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Kenneth I. Wolfe
06-02-2005, 06:11 PM
A moment ago I had a lousy thought, what I were die tomorrow? To add insult to injury (this isn't a plug, B-rose), I realized that I have not yet planned my funeral. I guess most people want the average funeral where their corpse get an ego boost by all those mourners. I on the other hand, don't want it to be like that. See, I'm generally an asshole when it comes to other people. I'll admit that I haven't treated my friends and family very well and I think the perfect time to get back at me is when I'm dead. Cause I won't be there to care.

So here are my funeral plans:

1. Before someone can join everybody else at the wake, they have to write in the Guest Book. Nice things are allowed, but abuse is encouraged. Like, "I know about your 3 inch erect prick" (which is not true)

2. As a person walks into the mourning room they are greeted by a waiter who will ask "Cheese and crackers?" "Refreshments?" and "Oh, and that stiff is ugly, was it your friend?"

3. Each person will have a chance to spend time at my casket to pray, say nice things, and spit on my face. Kleenex will be available.

4. People will get a chance to talk quietly, get phone numbers and discover how much I've slept around. Not much different from any other funeral.

5. After the wake is over, they will leave me and my casket in an empty dark room with a open door so necro-fuckers can screw my eyes out. In fact, put up flyers advertising my exposure!

6. The next morning a cleaning lady will hose off the smell.

7. My friends tie me up a tree and play Pinata! Never had one at a birthday party, why not at my funeral?

8. Since my friends already went through all that trouble to hanging me up, they will play Pinata over my open grave. When my dad (it'll be rigged) gives the final hit, the string holding me will snap and drop me into the coffin 6 feet below.

9. Because I'm atheist, instead of a prayer, I'll just have people piss into the open grave.

10. A dump truck will bury me with manure. Feel free to shit in anytime.

11. People will light the hills of manure on fire and wait for someone to stomp it out.

Well, that's it for me. What's your dream funeral? Remember; there's always a "fun" in "funerals."