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Marcdachamp
04-15-2007, 12:08 AM
Ok, so we've got ourselves a little situation, thought you guys could give some advice. First, a little background.

A few months ago, I started talking to a friend of a co-worker. VERY attractive girl and very nice. We talk a few weeks on the phone, and I ask her out. She agrees, we set a date and the day comes. Then... nothing. She's supposed to call me when she gets out of work around 12 PM, but I don't hear from her for a few hours. So what do I do? I call her. No response. 8 PM rolls around. What do I do? I call her again. Nothing. Finally, I say fuck it and just go out with my friends.

I talk to her friend the next day. The girl I was supposed to go out with had cold feet and decided to bail at the last minute. She's newly out of a bad relationship, and she got too nervous. A few days pass, and I (foolishly) call her. I tell her I know why she didn't go out, but that I wish she'd called me. She makes a rather lame excuse saying that she broke her phone earlier that day and lost my number. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt. She tells me she likes me, but she's not ready for a relationship, and I agree to take it slow.

Few more weeks pass. We chat consistently, but I make sure not to be too aggressive. I mention to her and my co-worker that I'm having a party this one friday and that both should come. They agree. I mention it multiple times, and it seems like a decent way to hang out without pressure. Party night comes, and my co-worker comes... without the girl. At this point, I'm pissed. That's twice now this girl blows me off without calling me. I say fuck it, and I hook up with another girl I'm interested with at the party.

I kind of start seeing the girl from the party. She has a boyfriend, but he lives in Cali and she never sees him. We're just kind of friends that sometimes hook up, even though she knows I want more. We're at a movie a month later and I get a call from this other girl. Haven't spoken to her since before the party. Obviously I don't answer, and she leaves no message, so I say fuck it, if she wants to make a move, let her.

I see her today at work (2 weeks later). She starts talking and mentions the call. I make an excuse and, after chatting, she tells me to call her sometime.

Now, my state of mind is this: Fuck her. I got blown off TWICE. No call, nothing. Seems to me, the only reason she's interested is because I'm ignoring her. My co-workers, distracted by her looks, think I should just call. After all, this girl I like isn't my girlfriend, and has a boyfriend. I'm worried that I'm just gonna make an ass out of myself again. The last thing I want is to let this girl blow me off again. My friends think I should give her one more try. What do you guys think?

The Roman Candle
04-15-2007, 12:12 AM
I think you probably shouldn't be banging someone who has a boyfriend. The rest depends on whether you like the girl (sounds like not).

Humphrey_Lee
04-15-2007, 12:13 AM
I think you need to realize that it's hockey season and bitches mean nothing. Seriously, focus, your guys lost to the Islanders today. The fucking Islanders! That's shite. One more loss to that team and you should even be allowed to touch that cup that you should honestly be hoisting this year. GET IN THE GAME GODDAMMIT!!!


But no, really, I know fuck all about women except that they'll drive you goddamn insane if you try and figure them out. Just take it as it comes. Let hockey be your interim salvation.

BWC Boston
04-15-2007, 12:17 AM
So what you have is two women who aren't giving you what you want? And you want advice? Easy.

Walk away from both of them. Find a girl who's on the same page as you are. Blow-Off Girl is likely incredibly self-centered and not fun to be around in the long term--the "I only want you when you don't want me" types are all nutcases. California Boyfriend Girl is cheating on her boyfriend with you, and that's all, as she apparently has no interest in ending things with him. Neither of these situations are the sort in which you should willingly put yourself, especially if you are looking for an actual relationship.

Marcdachamp
04-15-2007, 12:29 AM
So what you have is two women who aren't giving you what you want? And you want advice? Easy.

Walk away from both of them. Find a girl who's on the same page as you are. Blow-Off Girl is likely incredibly self-centered and not fun to be around in the long term--the "I only want you when you don't want me" types are all nutcases. California Boyfriend Girl is cheating on her boyfriend with you, and that's all, as she apparently has no interest in ending things with him. Neither of these situations are the sort in which you should willingly put yourself, especially if you are looking for an actual relationship.

Here's the thing with "California Boyfriend Girl", she's known him a long time and they have a very complicated relationship. She's the kind of girl that's been fucked over by a lot of guys, and he's been the sole rock in her life. I can understand that. Part of me just wants her to realize how much she's missing out on being in a long distance relationship. She, literally, NEVER sees this guy. I dated a girl that went to school an hour and a half away, and it was still hard. You miss out on the best part about a relationship. I'm backing off on her for a while, because I know she's feeling confused right now, but she and her sister have become part of our circle of friends lately, so we're still gonna hang out. I hope we can be more, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up.

Humph, it's one game lost by one goal. If the refs knew how to tell the fucking difference between a hook and a hold, they wouldn't have won.

Jerome Gibbons
04-15-2007, 12:30 AM
Why is it that dudes on the Bendis Board are always getting yanked around by chicks...?

Humphrey_Lee
04-15-2007, 12:31 AM
Humph, it's one game lost by one goal. If the refs knew how to tell the fucking difference between a hook and a hold, they wouldn't have won.

The Goddamn Islanders man!!! :)

Marcdachamp
04-15-2007, 12:34 AM
The Goddamn Islanders man!!! :)

Pfffft. They won by a goal without us even trying. Wait until the team actually decides to step it up. This was the wake up call we needed.

bairdduvessa
04-15-2007, 12:36 AM
So what you have is two women who aren't giving you what you want? And you want advice? Easy.

Walk away from both of them. Find a girl who's on the same page as you are. Blow-Off Girl is likely incredibly self-centered and not fun to be around in the long term--the "I only want you when you don't want me" types are all nutcases. California Boyfriend Girl is cheating on her boyfriend with you, and that's all, as she apparently has no interest in ending things with him. Neither of these situations are the sort in which you should willingly put yourself, especially if you are looking for an actual relationship.

++

BWC Boston
04-15-2007, 12:38 AM
Here's the thing with "California Boyfriend Girl", she's known him a long time and they have a very complicated relationship. She's the kind of girl that's been fucked over by a lot of guys, and he's been the sole rock in her life. I can understand that. Part of me just wants her to realize how much she's missing out on being in a long distance relationship. She, literally, NEVER sees this guy. I dated a girl that went to school an hour and a half away, and it was still hard. You miss out on the best part about a relationship. I'm backing off on her for a while, because I know she's feeling confused right now, but she and her sister have become part of our circle of friends lately, so we're still gonna hang out. I hope we can be more, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up.

Really? The girl who's cheating on "the sole rock in her life" has a string of messy, chaotic relationships behind her because it's "very complicated?" Shocking!

Look. It's all about what you want. If you just want to hook up with a girl for a few weeks or months, keep hanging out with California Boyfriend Girl, keep calling Blow-Off Girl even if she never calls you.* You'll probably do fine at getting only that.

If you are looking for a girlfriend, neither of these girls will be that to you in any way that will make you happy. Both are showing disparate, but textbook, symptoms of Chaotic Crazy Mess Girl Syndrome. They both clearly thrive on discomfort, complications, and disorder. Why try to build a house on shaky ground?


*By the way, if she were actually into you and not just craving your attention again, she would ask if she could call you sometime. She wouldn't put you back in the hot seat.

The Roman Candle
04-15-2007, 12:41 AM
Here's the thing with "California Boyfriend Girl", she's known him a long time and they have a very complicated relationship. She's the kind of girl that's been fucked over by a lot of guys, and he's been the sole rock in her life.

The only constant in all of her dysfunctional relationships has been...

her.

Marcdachamp
04-15-2007, 12:41 AM
Really? The girl who's cheating on "the sole rock in her life" has a string of messy, chaotic relationships behind her because it's "very complicated?" Shocking!

She's a couple years younger than me. She's 19, and her life's been filled with guys looking for one thing. I'm not judgmental about it because, at age 19, I'd been fucking burned by more girls than I could count.

BWC Boston
04-15-2007, 12:48 AM
She's a couple years younger than me. She's 19, and her life's been filled with guys looking for one thing. I'm not judgmental about it because, at age 19, I'd been fucking burned by more girls than I could count.
Really? The guy who wants to non-judgmentally date the girl who's cheating on "the sole rock in her life" and has a string of messy, chaotic relationships behind her because it's "very complicated" has a history of girls treating him like shit? Shocking!

The Roman Candle
04-15-2007, 12:50 AM
Really? The guy who wants to non-judgmentally date the girl who's cheating on "the sole rock in her life" has a string of messy, chaotic relationships behind her because it's "very complicated" has a history of girls treating him like shit? Shocking!

Noooo crap.


Seriously, dude. Try taking a step back and take an objective look at the situation. This girl doesn't exactly sound like persecuted saint material.

Marcdachamp
04-15-2007, 12:53 AM
Really? The guy who wants to non-judgmentally date the girl who's cheating on "the sole rock in her life" has a string of messy, chaotic relationships behind her because it's "very complicated" has a history of girls treating him like shit? Shocking!

Man, aren't we judgmental? I said at 19, I hadn't had much luck, but after that, I spent 2 years in a relationship. Did it go sour? Yeah, sometimes they do. The point is, this girl isn't a whore. She liked me for a long time before we hooked up, but I was with someone else. I don't know about you, but I know what it's like to never have someone there.

Special Agent Bachman
04-15-2007, 12:57 AM
Heh. I'm trying to make plans with this hot British girl lately and it's strangely difficult. Whenever I miss a call of hers (even by half a minute) and then call her back, I have to leave a message. Then I don't hear from her for a few more days because she doesn't call me back again. What the fuck.

Marcdachamp
04-15-2007, 12:58 AM
Heh. I'm trying to make plans with this hot British girl lately and it's strangely difficult. Whenever I miss a call of hers (even by half a minute) and then call her back, I have to leave a message. Then I don't hear from her for a few more days because she doesn't call me back again. What the fuck.

Lame. Nothing worse than waiting for the call, man.

The Roman Candle
04-15-2007, 12:59 AM
Man, aren't we judgmental? I said at 19, I hadn't had much luck, but after that, I spent 2 years in a relationship. Did it go sour? Yeah, sometimes they do. The point is, this girl isn't a whore. She liked me for a long time before we hooked up, but I was with someone else. I don't know about you, but I know what it's like to never have someone there.

You can justify it all you want, it's still cheating. And if it's repeated, it sounds like unrepentant cheating. You don't want a relationship with a girl who cheats often and feels no remorse.

BWC Boston
04-15-2007, 01:03 AM
Man, aren't we judgmental? I said at 19, I hadn't had much luck, but after that, I spent 2 years in a relationship. Did it go sour? Yeah, sometimes they do. The point is, this girl isn't a whore. She liked me for a long time before we hooked up, but I was with someone else. I don't know about you, but I know what it's like to never have someone there.

I'm not calling her a whore. Who said that word, who even questioned the girl's character? It wasn't me.

Here's the deal, then it's off to bed for me: This girl likes shitty relationships. She's been "burned" by most of the guys she's dated, so that's what she's used to. She's chaotic, and is attracted to men that will bring a certain amount of chaos into her life. Now that she's with her "sole rock," not even the fact that he's a thousand miles away is complicated or frustrating enough, so she cheats on him. If the relationship weren't working, a sensible (non-chaotic) person would just end it. She's instead chosen to make it weirder.

You've been "burned" by most of the women you've dated, so that's what you're used to. You're attracted to this girl in no small part because of her problematic situation--with her, you'll always have something to work on, something to overcome. The real irony is, even if your best possible dream scenario comes true ("I ended it, it's over, be my boyfriend now!"), she will be the next girl to treat you like shit. She needs the chaos. And so do you.

I'm not judging either of you, dude. I've seen it happen to friends, and I've fallen into the trap myself. The chaotic ones are who they are, until they decide not to be. You can willingly put yourself into their craziness, or you can willingly not. It's up to you. Do you want a girlfriend or a project?

BWC Boston
04-15-2007, 01:04 AM
You can justify it all you want, it's still cheating. And if it's repeated, it sounds like unrepentant cheating. You don't want a relationship with a girl who cheats often and feels no remorse.

I'd argue there's a gray area with cheating. I've never done it, but I know good people who have, and in some cases there's a lot more to the situation than is immediately apparent. Though, yeah, some people are just cheaters.

Special Agent Bachman
04-15-2007, 01:06 AM
Lame. Nothing worse than waiting for the call, man.

I stick to a strict one-for-one call-a-chick ratio so that both parties must remain proactive in order for the situation to progress in any meaningful way. It's much easier to chaff the wheat that way.

Marcdachamp
04-15-2007, 01:08 AM
You can justify it all you want, it's still cheating. And if it's repeated, it sounds like unrepentant cheating. You don't want a relationship with a girl who cheats often and feels no remorse.

My mother was in a relationship when my father first started dating her. They've been married 23 years.

BWC, it seemed like you were insinuating. Sorry.

Your post, however, is judgmental. I don't like games or projects. I'm after someone that means a lot to me. I was burned in the past, that's why I can understand the fear she has of dumping this guy for someone else.

The Roman Candle
04-15-2007, 01:25 AM
I'd argue there's a gray area with cheating. I've never done it, but I know good people who have, and in some cases there's a lot more to the situation than is immediately apparent. Though, yeah, some people are just cheaters.

One-time cheating is something that, in my opinion, can be forgiven. Everyone has moments of weakness of some type. But serial cheating makes someone a cheater, and that's more than a temporary weakness, it's a character flaw.


My mother was in a relationship when my father first started dating her. They've been married 23 years.

BWC, it seemed like you were insinuating. Sorry.

Your post, however, is judgmental. I don't like games or projects. I'm after someone that means a lot to me. I was burned in the past, that's why I can understand the fear she has of dumping this guy for someone else.


My great-grandfather would often get drunk and lecture his children about the dangers of associating with "niggers."

Doesn't mean racism is good.

Special Agent Bachman
04-15-2007, 01:30 AM
One-time cheating is something that, in my opinion, can be forgiven. Everyone has moments of weakness of some type. But serial cheating makes someone a cheater, and that's more than a temporary weakness, it's a character flaw.




My great-grandfather would often get drunk and lecture his children about the dangers of associating with "niggers."

Doesn't mean racism is good.

Whatever. Just because she's cheating on one dude doesn't mean she'll cheat on every dude. Just the ones that are out of town.

And what the fuck does your last statement about racism have anything at all to do with the subject at hand?

Shwicaz
04-15-2007, 01:32 AM
Man, aren't we judgmental?


If you are going to ask for advice, then you have to accept the fact that people are going to post things you don't want to hear.

It seems to me (and I fully admit I could be wrong), that you are looking more for us to go 'yeah, hit that', because when people point out that neither situation with either girl looks to be something to build a solid relationship on you act as if we are insulting you or the women.

We can only base our opinions and offer advice from the information you gave us in your posts, and none of it sounds good.


Let's start with 'blow off girl'. All I am going to say is WHY WASTE YOUR TIME? If you make plans with someone and they don't show up or call, then fuck them. Why would you want to be with someone who can't even call you, or who constantly blows you off? Why would you even want to be with someone like that?

As for 'long distance lady', again, she chose to be in a long distance relationship. If she doesn't see her man and doesn't like that, she should simply end the relationship, or stop using it as a 'crutch' to sleep with someone else.

I know plenty of cheaters, and the 'long distance relationship' excuse is one that many cheaters use. It is second only to "we haven't had sex in a really long time" excuse.

My advice, since you asked is this:

If you want to try to date someone who blows you off, go for it. But you have to get her to actually show up in order for you two to go out on a date, something she seems either not interested in, or is much to busy to work you into her schedule.

If you want to date someone who is cheating on her boyfriend (no matter how far away he is), then don't come crying to the board when she cheats on you, too. With cheaters, its a pattern of behavior. Rarely is it a one time thing. Wouldn't you be thinking "Damn, she cheated on her boyfriend with me....I wonder what she is doing while I am at work?"

Either situation sounds horrible, as others have said. And you are much better than that (from what I know of you on the board over the years) and deserve someone who WILL call you and show up when expected. And someone who will be faithful.

that's my .02

The Roman Candle
04-15-2007, 01:35 AM
Whatever. Just because she's cheating on one dude doesn't mean she'll cheat on every dude. Just the ones that are out of town.

Yeah. That's a lot better. And I don't think she'll cheat on every guy that she's with, but the fact that she cheats on this guy sounds like a pretty major character flaw.


And what the fuck does your last statement about racism have anything at all to do with the subject at hand?


He used his parents' experience to justify an immoral behavior.

Special Agent Bachman
04-15-2007, 01:38 AM
Yeah. That's a lot better. And I don't think she'll cheat on every guy that she's with, but the fact that she cheats on this guy sounds like a pretty major character flaw.

I was being facetious but I guess it slipped right on by ya.


He used his parents' experience to justify an immoral behavior.

It was a stretch.

A.Huerta
04-15-2007, 02:03 AM
Theyre both stupid. Move on.

Special Agent Bachman
04-15-2007, 02:05 AM
Theyre both stupid. Move on.

Dude, he could potentially be fucking two girls at the same time, neither of which seems to want a commitment. Sounds like a whole bunch of awesome to me.

sumopanda
04-15-2007, 02:52 AM
My advice is this: See, you're looking for a real relationship. One where both sides are fully commited. I'm not judging you on the girl-with-a-boyfriend but the simple fact is that she can't commit to you the way you want. And the other girl, well she's just too flakey to give you that commitment I think. I'd say wipe the slate clean at some point and find yourself a girl with less baggage. Both of them seem like roads to disappointment.

I may get judged poorly for saying this, but the biggest key in life that we all neglect at some time is 'what will it take to make ME happy' and you need to think about that right now. And then you need to look for it. So those two girls? No good! bad eggs!

Basketball Jesus
04-15-2007, 03:30 AM
Seriously. About the no call girl, she's rude and seemingly a bit of a headcase. No need to waste time there.

I'm not going to judge girl #2, I don't know enough about her particulars, but a girl who's unwilling to break up with her current boyfriend is not a good bet for a relationship right now. Even if girl #2 is the love of your life, saying "Give me a call when you have things straightened out" does not preclude you two from getting together.

I AM GROOT!
04-15-2007, 05:59 AM
My advice echos many of the others, but the point is that you seem to want a relationship. As a result, you deserve to be happy and should be with someone who will respect you and *want* to be with you. Neither of these two girls are prepared to give you that - the girl at work who is flaking out on you is an obvious one. She'll string you along and keep you on the backburner, comfortable in knowing that she has someone who likes her, but ultimately she will find another guy to go out with, and if that doesn't work, she'll have you to run back to. Either that, or she's simply a commitment-phobe and does this with every guy. The second girl who you're fooling around with with the boyfriend out of state...well, that's just a bad situation as is. I know you said that your parents started dating while your mother was in another relationship, and that they've been happily married for awhile, but that's probably a rare exception. In my opinion (and based on my own morals), I can't, with good faith, start a relationship with someone after being the "other" guy because I'll always know that our relationship started on a somewhat dishonest, unfaithful, and questionably moral foundation. Plus, if it happened once, there's a big chance that it's going to happen again and that there will eventually be another guy who she cheats with.

So, my advice is that you deserve better than either of these two girls and should move on to someone who will appreciate you and will have no question or doubt about being with you.

greg donovan
04-15-2007, 06:13 AM
I'm not calling her a whore. Who said that word, who even questioned the girl's character? It wasn't me.

Here's the deal, then it's off to bed for me: This girl likes shitty relationships. She's been "burned" by most of the guys she's dated, so that's what she's used to. She's chaotic, and is attracted to men that will bring a certain amount of chaos into her life. Now that she's with her "sole rock," not even the fact that he's a thousand miles away is complicated or frustrating enough, so she cheats on him. If the relationship weren't working, a sensible (non-chaotic) person would just end it. She's instead chosen to make it weirder.

You've been "burned" by most of the women you've dated, so that's what you're used to. You're attracted to this girl in no small part because of her problematic situation--with her, you'll always have something to work on, something to overcome. The real irony is, even if your best possible dream scenario comes true ("I ended it, it's over, be my boyfriend now!"), she will be the next girl to treat you like shit. She needs the chaos. And so do you.

I'm not judging either of you, dude. I've seen it happen to friends, and I've fallen into the trap myself. The chaotic ones are who they are, until they decide not to be. You can willingly put yourself into their craziness, or you can willingly not. It's up to you. Do you want a girlfriend or a project?


I have read things like this many times before. however, they were on racing car forums and they were always about guys insisting on building shitty cars into rally cars.

BWC Boston
04-15-2007, 09:11 AM
I have read things like this many times before. however, they were on racing car forums and they were always about guys insisting on building shitty cars into rally cars.

I'm not man enough to know what that means.

Marcdachamp
04-15-2007, 09:12 AM
Well, first, let me thank everyone for the advice. As always, it's much appreciated. I love that I can get so many varying opinions on this board. Only forum I've ever been to where you can get a ton of feedback posting at 4 AM.

My intentions with girl #1 have been not to call her all along. Last night there was an opinion split between my co-workers. Two (one of which being my best friend) said not to bother. Another two thought I was being too proud. My personal opinion is that she's only interested because I'm not. When I was paying a ton of attention to her, she knew she could have me whenever. She's the type of girl that guys fawn over (I know, I've been there, looks'll do that to a guy).

The other girl I care a lot about, and, because we're friends, and because I like her a lot, I'm willing to chill back for a while, and let her sort things out, which is exactly what I should do.