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thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 07:29 AM
Because Steve Martin is great! One of my favorites, not quite word for word, but what I remember:

"I have some hostages, and they are tied up in a sack at the top of a flag pole. I'm going to blow them up at midnight, unless I get these three demands: ONE! I want a million dollars! TWO: I want a getaway car waiting for me! and THREE: I want the letter M stricken from the English language. See, you have to make one crazy demand, so if they catch you, you can plead insanity. Heh, heh, getaway car."

RebootedCorpse
11-30-2007, 07:32 AM
"I met a girl and she had the best pussy..."

Roger
11-30-2007, 07:32 AM
l.a. story

:)

greg donovan
11-30-2007, 07:33 AM
i know it isnt a stand up routine but his performance as Rupricht in DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS was brilliant.

AAlgar
11-30-2007, 07:34 AM
"My real name is Blbdbldbldbl."

Shane W
11-30-2007, 07:36 AM
"I met a girl and she had the best pussy..."

Oh now come on!!!!

thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 07:36 AM
"A lot of people ask me, Steve, how can you be so fuckin' funny?"

Shane W
11-30-2007, 07:39 AM
I pretty much had the entire Wild and Crazy Guy album memorized back in the early 80s. I had it on 8-track and is the only 8-track I ever owned.

AutumnHeart
11-30-2007, 07:40 AM
l.a. story

:)

:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

AutumnHeart
11-30-2007, 07:41 AM
The Grandmother Song

Ashwin Pande
11-30-2007, 07:53 AM
I've forgotten most of Wild and Crazy guy and some of the other albums I've heard. But they were awesome and hilarious! I never found King Tut very funny though.

Shane W
11-30-2007, 07:55 AM
I've forgotten most of Wild and Crazy guy and some of the other albums I've heard. But they were awesome and hilarious! I never found King Tut very funny though.

He's my favorite honky!!

thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 08:10 AM
"He's wearing loafers!! No laces in his shoes! BORN TO BE WIIIIIIILLLLD!"

joespam
11-30-2007, 08:20 AM
l.a. story

:)Steve Martin's trifecta:

All of Me
Roxanne
L.A. Story

With runner-up
Little Shop of Horrors

My 2 favorite bits done from memory, so it's probably off:

"Whenever you're around kids, talk wrong.

Then when they get into school, the teacher will say "How are you doing today, Johnny." And he'll say "My mama dogface banana patch."
Get that kid out of here; put him in a 'special' class."

------------------------------

"'I forgot.' Two little words that can get you out of a lot of trouble.
I forgot ... that robbing banks was against the law."

Rafiennes
11-30-2007, 08:30 AM
Ode to My Woman

When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins, and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I've put some of my feelings into this little ode.

Every man needs a woman, and I need you --
to lift me when I am sad,
to comfort me when I am down,
to clean me when I am drunk,
to walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay,
to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak,
to kiss me when I am horny,
to massage me when I am tense and/or horny,
to make me horny when I am not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you darling to clean between my toes when they are not cleaned to my satisfaction,
to pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice,
to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date,
to be there when I need you to be there, and to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you -- because I don't want to lose half my stuff. And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this [pointing to ring finger where there is no wedding ring] to remind me --[realizes the ring is not there] sorry [and hides hand].

Goodnight, my love.

dougmac
11-30-2007, 08:35 AM
the SNL monologue when he decided to really trey and not just phone it in was a riot. The rest of the episode didnt live up to it, but the opening was great.

Shane W
11-30-2007, 03:03 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bI--TGQGNFc

Buk Was Right
11-30-2007, 03:05 PM
Anything with the Banjo.

thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 03:06 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bI--TGQGNFc

"It's not easy to get the air to curl up in your lungs like that." Good God, makes me friggin' laugh.

PhilipClark
11-30-2007, 03:06 PM
...

...

...what the HELL is that?

...what the hell IS it?

...WHAT the hell is that?

...what the hell is it?

...what the hell is THAT?

Oh, I know what it is...

...

...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??

Ben
11-30-2007, 03:08 PM
I like the one where he has the arrow through his head because, like, how did he get that in there?!

Travis M. Bierwagen
11-30-2007, 03:08 PM
Grandpaaa bought a rubber!

thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 03:17 PM
"I no longer have a private life? I read something about myself the other day in the National Inquirer I could not believe! I mean, so what if I have this thing on my balls!"

thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 03:18 PM
Anything with the Banjo.

I always wanted to learn how to play the banjo, but those things are expensive. My uncle has one and taught me some of the basics of it.

Adrian B AWESOME
11-30-2007, 03:21 PM
Let's get Small is very funny, but basically all of his material on Wild and Crazy Guy is genius.


One of my favorite lines is "Yeah, we just flew into the airport on our new vehicle. It's not easy landing a station wagon on the runway." It's just so stupid yet brilliant, like all of his standup.

I also like "What if you died and went to Heaven, you know? With all the pearly gates? (beat) Wouldn't you feel stupid? OH NOOOOOOOOO. You mean this is my..AWWWWWWWW! In college they said this was all bullshit. Huh? You've been keeping records of me? Aw, I haven't been so bad. How many times have I taken the Lord's name in vein? Ew....million six? Jesus Chr..."

nick maynard
11-30-2007, 04:58 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9U6cNlThG0

i had never seen this before, but its really perfect.

thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 05:13 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9U6cNlThG0

i had never seen this before, but its really perfect.

:lol:

AAlgar
11-30-2007, 05:16 PM
Steve Martin's trifecta:

All of Me
Roxanne
L.A. Story

That'd be my list too, except instead of All of Me, I'd have The Jerk. Instead of Roxanne, I'd have The Man with Two Brains. And instead of LA Story, I'd have Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.

Otherwise, spot on.

thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 05:20 PM
That'd be my list too, except instead of All of Me, I'd have The Jerk. Instead of Roxanne, I'd have The Man with Two Brains. And instead of LA Story, I'd have Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.

Otherwise, spot on.

Well, thats not like his list at all! It's like an entirely DIFFERENT list!!

AAlgar
11-30-2007, 05:22 PM
Well, thats not like his list at all! It's like an entirely DIFFERENT list!!

It's like those French people have a different word for EVERYTHING!

thatguyfromsyracuse
11-30-2007, 05:23 PM
It's like those French people have a different word for EVERYTHING!

:lol:

Adrian B AWESOME
11-30-2007, 06:21 PM
It's like those French people have a different word for EVERYTHING!

"What's your mood watch say?"

"Yeah, I remember my first beer."

Shane W
11-30-2007, 06:23 PM
"What's your mood watch say?"

"Yeah, I remember my first beer."


I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

RebootedCorpse
11-30-2007, 06:26 PM
"Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid"=genus!

Adrian B AWESOME
11-30-2007, 06:26 PM
I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

I need a pair of kitty handcuffs and I need them right away!


...

And you can't take 'em back cause they've got SPIT all over them...I mean, suuuure they're fun! Like the little mouse with the string attached to it? A HA HA AH HA HA! Go crazy every time it goes under the sofa. WATCHIT!!~

Shane W
11-30-2007, 06:43 PM
I need a pair of kitty handcuffs and I need them right away!


...

And you can't take 'em back cause they've got SPIT all over them...I mean, suuuure they're fun! Like the little mouse with the string attached to it? A HA HA AH HA HA! Go crazy every time it goes under the sofa. WATCHIT!!~

He kept wanting her to sing... From her DIAPHRAGM! Well that would take YEARS to learn that, wouldn't that?

Adrian B AWESOME
11-30-2007, 06:46 PM
"You don't want to go to somewhere that's like "FRED'S BANK." Hi, I'm Fred. I have a bank."

Shane W
11-30-2007, 06:47 PM
"You don't want to go to somewhere that's like "FRED'S BANK." Hi, I'm Fred. I have a bank."

You got fifteen hundred? I'll put it here.. Here inmywhitesuit.

Adrian B AWESOME
11-30-2007, 06:54 PM
You got fifteen hundred? I'll put it here.. Here inmywhitesuit.

God, I've listened to the album twice tonight.

This was the first comedy album I ever heard. I was 8. It was my dad's. My parents forgot he said fuck and were worried when I was asking about diaphragms.

MIKE D
11-30-2007, 07:07 PM
God, I've listened to the album twice tonight.

This was the first comedy album I ever heard. I was 8. It was my dad's. My parents forgot he said fuck and were worried when I was asking about diaphragms.

Mine too. I'm surprised by how much of it I remember from you guys talking about.

Dr. Omega
04-17-2008, 11:30 PM
".. so now it's his first day at school and the teacher calls on him and he says, "Mayambo dogface to the banana patch?"

and the ever funny:

"I'd like a shoe with cheese on it, force it down my throat, and I want to massage your grandmother."

Adrian B AWESOME
04-18-2008, 03:25 AM
I'm so mad at my mother! She calls me up and asks for $10 for some FOOD.

And I said "HEY! I WORK FOR A LIVING!"

Shane W
04-18-2008, 04:53 AM
This doesn't happen very often, but I met a girl, and she had the best pussy I have ever... Oh now Come On!

Ashwin Pande
04-18-2008, 04:59 AM
Sometimes... Sometimes...

Sometimes I like to wear Men's underwear...

Akira
04-18-2008, 05:17 AM
"Yeah, I think I can come up with something better!" (http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=tWNLhptltBg)

Jumbopimp
04-18-2008, 05:27 AM
It's hard to be sad when playing the banjo... I think the banjo was the only thing that could've saved Nixon.

In college they teach us all the philosophical questions. Like is it wrong to yell "movie" in a fire house.

Jumbopimp
04-18-2008, 05:28 AM
Sorry Double Post

Adrian B AWESOME
04-18-2008, 07:34 AM
"I'm depressed....thinking about my old girlfriend...

We were together for like, 3 yeras, and I remember her laugh, bceause she would come to the shows...I guess I miss her.

...She isn't LIVING now.

You think that's funny?

I guess I kind of blame myself for her death.

We were at a party one night and were fighting and she began to drink. She ran out to the car and I followed her out and I guess I didn't realize how much she had to drink, and she wanted to drive her home.

And I refused.

We got a little bit further and she me "would you please drive me home," and I didn't want to, so I shot her.

With a Shotgun. *poosh* Cut her right in half.

*chuckles*"

TomBelandTSSTG
04-18-2008, 07:50 AM
Ugggghhh... I'm so mad at my mother....

I don't know, she's 110 years old. The other day she calls me up to ask me for TEN DOLLARS for some FOOD.










I say "HEY... I WORK FOR A LIVING."





So I lend her the money, I had my secretary run it over, and now she calls me up and tells me she can't pay me back for a while.











I said "what IS this bullshit, huh??"







So I worked it out with her and I'm having her work on my transmission. And when she's done with that, I'm having her move my barbells up to the attic.













I was fortunate enough to have been in the audience at the Boarding House in San Francisco during one of the shows he performed for his "Let's Get Small" album. He was the weirdest thing I'd ever seen on stage and he KILLED. I've followed everything he's done since... my favorite entertainer of all time.

Go read this book. It's a great read:

http://vendoralley.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/steve-martin-book.jpg

Adrian B AWESOME
04-18-2008, 08:29 AM
Ugggghhh... I'm so mad at my mother....

I don't know, she's 110 years old. The other day she calls me up to ask me for TEN DOLLARS for some FOOD.










I say "HEY... I WORK FOR A LIVING."





So I lend her the money, I had my secretary run it over, and now she calls me up and tells me she can't pay me back for a while.











I said "what IS this bullshit, huh??"







So I worked it out with her and I'm having her work on my transmission. And when she's done with that, I'm having her move my barbells up to the attic.













I was fortunate enough to have been in the audience at the Boarding House in San Francisco during one of the shows he performed for his "Let's Get Small" album. He was the weirdest thing I'd ever seen on stage and he KILLED. I've followed everything he's done since... my favorite entertainer of all time.

Go read this book. It's a great read:

http://vendoralley.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/steve-martin-book.jpg


The audiobook version of this is stellar.

nihilance
04-18-2008, 08:30 AM
The audiobook version of this is stellar.

agreed

Drkemerld73
04-18-2008, 08:45 AM
I've heard mixed things about the book...

Dr. Hackenbush
04-18-2008, 08:55 AM
It's not really a routine, but I always liked "Dave And Steve's Gay Vacation" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7ZSWfwDWDs).

Rod Nunley
04-18-2008, 10:13 AM
His "If I could have one thing this Christmas" bit from SNL is by far the funniest thing ever done about the holidays.

danlomb
04-18-2008, 10:30 AM
Three Amigos.

'Nuff.

Said.

Shane W
04-18-2008, 10:32 AM
Three Amigos.

'Nuff.

Said.


Yeah, that's kind of not it completely.

Adrian B AWESOME
04-18-2008, 10:39 AM
Demonoid's got a collection of 5 different Steve Martin shows, 3 of which I've heard of, 1 I've never heard of, and a bootleg that, while lacking in quality, is still awesome.

chess
04-18-2008, 10:50 AM
Oh now come on!!!!

That cat was the best fuck I ever had.

Ashwin Pande
04-18-2008, 10:52 AM
Demonoid's got a collection of 5 different Steve Martin shows, 3 of which I've heard of, 1 I've never heard of, and a bootleg that, while lacking in quality, is still awesome.

Demonoid's back??


I mean... uhh...

What's demonoid? Where am I? Who are all you people?!

Get out of my living room!!

Adrian B AWESOME
04-18-2008, 10:53 AM
Oh come on, I wasn't so bad. How many times did I take the Lord's name in vain?

Eww, a million six...Jesus Chr...

Wubbs
04-18-2008, 12:43 PM
"I was born a poor black child..."