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View Full Version : Should one keep close friends of the same sex as your partner when in a relationship?



Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 05:49 AM
Or, for those of you who are gay, keep your same sex friends?

If so, how close can yourself and this friend be? Just talking on the phone? Having drinks? Going out to movies or hanging out and watching movies? Going to concerts? Day trips?

This came up at work when the quality control manager, who is 27, said that once her and a man have officially entered into a relationship and it is no longer the dating stage, she fully expects him to drop all his female friends.

"Even if he's been friends with them for over 10 years?" someone asked. "Yes," she said. "Even if they've been friends since pre-school?" they inquired. "Yes," she said. "The only other females besides me he can be close with are his Mom, sisters, Aunt and cousins. When I'm in a relationship, my Dad is the only other man I talk to on a regular basis. Except Matt, but he's gay."

This prompted another person to say, "God, I hate it when this happens. I'm good friends with someone, we do stuff all the time then they get in a relationship and that's it, they cut everything off with me and I never hear from them again."

And on the debate went.

While I didn't say it at work, I think that anyone, male or female, who feels like the quality control lady does has got to be very insecure and have a big issue with trust. Do you think that your partner has that little self control that just by hanging around with person X they'll be tempted to drop their pants?

What do you guys think of the issue of having or keeping close friends of the same sex as your spouse, mate, boyfriend or girlfriend?

DAVE
07-05-2007, 05:50 AM
That's retarded.

Jef UK
07-05-2007, 05:51 AM
That's riddled with sypholis.

Marc Lombardi
07-05-2007, 05:52 AM
My wife's best friend is a guy and I'm 100% cool with it. Actually, her ratio of guy friends to girl friends is probably 5:1.

As long as that "friend" doesn't have other interests in mind it's fine. Friendship is freindship and relationships shouldn't come between that.

Trust shouldn't be a problem but if it is, you need to talk about it with the concerned parties.

I had an ex who I stayed really close friends with for YEARS. But when she started disrespecting my wife (at the time we were just engaged) and did sneaky things like sending a Christmas card only to ME and not to both of us...I cut it off and called her on it. She "apologized" but continued to do the same sort of crap and I never spoke to her since. I like to cut off drama at the source.

Ben
07-05-2007, 05:52 AM
It depends.

nihilance
07-05-2007, 05:52 AM
That's dumb. I can maybe see not striking up new close friendships since you really shouldn't get the opportunity once you are with someone, but to disavow friends that predate your relationship is fairly immature on your significant other's part.

DAVE
07-05-2007, 05:52 AM
That's riddled with sypholis.

That's awash in smallpox.

mattbrand
07-05-2007, 05:54 AM
That's dumb. I can maybe see not striking up new close friendships since you really shouldn't get the opportunity once you are with someone, but to disavow friends that predate your relationship is fairly immature on your significant other's part.

I totally agree.

ClintP
07-05-2007, 05:57 AM
I don't like having friends that are the other sex so that it never becomes a problem. I will be friends at work, but I damn sure don't want to go hang out with some chick without my wife. To me, that is just disrespectful. I expect it to be the same way with her, or any other girl I met when I was dating.

Does this mean you should be this way? No, but it is how I am wired.

Besides, I only can handle 3-4 good true friends. Any more than that, and I feel I don't have enough time to spread around like I should to keep the friendships going.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 05:57 AM
My relationship status doesn't have anything to do with whom I'm friends with, as it shouldn't.

Ben
07-05-2007, 05:59 AM
What if it makes your girlfriend uncomfortable when you go out with your female friend a lot? Is it okay just to see this friend in groups? Where's the line drawn?

RegularJoe
07-05-2007, 06:01 AM
i've had some really good prospective relationships stop dead in the tracks over this. An overwhelming majority of my friends are female. I won't give up spending time with them for anyone. In the dating setting, I've had women talk about how that's a problem for them. With a great deal of tact and charm, I make it clear that it's not likely to change at any point in the near or distant future.

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 06:01 AM
That's dumb. I can maybe see not striking up new close friendships since you really shouldn't get the opportunity once you are with someone, but to disavow friends that predate your relationship is fairly immature on your significant other's part.

Not to mention pretty damn selfish.

"I love you and care about you - now drop contact with everyone my sex in your life who aren't family."

Bill?
07-05-2007, 06:02 AM
it might sound a little old fashioned, but who needs their girlfriend hanging around with some dude all the time. thats how all the 143 bullshit gets started.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 06:02 AM
What if it makes your girlfriend uncomfortable when you go out with your female friend a lot? Is it okay just to see this friend in groups? Where's the line drawn?

Then that's a problem the girlfriend has to get over. If it's a trust issue with the relationship, then it's really not about other people at all, is it?

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:03 AM
Not to mention pretty damn selfish.

"I love you and care about you - now drop contact with everyone my sex in your life who aren't family."Yeah, maybe dropping contact is silly. But what about limited the types of contact? Like no pseudo-dates (one-on-one) with the friends of the opposite sex?

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:04 AM
Then that's a problem the girlfriend has to get over. If it's a trust issue with the relationship, then it's really not about other people at all, is it?What if it's not about trust, it's just about what makes the other person comfortable or uncomfortable? Shouldn't you care how your girlfriend feels? I think a "get over it" attitude is just as immature as "drop all your friends."

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 06:06 AM
Eh, her insecurities will kill the relationship anyway.

Part of it depends who your hanging out with as well, if all your female friends are strippers, then she has a point.

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 06:07 AM
What if it's not about trust, it's just about what makes the other person comfortable or uncomfortable? Shouldn't you care how your girlfriend feels? I think a "get over it" attitude is just as immature as "drop all your friends."

Saying "I dont want you hanging out with Jill anymore" is different than "I dont want you hanging around ANY females". The first is pretty typical in any relationship, the latter just shows insecurity and trust issues.

DAVE
07-05-2007, 06:08 AM
What if it's not about trust, it's just about what makes the other person comfortable or uncomfortable? Shouldn't you care how your girlfriend feels? I think a "get over it" attitude is just as immature as "drop all your friends."

A sign of a mature stable relationship is if both parties can work to make each other comfortable. If my girlfriend was uncomfortable with me remaning good friends with a girl, I'd make sure my girlfriend got comfortable with the idea. But that doesn't mean I'd drop a friend.
I'd talk to my girlfriend. I'd have us all hang out together. I'd work on getting them to be friends, etc.
If both people cared about me (which I'd hope my good friend and girlfriend would) than they would do this.

Blandy vs Terrorism
07-05-2007, 06:09 AM
I'd dump her.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 06:10 AM
What if it's not about trust, it's just about what makes the other person comfortable or uncomfortable? Shouldn't you care how your girlfriend feels? I think a "get over it" attitude is just as immature as "drop all your friends."

I think the only reason a girlfriend would feel insecure is because there's a lack of trust or respect in the relationships, which is a completely different problem. A girlfriend not wanting her boyfriend to socialize with females (or vice versa) is just a sign of a much larger problem.

RegularJoe
07-05-2007, 06:10 AM
What if it's not about trust, it's just about what makes the other person comfortable or uncomfortable? Shouldn't you care how your girlfriend feels? I think a "get over it" attitude is just as immature as "drop all your friends."

don't hang out with anyone you wouldn't feel totally comfortable without having the girlfriend right there. but most relationships aren't going to last as long as friendships. so i see no need to show more devotion to the girl i met in the last 3 months than the ones that have been in my life the last 10 years.

at least initially.

JackBauer
07-05-2007, 06:10 AM
This is bullshit, every woman that expects you to drop all your female friends when you become a couple is not worth dating.
Plus, you are a bad friend to your friends if you let that happen.
A realtionship is built on trust if I can't expect my partner to go out with friends of the other sex without him/her getting in bed with one of them, there's no sense in having that relationship at all.

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 06:11 AM
Then that's a problem the girlfriend has to get over. If it's a trust issue with the relationship, then it's really not about other people at all, is it?

Right, becuase in this scenario, the girlfriend perceives or fears that eventually the guy will one day be in love or have sex with the friend. Does she trust that he loves and respects her enough to not do this?

I understand wanting to meet all of someone's needs, making them the center of your world and wanting to be the center of theirs, but at the same time it's not fair to declare, "Now that we're in love, your life as you knew it before me is over."

silverboy
07-05-2007, 06:12 AM
A sign of a mature stable relationship is if both parties can work to make each other comfortable. If my girlfriend was uncomfortable with me remaning good friends with a girl, I'd make sure my girlfriend got comfortable with the idea. But that doesn't mean I'd drop a friend.
I'd talk to my girlfriend. I'd have us all hang out together. I'd work on getting them to be friends, etc.
If both people cared about me (which I'd hope my good friend and girlfriend would) than they would do this.

When I first started dating my current girlfriend, she wasn't comfortable with the fact that I'm very good friends with my ex-girlfriend. Once we all started hanging out together and they got to know each other, though, she's fine now.

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:13 AM
I think the only reason a girlfriend would feel insecure is because there's a lack of trust or respect in the relationships, which is a completely different problem. A girlfriend not wanting her boyfriend to socialize with females (or vice versa) is just a sign of a much larger problem.Well, I completely disagree. You can trust a person and still be uncomfortable (esp. if you don't trust the friend). Personally, I've limited contact with my female friends once they got boyfriends because certain kinds of interactions were no longer appropriate. It seems disrespectful to me for a boyfriend to be going out with other women that are not his girlfriend.

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:14 AM
Right, becuase in this scenario, the girlfriend perceives or fears that eventually the guy will one day be in love or have sex with the friend. Does she trust that he loves and respects her enough to not do this?

I understand wanting to meet all of someone's needs, making them the center of your world and wanting to be the center of theirs, but at the same time it's not fair to declare, "Now that we're in love, your life as you knew it before me is over."That's why you compromise. You don't dump the friends, but maybe no more dinner & a movie dates with just the two of you.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 06:16 AM
Well, I completely disagree. You can trust a person and still be uncomfortable (esp. if you don't trust the friend). Personally, I've limited contact with my female friends once they got boyfriends because certain kinds of interactions were no longer appropriate. It seems disrespectful to me for a boyfriend to be going out with other women that are not his girlfriend.

Why does it matter if you don't trust the friend, as long as you trust your boy/girlfriend? Would you date somebody so weak-willed that they could be seduced by somebody else? Would you date somebody that would let themselves be seduced by somebody else? Again, just a sign of a larger problem. At the end of the day, being friends with people has nothing to do with respect of your boy/girlfriend.

Now, if you're spending way more time with your friends (same sex or not) than your boy/girlfriend, that's a problem with respect.

I go out with female friends all the time. We get ice cream, grab food, take walks. Just like I'd do with any friends. There's nothing potentially sexually or disrespectful about it.

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 06:17 AM
Well, I completely disagree. You can trust a person and still be uncomfortable (esp. if you don't trust the friend). Personally, I've limited contact with my female friends once they got boyfriends because certain kinds of interactions were no longer appropriate. It seems disrespectful to me for a boyfriend to be going out with other women that are not his girlfriend.

Same here, the last thing I want is to be blamed for ANY problems in a relationship. Hell, I have even cut down on seeing guy friends once they have a girlfriend. The last thing I want is for someone to drop their friday night plans with their girlfriend, to go drinking with me.

RegularJoe
07-05-2007, 06:19 AM
Well, I completely disagree. You can trust a person and still be uncomfortable (esp. if you don't trust the friend).

i've always had a problem with this logic.

if you totally trust the person you're dating, but don't trust the person she's hanging out with...what's the problem? sure, hate the dude. loathe him with every fiber of your being. distrust everything about him. but if you trust HER, then nothing will happen.

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:20 AM
i've always had a problem with this logic.

if you totally trust the person you're dating, but don't trust the person she's hanging out with...what's the problem? sure, hate the dude. loathe him with every fiber of your being. distrust everything about him. but if you trust HER, then nothing will happen.You can still feel uncomfortable with the situation.

Bill Nolan
07-05-2007, 06:21 AM
Well, I completely disagree. You can trust a person and still be uncomfortable (esp. if you don't trust the friend). Personally, I've limited contact with my female friends once they got boyfriends because certain kinds of interactions were no longer appropriate. It seems disrespectful to me for a boyfriend to be going out with other women that are not his girlfriend.

I don't think I've ever before agreed with Ben as much as I do in this thread. It's a little intimidating.

The behavior outlined in the first post? Those are called "dates"...

Foolish Mortal
07-05-2007, 06:23 AM
Yeah, she definitely has trust issues. She wants to be female numero uno in the man's life. She excludes female relatives, but I bet she'd probably be jealous of them too if they're close.

Men can be like this too. I used to know a dude that pretty much delivered ultimatums to his girlfriends that they couldn't have any male friends, and he'd blow his stack if she even looked in the direction of another guy. The dude was nuts. I bet he's still single now.

RegularJoe
07-05-2007, 06:24 AM
You can still feel uncomfortable with the situation.

absolutely. by that doesn't mean you should have any say in whether or not the two of them can hang out.

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:32 AM
absolutely. by that doesn't mean you should have any say in whether or not the two of them can hang out.But maybe your girlfriend should have some respect for your feelings (since she's supposed to love you?) and limit the kind of contact she has with these "friends."

Plus, as guys, let's stop pretending that these guys your gf is hanging out with don't want to have sex with her. They're really just waiting for an opportunity (like a fight in the relationship).

/(. . )/
07-05-2007, 06:34 AM
Good question.

In Japanese culture, one is expected not to see people of the opposite sex while in a relationship.

I always make female friends, so this has been a real problem for me. Also, I slept with most of my friends last year :scared:

I'm really close with my newest ex. My girlfriend at first was cool, but now is extremely jealous. My ex and I are like family and we love each other very much.

Her new boyfriend is a Muslim from Pakistan. He has a completely different dating culture (asked to wed on the first day). Now, he is demanding that she not speak to any male friends, even those from preschool. But she is saying, "accept me or lose me." She said that she can put up with it because secretly she wants someone to love only her.

So, it depends on the person, it depends on the culture.

My girlfriend's best friend is her ex. It doesn't bother me at all. Our relationship must be based off of trust. I would never ask a partner to stop seeing her friends. I think it's a result of insecurity. Unfortunately, those are the rules in this society.:sad:

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:36 AM
But she is saying, "except me or lose me." She said that she can put up with it because secretly she wants someone to love only her.
I'd choose 'lose.' Using the wrong form of accept/except is a dealbreaker for me.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 06:36 AM
But maybe your girlfriend should have some respect for your feelings (since she's supposed to love you?) and limit the kind of contact she has with these "friends."

Plus, as guys, let's stop pretending that these guys your gf is hanging out with don't want to have sex with her. They're really just waiting for an opportunity (like a fight in the relationship).

Wow. So are you, as a guy, just waiting to fuck every woman you know?

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:38 AM
Wow. So are you, as a guy, just waiting to fuck every woman you know?Well, not right now because I'm in a relationship. But when I'm single, I tend to only stay close friends with women that I'd fuck given the opportunity. I think that's pretty typical for men. There are some exceptions.

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 06:38 AM
But maybe your girlfriend should have some respect for your feelings (since she's supposed to love you?) and limit the kind of contact she has with these "friends."

Plus, as guys, let's stop pretending that these guys your gf is hanging out with don't want to have sex with her. They're really just waiting for an opportunity (like a fight in the relationship).

Agreed, I wouldnt want my girlfriend (if I ever decide to settle down) going on numerous, one on one dates at romantic spots with a guy friend.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 06:39 AM
Well, not right now because I'm in a relationship. But when I'm single, I tend to only stay close friends with women that I'd fuck given the opportunity. I think that's pretty typical for men. There are some exceptions.

Then you shouldn't have female friends, period.

RegularJoe
07-05-2007, 06:40 AM
But maybe your girlfriend should have some respect for your feelings (since she's supposed to love you?) and limit the kind of contact she has with these "friends."

Plus, as guys, let's stop pretending that these guys your gf is hanging out with don't want to have sex with her. They're really just waiting for an opportunity (like a fight in the relationship).

i totally disagree with that. i'm not waiting around to have sex with my female friends. whether they're single, in a relationship, or whatever i'm not going after them with that agenda. i've actively turned down the change to hook up with more than a few of them for a variety of reasons (them being drunk, in the midst of a fight with their BF, etc.).

and, at most, i would expect her to understand that i don't like this dude and be okay if i'm a bit surly at the notion of her going out with him. but not hang out with him because of me? that would make me horrible.

TheKraken
07-05-2007, 06:41 AM
I wouldn't date a girl who couldn't accept my friends, and many of my friends are women. Simple. If the girls I hang out with are going to make her feel jealous or insecure, dating her is a waste of time. I've dated girls who hung out with a lot of guys (one even best friends with her most recent ex-), and in most cases I ended up becoming friends with the guys, too. I'm still friends with my first ex's best friend actually, much to her dismay, I think. :) That's just another factor to consider when entering into a relationship. If you end up with some clingy insecure person who wants you to choose between him/her and your friends, you've no one to blame but yourself.

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 06:41 AM
Wow. So are you, as a guy, just waiting to fuck every woman you know?

Just the attractive ones ;-)


I think a lot of single guys who are close friends with females, are attracted to them and thusly they are friends with them. Not all, of course, some guys can have 20 female friends and not want to sleep with one of them, but I know a lot of guys who try to start out as friends with women, in hopes something more will happen.

artimoff
07-05-2007, 06:42 AM
Lykis 101 - When a man & a woman are friends, one of them wants to fuck the other. If a woman has a bunch of male friends it means that they're just waiting for the boyfriend to slip up so they can move in.

It's human nature to want to fuck people you like.

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 06:43 AM
That's why you compromise. You don't dump the friends, but maybe no more dinner & a movie dates with just the two of you.

What if Jill and Bob have been best friends for over 15 years and every Wednesday they go see a movie, any movie, even if it's crap, then afterwards have coffee and discuss or bitch about the movie? It's good, harmless fun. No kisses, no holding hands, no sex, no arm around each other at the movies. This still ok now that Bob is seeing Jenna or Jill is seeing Tom?

RegularJoe
07-05-2007, 06:43 AM
Agreed, I wouldnt want my girlfriend (if I ever decide to settle down) going on numerous, one on one dates at romantic spots with a guy friend.


it blows my mind that there are people who cannot fathom the concept of two people of the opposite sex going somewhere together and it not being a date.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 06:45 AM
Lykis 101 - When a man & a woman are friends, one of them wants to fuck the other. If a woman has a bunch of male friends it means that they're just waiting for the boyfriend to slip up so they can move in.

It's human nature to want to fuck people you like.

:roll:

artimoff
07-05-2007, 06:45 AM
What if Jill and Bob have been best friends for over 15 years and every Wednesday they go see a movie, any movie, even if it's crap, then afterwards have coffee and discuss or bitch about the movie? It's good, harmless fun. No kisses, no holding hands, no sex, no arm around each other at the movies. This still ok now that Bob is seeing Jenna or Jill is seeing Tom?

They can double date.

Ben
07-05-2007, 06:45 AM
:roll:
Continue living in denial.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 06:47 AM
Continue living in denial.

I'll continue living thinking that people aren't generally creepy assholes only focused on their own pleasure. That it's possible and desirable to have a friendship without sex and lust being involved. That sex isn't the only driving force in all of human social behavior.

RegularJoe
07-05-2007, 06:47 AM
Continue living in denial.

i have almost exclusively female friends. and there may be one i'd consider sleeping with, but only if we were in a relationship. and i know i couldn't handle dating this girl, so it won't happen.

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 06:47 AM
it blows my mind that there are people who cannot fathom the concept of two people of the opposite sex going somewhere together and it not being a date.

That's why I said numerous and romantic spots. Taking her to a coffee shop isnt a romantic spot, taking her to an expensive restaurant time and time again? That's suspicious IMO.

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 06:48 AM
I'll continue living thinking that people aren't generally creepy assholes only focused on their own pleasure.

Well then your fucked ;)

T-Dro
07-05-2007, 06:49 AM
My husband and I have had some trouble with this issue.

Both of us have lots of friends of the opposite sex. And, it seems that lots of those friends, for both of us, are ex's.

Even though I am a horribly jealous person, I have not forbidden him to have contact with his female friends. I just ask that it's in public, and preferrably in a group setting. I know how crazy it sounds to ask someone to exclude 50% of the population as potential friends.

My hubby is probably the LEAST jealous guy I've ever been in a relationship with. For most of my male friends (who are also his friends), he doesn't care in the least if I hang out with them alone. However, there is one guy that he doesn't trust at all, and he asked me to please not see him one-on-one in a private setting.

We've been together six years, and this works for us...but it took us a while to work it out!

Matt Jay
07-05-2007, 06:49 AM
Lykis 101 - When a man & a woman are friends, one of them wants to fuck the other. If a woman has a bunch of male friends it means that they're just waiting for the boyfriend to slip up so they can move in.

It's human nature to want to fuck people you like.
I agree with this, but if you can't trust the person you're with to not fuck one of her friends, you should move on.

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 06:50 AM
Agreed, I wouldnt want my girlfriend (if I ever decide to settle down) going on numerous, one on one dates at romantic spots with a guy friend.

I never meant romantic spots and definately not candlelit dinner, long walks on the beach or holding hands. A Sunday afternoon drive for ice cream or seeing Transformers, though?

Keep in mind these are not new friends but existing friends. Yes, if I start dating Christine in May I should NOT be approaching Shirley at work in July, starting up a conversation with her and hoping we become good friends. That is wrong. However, I still ant to see helen, who I've known since I was 14 and she was 11.

Akira
07-05-2007, 06:51 AM
Any girl that is in a relationship with me is gonna have to deal with the fact that 3 of my closest friends are women. It's really never been an issue, since my female friends are all cool as hell, and there is pretty much no sexual attraction for me from them or visa verse.

Bill?
07-05-2007, 06:57 AM
I never meant romantic spots and definately not candlelit dinner, long walks on the beach or holding hands. A Sunday afternoon drive for ice cream or seeing Transformers, though?



that almost sorta sound suspiciously like something people do on a date. But I guess I'd give you seeing a movie like transformers (it really depends on the movie).

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 06:59 AM
i totally disagree with that. i'm not waiting around to have sex with my female friends. whether they're single, in a relationship, or whatever i'm not going after them with that agenda. i've actively turned down the change to hook up with more than a few of them for a variety of reasons (them being drunk, in the midst of a fight with their BF, etc.).

and, at most, i would expect her to understand that i don't like this dude and be okay if i'm a bit surly at the notion of her going out with him. but not hang out with him because of me? that would make me horrible.

I agree. Maybe I'm different but I'm like this: I have sex with girls when I'm single only. When I have sex it is with girls who are also single. I am 100% loyal in a relationship and I expect the same. Right now I'm single and have female friends who are married or who have boyfriends. I would not have sex with them at the drop of a hat, just because they had a fight with their partner or broke up yesterday, ect. I'd only have sex with a friend if we were both 100% single for months and it just happened. I have no pre planned ways to seduce them if I ever get the chance.

Once again, I'll state I am 100% loyal in a relationship. I had a gf for 13 years and never kissed, held hands or "actcidently" brushed against another female in that time frame.

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 07:04 AM
that almost sorta sound suspiciously like something people do on a date. But I guess I'd give you seeing a movie like transformers (it really depends on the movie).


How about seeing Transformers and the neices and nephews come along? :D

artimoff
07-05-2007, 07:05 AM
I agree. Maybe I'm different but I'm like this: I have sex with girls when I'm single only. When I have sex it is with girls who are also single. I am 100% loyal in a relationship and I expect the same. Right now I'm single and have female friends who are married or who have boyfriends. I would not have sex with them at the drop of a hat, just because they had a fight with their partner or broke up yesterday, ect. I'd only have sex with a friend if we were both 100% single for months and it just happened. I have no pre planned ways to seduce them if I ever get the chance.

Once again, I'll state I am 100% loyal in a relationship. I had a gf for 13 years and never kissed, held hands or "actcidently" brushed against another female in that time frame.

But if one of your female friends broke up with their boyfriends & wanted to have sex with you you'ld go for it, right?

artimoff
07-05-2007, 07:10 AM
I have many female friends who, if they called me right now looking to "hook up", I'd be there in a second. I'd never actively pursue them, but I don't deny that there is a little lust there for them.

DAVE
07-05-2007, 07:10 AM
I have many female friends who, if they called me right now looking to "hook up", I'd be there in a second. I'd never actively pursue them, but I don't deny that there is a little lust there for them.

Yeah, that's you. Doesn't mean every guy is like that.

artimoff
07-05-2007, 07:11 AM
Yeah, that's you. Doesn't mean every guy is like that.


Not the gay ones.

DAVE
07-05-2007, 07:13 AM
Not the gay ones.

:no:
I've been in situations like that while single with good female friends. Some people are mature enough to realize that one fun night isn't worth a friendship. Some guys can act grown up in regards to women, and not hook up just because they've gotten the chance.

You not being able to resist something doesn't mean all guys are the same way.

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 07:14 AM
But if one of your female friends broke up with their boyfriends & wanted to have sex with you you'ld go for it, right?

If it was 4-6 months after the break up, I actually felt close and cared about her and that this might be the start of a relationship, I'd think about it. Yes, honestly, I would. Because I've been down the road of sex with friends while we're both single in my past and afterwards saw her not speak to me for months because she felt embaressed, ashamed and then we'd done something wrong. See, she said I felt like family to her and that us having sex had ruined everything. We did fix the friendship but having gone through that, which took 6-12 months to fix and have us feel normal around each other again (and still friends with her today) I'm very much afraid of the whole sex with friends thing, peroid.

Albert
07-05-2007, 07:18 AM
Yeah, maybe dropping contact is silly. But what about limited the types of contact? Like no pseudo-dates (one-on-one) with the friends of the opposite sex?

What if you don't have any mutual friends?

Bill?
07-05-2007, 07:21 AM
How about seeing Transformers and the neices and nephews come along? :D

yeah a group type thing is different. what in comes right down to it you have to be careful you're not A. Excluding your girlfriend in favor of another woman AND/OR B. Substituting your girlfriend with another woman in any way.
if it was me I'd just do whatever I could to avoid an inevitable headache. but whatever.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 07:34 AM
I have many female friends who, if they called me right now looking to "hook up", I'd be there in a second. I'd never actively pursue them, but I don't deny that there is a little lust there for them.

Just because you're desperate and lonely, doesn't mean the rest of the human race is.

DAVE
07-05-2007, 07:37 AM
Just because you're desperate and lonely, doesn't mean the rest of the human race is.

Hey man, there's a way to disagree without insulting him.

silverboy
07-05-2007, 07:38 AM
Hey man, there's a way to disagree without insulting him.

Sorry, I found what he said pretty offensive.

Ben
07-05-2007, 07:39 AM
Just because you're desperate and lonely, doesn't mean the rest of the human race is.That says a lot about you that you interpret "I would have sex if given the opportunity" as "I'm desperate and lonely."

What's your problem with sex?

Albert
07-05-2007, 07:41 AM
I don't think anyone has hit on this yet, what if your close friends of the same sex are ugly?

silverboy
07-05-2007, 07:42 AM
That says a lot about you that you interpret "I would have sex if given the opportunity" as "I'm desperate and lonely."

What's your problem with sex?

That's a nice attack strategy. "You don't agree with Bush, why do you hate freedom?"

He said that he would fuck any of his female friends given the opportunity, which I interpret as he only has female friends because he wants to fuck them.

Matt Jay
07-05-2007, 07:42 AM
That says a lot about you that you interpret "I would have sex if given the opportunity" as "I'm desperate and lonely."

What's your problem with sex?

I think silverboy interprets it more as "I'm posing as a friend with these ladies but really I'm just waiting for an opportunity to have sex with them." If that's the case, I can understand the "desperate and lonely" conclusion.

Matt Jay
07-05-2007, 07:44 AM
I don't think anyone has hit on this yet, what if your close friends of the same sex are ugly?
I thought about this earlier but I said nothing because really, who wants ugly friends?

Ben
07-05-2007, 07:45 AM
That's a nice attack strategy. "You don't agree with Bush, why do you hate freedom?"

He said that he would fuck any of his female friends given the opportunity, which I interpret as he only has female friends because he wants to fuck them.That's a logical fallacy of some sort. I forget which one.

Ben
07-05-2007, 07:45 AM
I thought about this earlier but I said nothing because really, who wants ugly friends?That reminds me - I thought we were going to hang out this weekend! You never called me back.

Albert
07-05-2007, 07:47 AM
That's a logical fallacy of some sort. I forget which one.

The friend fucking fallacy, or "Triple F."

ClintP
07-05-2007, 07:50 AM
I don't think anyone has hit on this yet, what if your close friends of the same sex are ugly?

Then it's no longer an issue. :D

Jef UK
07-05-2007, 07:56 AM
That's a logical fallacy of some sort. I forget which one.

False dichotomy?

Ben
07-05-2007, 07:57 AM
False dichotomy?I was thinking more like one of those "A includes B does not mean that A is always due to B" things.

Jef UK
07-05-2007, 07:58 AM
I was thinking more like one of those "A includes B does not mean that A is always due to B" things.

Confusing causation with association?

Ben
07-05-2007, 07:59 AM
Confusing causation with association?You talk smart.

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 08:00 AM
False dichotomy:

"When two alternatives are presented, they are often, though not always, two extreme points on some spectrum of possibilities. This can lend credence to the larger argument by giving the impression that the options are mutually exclusive, even though they need not be. Furthermore, the options are typically presented as being collectively exhaustive, in which case the fallacy can be overcome, or at least weakened, by considering other possibilites, or perhaps by considering the whole spectrum of possibilities, as in fuzzy logic."

silverboy
07-05-2007, 08:00 AM
I love how this thread started out as people in relationships allowed to have friends, and is now people accusing people of hating sex.

Back to topic?

silverboy
07-05-2007, 08:01 AM
False dichotomy:

When two alternatives are presented, they are often, though not always, two extreme points on some spectrum of possibilities. This can lend credence to the larger argument by giving the impression that the options are mutually exclusive, even though they need not be. Furthermore, the options are typically presented as being collectively exhaustive, in which case the fallacy can be overcome, or at least weakened, by considering other possibilites, or perhaps by considering the whole spectrum of possibilities, as in fuzzy logic.


Example:


That says a lot about you that you interpret "I would have sex if given the opportunity" as "I'm desperate and lonely."

What's your problem with sex?

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 08:05 AM
Example:


Right. Meaning it's not mutually exclusive that hooking up if chance provided = desperate and lonely.

And, yes, this thread was not supose to be about hating sex.

chazbot
07-05-2007, 08:05 AM
Then it's no longer an issue. :D

Exactly, when your girlfriend/wife obviously knows she is more attractive than any of your other friends, it's a win/win situation :D

Jef UK
07-05-2007, 08:06 AM
Right. Meaning it's not mutually exclusive that hooking up if chance provided = desperate and lonely.

And, yes, this thread was not supose to be about hating sex.

*high five!*

Albert
07-05-2007, 08:12 AM
I love how this thread started out as people in relationships allowed to have friends, and is now people accusing people of hating sex.

Back to topic?

http://homepage.mac.com/aalgar/pics/misc/scream.jpg

DrMachine
07-05-2007, 08:38 AM
no

artimoff
07-05-2007, 08:46 AM
That's a nice attack strategy. "You don't agree with Bush, why do you hate freedom?"

He said that he would fuck any of his female friends given the opportunity, which I interpret as he only has female friends because he wants to fuck them.


I said I would fuck many of my female friends, not any.

I have many I wouldn't fuck & many I want to fuck, but I know it would ruin aspects of our friendshop if I did, so I would'nt, given the chance. I still desire them, but the friendship means more to me than my desire.

Mylazycat
07-05-2007, 08:50 AM
Now - and this could happen -what if you are bi? Would one be expected to give up all friends in that situation as it would be possible for you to fall in love with or have sex with any other human being on the planet? (For some reason, this makes me think of the Of Montreal song, "Tim I Wish You Were Born A Girl.")

Matt Jay
07-05-2007, 08:52 AM
Now - and this could happen -what if you are bi? Would one be expected to give up all friends in that situation as it would be possible for you to fall in love with or have sex with any other human being on the planet? (For some reason, this makes me think of the Of Montreal song, "Tim I Wish You Were Born A Girl.")

Nice one. Here, I believe, is where there would have to be an "ugly people exception."

artimoff
07-05-2007, 08:56 AM
:no:
I've been in situations like that while single with good female friends. Some people are mature enough to realize that one fun night isn't worth a friendship. Some guys can act grown up in regards to women, and not hook up just because they've gotten the chance.

You not being able to resist something doesn't mean all guys are the same way.

I'm not saying have one fun night even though it will ruin or change something for the worse. I'm saying that deep down in a man's gut, where instinct, lust & desire sit, we have a longing to get naked to our more atractive friends.

I'm perfectly happy never fucking any of my female friends. But I'm man enough to admit that I've lusted after most of them at one time or another.

Dermie
07-05-2007, 07:44 PM
Any significant other who tries to tell me I need to drop my friends will not be my significant other for very long....

Chris McCarver
07-05-2007, 07:49 PM
I was in a relationship like this for two years.

IT. FUCKING. SUCKED.

The Girl
07-05-2007, 07:53 PM
Ew. I wouldn't ever want to be in a relationship with someone who would want me to drop all of my guy friends. It makes me sick that people are like that. So pretty much, it sounds like she thinks she might cheat if she has guy friends, so he MUST be the same? Eh.

Tom Burgos
07-05-2007, 07:58 PM
Or, for those of you who are gay, keep your same sex friends?

If so, how close can yourself and this friend be? Just talking on the phone? Having drinks? Going out to movies or hanging out and watching movies? Going to concerts? Day trips?

This came up at work when the quality control manager, who is 27, said that once her and a man have officially entered into a relationship and it is no longer the dating stage, she fully expects him to drop all his female friends.

"Even if he's been friends with them for over 10 years?" someone asked. "Yes," she said. "Even if they've been friends since pre-school?" they inquired. "Yes," she said. "The only other females besides me he can be close with are his Mom, sisters, Aunt and cousins. When I'm in a relationship, my Dad is the only other man I talk to on a regular basis. Except Matt, but he's gay."



Damn, that is absolutely ludicrous.
Most likely, when you start dating someone or whatever, friends might not get as much attention and/or time as when you are single, but dropping them altogether?
hell no.

YouStayClassy
07-05-2007, 09:14 PM
If you're me and sleep with every female friend you have..... no.

But if you actually have that self control and integrity stuff, full steam ahead!

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 09:25 PM
If you're me and sleep with every female friend you have..... no.

But if you actually have that self control and integrity stuff, full steam ahead!

I'm just like you, minus the sleeping with female friends, but honestly, that has more to do with my lack of charm, good looks or money ;)

John M. Coker (Johnny C.)
07-05-2007, 09:28 PM
Or, for those of you who are gay, keep your same sex friends?

If so, how close can yourself and this friend be? Just talking on the phone? Having drinks? Going out to movies or hanging out and watching movies? Going to concerts? Day trips?

This came up at work when the quality control manager, who is 27, said that once her and a man have officially entered into a relationship and it is no longer the dating stage, she fully expects him to drop all his female friends.

"Even if he's been friends with them for over 10 years?" someone asked. "Yes," she said. "Even if they've been friends since pre-school?" they inquired. "Yes," she said. "The only other females besides me he can be close with are his Mom, sisters, Aunt and cousins. When I'm in a relationship, my Dad is the only other man I talk to on a regular basis. Except Matt, but he's gay."

This prompted another person to say, "God, I hate it when this happens. I'm good friends with someone, we do stuff all the time then they get in a relationship and that's it, they cut everything off with me and I never hear from them again."

And on the debate went.

While I didn't say it at work, I think that anyone, male or female, who feels like the quality control lady does has got to be very insecure and have a big issue with trust. Do you think that your partner has that little self control that just by hanging around with person X they'll be tempted to drop their pants?

What do you guys think of the issue of having or keeping close friends of the same sex as your spouse, mate, boyfriend or girlfriend?

Your quality control manager is unstable, and she needs therapy. I'm not joking one bit.

Foolish Mortal
07-05-2007, 09:34 PM
Ew. I wouldn't ever want to be in a relationship with someone who would want me to drop all of my guy friends. It makes me sick that people are like that. So pretty much, it sounds like she thinks she might cheat if she has guy friends, so he MUST be the same? Eh.
I seriously doubt either of my two female friends would even consider the thought of sleeping with me. :lol:

YouStayClassy
07-05-2007, 09:35 PM
I'm just like you, minus the sleeping with female friends, but honestly, that has more to do with my lack of charm, good looks or money ;)

That stuff's all irrelevant. I really mean that.

lonesomefool
07-05-2007, 09:40 PM
That stuff's all irrelevant. I really mean that.

I tried the GHB thing one time, but drank the wrong glass and woke up next to some guy named Ray. All I remember about him was he was wearing a Supergirl shirt....I must admit, it was kinda weird.

Hock
07-05-2007, 09:42 PM
If a girl I was dating ever asked me to stop seeing my female friends, I wouldn't. I would probably dump her ass because that's a pretty clear sign she's a crazy bitch.

If she asked me to stop hanging out with the one female friend I have who I have a romantic history with, well, that I might be willing to do, depending onm the circumstances.

Pat Shatner
07-05-2007, 09:55 PM
Man I have gone through this argument too many times now.

I have friends that are girls, and a few I was intimate with at one point, that i've been close friends with for fucking years and years.

I also have some gay friends, a couple of whom I can say the same thing about, that I would never stop being friends with because of some paranoid jealousy. Early on in our relationship, this was a problem for my girlfriend.

These days it seems that she knows that I'm never going to just drop friends that predate our relationship, and I'm pretty sure she understands it. I think. But, man, a year or two ago we would fight so much about this very topic.

Anyway, I think it's ridiculous for a man or woman to expect their significant other to just negate long established friendships based on sex. That makes no sense to me.
Unless it's a long established fuck-buddy. Then I can see it being a problem.

Frozen Sooner
07-05-2007, 10:04 PM
My best friend is an incredibly attractive and smart woman. Whenever I'm in a NEW relationship, I make sure that the new girl knows that Stephanie is my best friend, that we've already discussed and discarded the notion of us ever dating or fooling around, that Stephanie is no threat to her, and make sure that they meet pretty quickly.

Doesn't seem to cause too many problems.

I'm also of the mind that if a girlfriend is made uncomfortable by me spending time alone with another woman, then I make sure to invite the girlfriend along if I'm doing something with another woman so she has no reason to suspect anything.

Los
07-06-2007, 12:14 AM
Good question...I guess it depends, but for the most part I think it's ok.