“I don’t. So what name did you request?”
“Schindler’s List.”
“Hmmmm. I wasn’t really keen on that idea. I don’t think audiences will respond to it. I was thinking more along the lines of Schindler’s Ass Diamond.”
Spielberg exploded.
“What the fuck are you talking about??? Are you out of your fucking mind???”
“It’s a fair title, Mr. Spielberg. You’re lucky I didn’t call it Schindler’s Ass-Blood Diamond. Now good day and good luck with the movie.”
“You stupid, fucking ass! There is no movie. I can’t release it with a title like that!”
“Too bad. I think this one would have gotten you that Oscar.”
Spielberg slammed the door on his way out.