PDA

View Full Version : I've never fucked a ten.



Boris the Blade
03-05-2007, 11:37 AM
But one night I fucked five twos.

http://www.jacneed.com/PhotoFile/George_Carlin.jpg

My personal favorite comedian.

Magnum V.I.
03-05-2007, 11:38 AM
But one night I fucked five twos.

http://www.jacneed.com/PhotoFile/George_Carlin.jpg

My personal favorite comedian.

:heart:

The Dean
03-05-2007, 11:40 AM
But George is showing 8...

Boris the Blade
03-05-2007, 11:44 AM
But George is showing 8...
He's still counting.

It's the pot. Y'know. Toledo Window Box.

Magnum V.I.
03-05-2007, 11:49 AM
He's still counting.

It's the pot. Y'know. Toledo Window Box.

:rofl:

The Hippy Dippy Weatherman.

Hate_Prime
03-05-2007, 11:53 AM
My job is thinking up goofy shit.

Akira
03-05-2007, 11:57 AM
He's in my all-time top three. The man is a genius

PeterSparker
03-05-2007, 11:58 AM
smartest comedian ever

I rewatched one of his HBO concert specials from a few years ago on one of the HBO's last weekend and wanted to stand up in my apartment and applaud he was so brilliant and funny.


Baseball vs Football is an all time favorite :)

Blandy vs Terrorism
03-05-2007, 12:00 PM
I used to listen to him all the time with my dad as a kid, but all I can remember is "Shit". Probably because I was a kid.

I need to find some cds.

Hate_Prime
03-05-2007, 12:04 PM
Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat! Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot! Hooray! Lizard shit! Fuck!

Boris the Blade
03-05-2007, 12:36 PM
When you're going for a flight they tell you to get on the plane, GET ON THE PLANE! Fuck you! I'm getting IN the plane.

changingshades
03-05-2007, 12:40 PM
Football is highly regulated 4 quarters of 15 minutes and if it comes down to a tie score we have sudden death overtime.

Baseball? We don't know when it's going to end. We might even have EXTRA innings.

Ryan Elliott
03-05-2007, 01:16 PM
He's one of the greatest.

GelfXIII
03-05-2007, 01:20 PM
Tonight's forecast... DARK!

Continued mostly dark until widely scattered light in the morning. :D

Ryan Elliott
03-05-2007, 01:21 PM
Shitpissfuckcuntcocksuckermotherfucker and tits.

Ben
03-05-2007, 01:24 PM
Has he updated his airline bit yet?

Masculine Todd
03-05-2007, 01:26 PM
smartest comedian ever...right under David Cross.

Fixed :smile:

DAVE
03-05-2007, 01:32 PM
I thought this thread would be about the best looking people we've been with...

Magnum V.I.
03-05-2007, 01:33 PM
Fixed :smile:

:no:

Carlin's Pushing 70 and has been doing this for 50 years. His shit is WAY more clever.


However they are both amazing.

Ryan Elliott
03-05-2007, 01:46 PM
Fixed :smile:



No way.

TSChamp
03-05-2007, 01:50 PM
I was lucky enough to see him in concert. I never laughed so before in my life. My side hurt for two days. I remember a bit he did with the "seven dirty words" were he replace the word kill with fuck. I wish I could remember it.

Boris the Blade
03-05-2007, 02:40 PM
Fixed :smile:
I really like David Cross.

But George eats him alive.

Boris the Blade
03-05-2007, 02:41 PM
Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let's start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Thommy Melanson
03-05-2007, 02:43 PM
Have a threesome with a really skinny girl laying to the right of a really fat girl.

It should sort of resemble a number "10".

Ryan Elliott
03-05-2007, 02:48 PM
Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let's start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.


One of his best bits.

Gunter
03-05-2007, 02:57 PM
I love old Carlin. I've still got 8 tracks with his stuff. I could recite them all. And they never did, and still don't, get old.

My favorite was, "Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it."

But in my opinion the current Carlin just seems like a bitter old man. And not bitter in a funny way either. He seems to display anger more than wit.

Boris the Blade
03-05-2007, 03:07 PM
Got that impression from "Life is Worth Losing" a little, but it was still funny.

THWIP!
03-05-2007, 03:16 PM
Carlin was one of my first favorites and still is. The man is a genius.