Hilarious 300 review from AICN

[Fourthman]

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/31520


I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

[Billie]

That sounds great.

[BaconWhoreSqueeeaaal]

"The movie takes place about a million years ago..."

:lol:

[CapnChaos]

Aw shit. I was looking forward to this until I read that thing about metal in the fight scenes.

[Jerome Gibbons]

Cool beans.



I've just injected the term "dude-ity" into my English vocabulary.



EDIT: Oh yeah, that thing about the heavy metal kinda makes me iffy.

[A.Huerta]

Aw shit. I was looking forward to this until I read that thing about metal in the fight scenes.

Are people really expecting some LoTR type music and grandeur to this movie? The previews have guys screaming and fighting to metal music. I love how its so honest and not advertising any bullshit.

[Master Jack Rabbitt]

That was absolutely hilarious.

[BaconWhoreSqueeeaaal]

Are people really expecting some LoTR type music and grandeur to this movie? The previews have guys screaming and fighting to metal music. I love how its so honest and not advertising any bullshit.

I personally loved the rock music in "A Knight's Tale". I like when they do that.

[The Human Target]

who must have a dick made of three machine guns

Best review of all time.

[CapnChaos]

"The movie takes place about a million years ago..."

:lol:

So it's a remake of One Million BC? :lol:

[A.Huerta]

I personally loved the rock music in "A Knight's Tale". I like when they do that.

They could play "Ambitionz Az A Ridah" by 2pac, as long as it fits the scene, I'm good.

[CapnChaos]

Are people really expecting some LoTR type music and grandeur to this movie? The previews have guys screaming and fighting to metal music. I love how its so honest and not advertising any bullshit.

I'd rather have that than shitty metal. (Which is pretty much ALL metal made after 1979.)

[Brad N.]

Awesome. I keep saying it (and keep getting blasted for it) this movie will make a TON of money.

[c. page]

i want to read more reviews from this guy now.

[BaconWhoreSqueeeaaal]

They could play "Ambitionz Az A Ridah" by 2pac, as long as it fits the scene, I'm good.

Agreed


I'd rather have that than shitty metal. (Which is pretty much ALL metal made after 1979.)

If the movie is good, you won't notice.

[Brad N.]

I'd rather have that than shitty metal. (Which is pretty much ALL metal made after 1979.)

I hope it's Dokken...or Stryper.

[The Roman Candle]

This movie could totally suck but I would still consider it worthwhile if only because it gave us this review.

[Hate_Prime]

I personally loved the rock music in "A Knight's Tale". I like when they do that.

That's why it's my favorite sports movie ever.

[CapnChaos]

I hope it's Dokken...or Stryper.

:lol:
TO HELL WITH THE DEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLL! :rock:

[ChrisCollins]

I personally loved the rock music in "A Knight's Tale". I like when they do that.

:nonono2:

The entire theater burst out laughing when they started doing the stomp-clap to "We Will Rock You" Not exactly the response I think the creators were going for. Kind of took me out of the movie everytime they broke through that wall.

Having said that, I don't mind the metal music in 300 at all. It's definately in keeping with what Miller was trying to accomplish with the book. All his interviews at the time the book came out was that he was trying to make a balls-to-the-wall action piece out of a historical event. He wasn't making some literary masterpiece like Lord of the Rings or the Iliad. So I see no reason why they should need they typical [insert composer that rips off John Williams] score. That's not what 300 is about so why hide it. The only question is whether or not it's good Metal music or just another run of the mill scream at the top of your lungs nu-death-metal band.:rock:

[CapnChaos]

:nonono2:

The entire theater burst out laughing when they started doing the stomp-clap to "We Will Rock You" Not exactly the response I think the creators were going for. Kind of took me out of the movie everytime they broke through that wall.

Having said that, I don't mind the metal music in 300 at all. It's definately in keeping with what Miller was trying to accomplish with the book. All his interviews at the time the book came out was that he was trying to make a balls-to-the-wall action piece out of a historical event. He wasn't making some literary masterpiece like Lord of the Rings or the Iliad. So I see no reason why they should need they typical [insert composer that rips off John Williams] score. That's not what 300 is about so why hide it. The only question is whether or not it's good Metal music or just another run of the mill scream at the top of your lungs nu-death-metal band.:rock:
If it was Zepplin or Sabbath, that'd be fantastic. But I get the feeling it's probably not. ;)

[Hate_Prime]

:nonono2:

The entire theater burst out laughing when they started doing the stomp-clap to "We Will Rock You" Not exactly the response I think the creators were going for. Kind of took me out of the movie everytime they broke through that wall.


It's not like it's a scene where you're supposed sit there and ponder the profound dualities of the piece that leads to enlightenment or whatever. It was a comical scene. It's a comical movie.

[artimoff]

Aw shit. I was looking forward to this until I read that thing about metal in the fight scenes.

I think it's NIN.

[Brad N.]

I think it's NIN.

See, that would rock.

[Foolish Mortal]

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

I like how in the first paragraph he claims he doesn't know why the movie is titled '300', but in the second paragraph he goes on to explain the title. :lol:

[bairdduvessa]

i woudl see a movie called "pause Button"

[mayhemspider]

Are people really expecting some LoTR type music and grandeur to this movie? The previews have guys screaming and fighting to metal music. I love how its so honest and not advertising any bullshit.

it aint' metal, its fucking Nine Inch Nails, and its a damn sweet song called "Just like you imagined" (at least thats what my ipod tells me, somehow that doesn't sound right) but if the rest of the movie has any songs that are even remotely as good it will be perfect. i now can no longer wait to see this.

[Jerome Gibbons]

i woudl see a movie called "pause Button"

That movie, for me, was Cruel Intentions.




Pause...Rewind...Play...

[KAK]

Sounds like the movie I wanted to see when I saw Smokin' Aces (instead I saw shit), people who think this won't be AMAZING Eye candy with just a decent story will be disappointed, and Give me Heavy Metal Fight Scenes!!! Can't wait! (And A Knights Tale isn't heavy metal fight scences, it's self parody crapfest.)

[E-man]

“DUDE-ITY” :lol:

[bairdduvessa]

That movie, for me, was Cruel Intentions.




Pause...Rewind...Play...

never saw it

[BaconWhoreSqueeeaaal]

never saw it

This is a good thing.

[Jerome Gibbons]

never saw it

The one that has Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair make with the make out.

[Jerome Gibbons]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v24/tyrant2/GIFs/2c49ade0624081f2853f3f740f9804f6.gif

[bairdduvessa]

The one that has Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair make with the make out.

i actualy find neither atractive

[Jerome Gibbons]

i actualy find neither atractive

Me too.





Exccept, of course, in Cruel Intentions. Heh.

[Brewtown Andy]

i want to read more reviews from this guy now.And you can. (http://www.aintitcool.com/semperex_search?semperex_search__keywords=cumpston&semperex_search__from_result_number=&semperex_search__to_result_number=)

[Dr. Omega]

unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.
Why do I get the feeling someone will green light this concept in a few days..

..and sadly, I would rent it..


Great review. Funnier and more to the point than EVERYTHING on AICN for the last 5 years.

And yeah, SMG is not attractive in any way shape or form, but I do find Selma Blair cute for reasons I can't fathom..


Dr. Ω

[Kman00001]

it aint' metal, its fucking Nine Inch Nails, and its a damn sweet song called "Just like you imagined" (at least thats what my ipod tells me, somehow that doesn't sound right) but if the rest of the movie has any songs that are even remotely as good it will be perfect. i now can no longer wait to see this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WIpUu5iIIs

[MIKE D]

I have said it before, and it bears repeating. Neil Cumpston is America's greatest living film critic.

[pornbot2.5]

Probably the best thing written on AICN since 1999. Nice!

[Meteornotes]

This is the greatest movie review in the history of the universe.

dt